Post by obsidalicious on Mar 27, 2017 21:24:32 GMT
I also skipped the rather long flash games with Pre-Scratch Fish Lady wandering around amassing her army to fight Lord English. I hope nothing too important happens here, but based on what I've gathered it pretty much just introduces ANOTHER ten (or twenty-two, I'm not sure) trolls who proceed to do jack-all for the rest of the story.
> Tell me about Damara Megido.
You want me to tell you about YOU??? Talk about self absorbed, but alright.
You say stuff in Japanese, and when people who actually speak Japanese read it they probably laugh because the Japanese is so shitty. Sorry to burst your bubble Damara but the things you say started out in English, went through the google translator, and then out again so that it vaguely makes sense when translated back to English. So you aren't really authentic troll Japanese, you're fake troll Japanese.
DAMARA:
Whoa don't kill the messenger! Relax. Everyone thinks you're great. In fact, there's probably someone out there RIGHT NOW drawing some weird porn of you.
DAMARA: ???
> Tell me about Mituna Captor.
Mega Man Sollux has some problems. He falls down and stuff and talks on a 4chan background, because of 4chan. But in spite of that, he's brave and does his best and everyone loves him. Also no one can read a damn thing he says. His quirk is the least legible of all quirks, with Damara's coming in at a close second.
> Tell me about Rufioh Nitram.
With apologies to Dante Basco. Dante, I'm sorry about this. All of this. I am so, so sorry. You were leading the regular, modest life of a Hollywood superstar, then this shit happened. Everything is broken forever. I liked your work in The Last Airbender. You know what's funny is how there are probably some people who are reading this right now who have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. But you know what? What the FUCK else is even new.
Anyway. Bangarang, dude.
Bangarang.
#rufiozuko.tumblr.com
> Tell me about Kankri Vantas.
Did you know: it is a Homestuck fact that 99 percent of all readers didn't read or care about anything Kankri said. So in other words, he is exactly like all terrible social justice bloggers. Some social justice bloggers get angry at the joke that he is, but those are the terrible ones, and being terrible is why they get angry. They want to be terrible in peace without being mocked. That is what it is like to be a justified target of ridicule. You feel sad and angry all the time and you don't know why.
Kankri wears a cute red sweater and is otherwise fairly adorable. Porrim acts like his mom which is also cute as hell.
> Tell me about Meulin Leijon
Meulin is the deaf Nepeta in this kickass smorgasbord of disabled characters. She speaks in ASL to say memes which are called mimes because it's one letter away and therefore a play on words. But you can't actually use ASL to say animated tumblr gifs, you can only say words. She otherwise reads lips, which is funny because her bff sewed his damn mouth shut so they just sign memes to each other all day while stoned. It is implied that they smoke catnip together, as if it were marijuana, which is an especially amusing notion to people who like drugs. Moving on??
> Tell me about Latula Pyrope.
Latula is the gamegrl to Mituna's gamebro. Gamebros and gamegrls aren't really "types of people" so much as they are hollow cliches which are patronizing to multiple groups of people on multiple levels. So in other words, perfect attributes for some 1.5 dimensional NPC-caliber characters stocking a fun jrpg style walkaround game. Wait what was I talking about? Oh yeah Latula.
Latula's so rad but she can't smell. I think I agree with Karkat, that's not a disability. That's just like having a cold all the time, but without any actual symptoms or problems. Who cares. Latula likes to high five people all the time, but doesn't like to be left hanging. That's a pun, because Redglare liked to hang people with nooses. Mindfang ultimately left Redglare hanging that way too. I'm explaining jokes here. What? I told you these stories would suck. You get what you pay for.
> Tell me about Porrim Maryam.
Porrim is better at social justice than Kankri because she isn't a boring asshole. Some social justice people should try looking into that. Porrim wants there to be equality for ladies. Not everybody cares about that though, which makes it hard for people like Porrim. That's the way it is in the real world. CHALLENGES. But in any case, she is a vampire with cool tattoos. End of story.
> Tell me about Aranea Serket.
Aranea is a blabbermouth, just like Mindfang. She says long things both as a teen and as a sexy pirate adult that make people ask what am I even reading? It's about time I took over this exposition stand. The way I describe shit is a million times better. She sure charged me enough for it. God I took a bath on this thing. Why was it so expensive??? IT'S MADE OF FUCKING CARDBOARD.
> Tell me about Horrus Zahhak.
This dude is just Equius on horse steroids. The end.
> Tell me about Kurloz Makara.
He chewed off his tongue and sewed his mouth shut because he's a weirdo in cahoots with Gamzee and English. Who even knows what they're up to. It's probably just a lot of stupid bullshit. Meaningless, clownish nonsense. Want to know why they're assembling the wicked ensemble? They probably just think it's funny. Kurloz speaks in bones when he does his clown hypnosis shit but otherwise he mimes everything because get this: he's pretty much literally a mime. Also a juggalo. Because that's exactly what Homestuck needed. Another fucking juggalo. Homestuck needed another juggalo like it needed...
Well, another twelve trolls I guess.
> Tell me about Cronus Ampora.
Cronus is the worst character in Homestuck by a nautical mile. Any questions?
> Tell me about Meenah Peixes.
Meenah is kind of throwing a bone to the pisces people who got stuck with Feferi. Feferi didn't really do anything and then she died. Meenah is a cool sassy punk who has more important stuff to do than Feferi ever did. You just spent like the last three hours playing through these games from her POV so obviously you know that. You're probably sick of fish puns by now. After a while you start running out of fish puns. You can overdo it with fish puns, much like you can overfish the ocean. You start literally running out of fucking fish. Be careful out there.
Meenah discovered that raising and army is hard. But you know what's really hard? What's really hard is making games. Games disguise the effort that go into them probably like few other crafts. In order to make a game that is even slightly better than mediocre, someone probably had to die in the process. Like building pyramids. Nobody actually died while making these games though, hence they were just ok. But still if you add up all the work done collectively on these last three games, it probably was comparable to the manhours that went into [S] Cascade. You know what that is? That's a silly ass fact.
You want me to tell you about YOU??? Talk about self absorbed, but alright.
You say stuff in Japanese, and when people who actually speak Japanese read it they probably laugh because the Japanese is so shitty. Sorry to burst your bubble Damara but the things you say started out in English, went through the google translator, and then out again so that it vaguely makes sense when translated back to English. So you aren't really authentic troll Japanese, you're fake troll Japanese.
DAMARA:
Whoa don't kill the messenger! Relax. Everyone thinks you're great. In fact, there's probably someone out there RIGHT NOW drawing some weird porn of you.
DAMARA: ???
> Tell me about Mituna Captor.
Mega Man Sollux has some problems. He falls down and stuff and talks on a 4chan background, because of 4chan. But in spite of that, he's brave and does his best and everyone loves him. Also no one can read a damn thing he says. His quirk is the least legible of all quirks, with Damara's coming in at a close second.
> Tell me about Rufioh Nitram.
With apologies to Dante Basco. Dante, I'm sorry about this. All of this. I am so, so sorry. You were leading the regular, modest life of a Hollywood superstar, then this shit happened. Everything is broken forever. I liked your work in The Last Airbender. You know what's funny is how there are probably some people who are reading this right now who have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. But you know what? What the FUCK else is even new.
Anyway. Bangarang, dude.
Bangarang.
#rufiozuko.tumblr.com
> Tell me about Kankri Vantas.
Did you know: it is a Homestuck fact that 99 percent of all readers didn't read or care about anything Kankri said. So in other words, he is exactly like all terrible social justice bloggers. Some social justice bloggers get angry at the joke that he is, but those are the terrible ones, and being terrible is why they get angry. They want to be terrible in peace without being mocked. That is what it is like to be a justified target of ridicule. You feel sad and angry all the time and you don't know why.
Kankri wears a cute red sweater and is otherwise fairly adorable. Porrim acts like his mom which is also cute as hell.
> Tell me about Meulin Leijon
Meulin is the deaf Nepeta in this kickass smorgasbord of disabled characters. She speaks in ASL to say memes which are called mimes because it's one letter away and therefore a play on words. But you can't actually use ASL to say animated tumblr gifs, you can only say words. She otherwise reads lips, which is funny because her bff sewed his damn mouth shut so they just sign memes to each other all day while stoned. It is implied that they smoke catnip together, as if it were marijuana, which is an especially amusing notion to people who like drugs. Moving on??
> Tell me about Latula Pyrope.
Latula is the gamegrl to Mituna's gamebro. Gamebros and gamegrls aren't really "types of people" so much as they are hollow cliches which are patronizing to multiple groups of people on multiple levels. So in other words, perfect attributes for some 1.5 dimensional NPC-caliber characters stocking a fun jrpg style walkaround game. Wait what was I talking about? Oh yeah Latula.
Latula's so rad but she can't smell. I think I agree with Karkat, that's not a disability. That's just like having a cold all the time, but without any actual symptoms or problems. Who cares. Latula likes to high five people all the time, but doesn't like to be left hanging. That's a pun, because Redglare liked to hang people with nooses. Mindfang ultimately left Redglare hanging that way too. I'm explaining jokes here. What? I told you these stories would suck. You get what you pay for.
> Tell me about Porrim Maryam.
Porrim is better at social justice than Kankri because she isn't a boring asshole. Some social justice people should try looking into that. Porrim wants there to be equality for ladies. Not everybody cares about that though, which makes it hard for people like Porrim. That's the way it is in the real world. CHALLENGES. But in any case, she is a vampire with cool tattoos. End of story.
> Tell me about Aranea Serket.
Aranea is a blabbermouth, just like Mindfang. She says long things both as a teen and as a sexy pirate adult that make people ask what am I even reading? It's about time I took over this exposition stand. The way I describe shit is a million times better. She sure charged me enough for it. God I took a bath on this thing. Why was it so expensive??? IT'S MADE OF FUCKING CARDBOARD.
> Tell me about Horrus Zahhak.
This dude is just Equius on horse steroids. The end.
> Tell me about Kurloz Makara.
He chewed off his tongue and sewed his mouth shut because he's a weirdo in cahoots with Gamzee and English. Who even knows what they're up to. It's probably just a lot of stupid bullshit. Meaningless, clownish nonsense. Want to know why they're assembling the wicked ensemble? They probably just think it's funny. Kurloz speaks in bones when he does his clown hypnosis shit but otherwise he mimes everything because get this: he's pretty much literally a mime. Also a juggalo. Because that's exactly what Homestuck needed. Another fucking juggalo. Homestuck needed another juggalo like it needed...
Well, another twelve trolls I guess.
> Tell me about Cronus Ampora.
Cronus is the worst character in Homestuck by a nautical mile. Any questions?
> Tell me about Meenah Peixes.
Meenah is kind of throwing a bone to the pisces people who got stuck with Feferi. Feferi didn't really do anything and then she died. Meenah is a cool sassy punk who has more important stuff to do than Feferi ever did. You just spent like the last three hours playing through these games from her POV so obviously you know that. You're probably sick of fish puns by now. After a while you start running out of fish puns. You can overdo it with fish puns, much like you can overfish the ocean. You start literally running out of fucking fish. Be careful out there.
Meenah discovered that raising and army is hard. But you know what's really hard? What's really hard is making games. Games disguise the effort that go into them probably like few other crafts. In order to make a game that is even slightly better than mediocre, someone probably had to die in the process. Like building pyramids. Nobody actually died while making these games though, hence they were just ok. But still if you add up all the work done collectively on these last three games, it probably was comparable to the manhours that went into [S] Cascade. You know what that is? That's a silly ass fact.
That's really all the info you need for a casual read through of the story, and even then, Aranea and Meenah are the only ones who really matter to the story.