Though it was 18 years ago you were given life, only last night you were informed you are a cognizant organism capable of complex independent processes. This has come to you as an incredible shock, as up until then you have felt as if your future was clear. Now, you're much less sure and significantly less hopeful. You have already managed to cause a terrible incident with this newfound freedom, and have decided that the best way to deal with it would be to take a hot bath. Baths always made you feel calmer. Inside the water you feel safe.
Your name is Leslie Roche and you are trying to not think about what just happened. You brought your cellphone into the bathroom with you out of habit. One of your internet friends messaged you, but you haven't responded yet. For some reason, you can't think of anything you would want to say right now to anyone other than "I'm sorry." You could get out at any time and continue living your life but that would imply facing realty which is inherently what you are trying to avoid right now.
>>Continue ignoring problems until you know what to do.
You still have no idea what to do about your unfortunate situation, but more important matters have taken priority. Your morose contemplation has been rudely interrupted by another sudden catastrofuck. It feels like the universe is trying to tell you something. As the glass in your window shatters and your various cleaning products and cacti spill to the floor, you shield yourself with your squishy flesh.
For the first time in your life, you feel like things truly could not get worse. Your soothing hot water is now floating with various debris, polluting your safe space. The cellphone alerts you that someone has messaged you, and the text tonestartles you more than it would have if a bleeding corpse wasn't currently on your floor. Wait, they ARE dead, right? You certainly cant see them breathing from here. Blood seeps into your bathmat and down the side of your tub. The smell is already becoming irritating. You hate this neighborhood.
Of course! Call someone, anyone! Who do you call? The Neighborhood Housing Authority, of course! If only you knew their number. You wonder if they have a catchy number like 911 does.
You wake up your phone with wet fingers. Certainly it would have been smarter to at least dry off your hands, you know that water damage isn't covered by your phone's warranty. Directly under your friends attempts to beckon you, a NEW AMBER ALERT appeared. There’s already been 2 in your area this morning. Freakish meteorological disturbances have recently been reported across the nation and you thank the stars above you don't have cable. The last thing you would want to know is that a meteoroid the size of planet fucking Jupiter is hurling your way. You would prefer to die peacefully, unlike the poor fellow on your bathroom floor who was sadly defenestrated... They are dead right?
Since he is already here, you chose to have your CORPSE SCARE with your internet companion.
You know, maybe he's right. This bathroom is spooky, and messy, and honestly, putting some distance between it and you would be for the best. Grab a towel, and return to your bedroom. Just, don't think about it. Stare at your phone the whole way, and you know, just zone out.
sorry Overwatch's Halloween event released yestarday and all i did was play that LOL.....so double update today!
>>Put distance between self and bathroom >>Grab a towel, and return to your bedroom. Just, don't think about it.
You quickly put your cellphone into your CONNECT-THE-DOT sylladex. It sets a pattern for all captchalogued items, ranging from basic shapes to complex webs that require a more accurate drawing in order to retrieve. The cellphone is set to a basic rectangle, and the dots can be connected in any order. You avoid looking that that which shall not be acknowledged, but keep caution as you gracefully avoid shards of glass.
You get dressed, the smell of copper fading as fresh linens hug your frame. You note your current visage in the reflection of your TV and grimace, as your RESTING BITCH FACE stares you down. If Leslie had any interest in mundane cardgames, perhaps it could advance to the level of INSCRUTABLE POKER FACE. Behind your ugly mug, your mind is instead tasked with EXPLORING THE SKY and RECORDING YOUR FINDINGS. Though early astronomers have already laid the way for you, passion burns deeply and guides your fate. You have always loved looking up at the stars, ever since you were a child. You have studied ASTRONOMY but also have vague interest in ASTROLOGY. You are less interested in myth, but due to the naming system of Beyer's 88 Modern Constellations you found it necessary to value history.
You just came out of the bathroom to the right, and to the left leads to your living room. Around your bedroom a notable amount of CAFFEINE RECEPTICLES can be found. You find little reason to be awake when the sun is out and caffinate your blood accordingly. In your bookshelf, there are various educational texts mixed in with your own writings. Most of your work however, is found on your DESKTOP with an external 2TB hard drive. You use the LAPTOP on your bed for other important tasks and also videogames. Your walls are decorated with STAR MAPS and VARIOUS ASTERISMS from both Greek and Chinese mythology. Your personal favorites hang above your bed, the COMPLETE STARMAP and ORION AND TAURUS.
How in the world are you going to be able to pack all this stuff up and run away? You cant be caught with a dead body on your property. There has to be some way to get rid of the corpse inconspicuously. Today, December 10th, 2016, marks the year ago you moved out of your parents house. Now you live with your NANNA, a term you still use to refer to your favorite grandmother. You don't know if she is home to witness your terrible crime.
A/N: im working on an upload schedule. Stay tuned.
You are suddenly overcome with the terrible urge to put absolutely everything you own in your inventory, but you only have 4 captchalog cards in your sylladex! You proceed to have a minor freak out. How could you possibly survive without all your journals and equipment? Running away from your problems has suddenly taken a difficulty spike.
You captchalogue your trusted ANARCHYTOP. It is symboled thusly so The Man and local baristas will know you aren't some sort of sheepish conformist. You like to consider yourself an intellectual who can't be bothered with silly things such as POSSESSING A BASIC LEVEL OF SOCIAL SKILLS. Despite this, you have learned how to articulate yourself fairly well online.
Your CONNECT-THE-DOTS sylladex registers your laptop as a concave 6 sided object. It is currently loading your game, so it has to stay open. You are grateful for this, because another rectangular object might promptly EJECT your cellphone! Phew, close one.
Ah yes, your trusty friend BINOCULARS. These belonged to your FATHER and were a trademark of your childhood shenanigans. Playful espionage leadway to a nosy predisposition, making you terribly unpopular in social circles. Now you use them for any time you look through this window. You're still very good at getting into other peoples business, but now you keep that part of you on the internet.
>>Use binoculars on window
It’s too foggy today to see much. Sometimes you can see wild sheep grazing on the rolling hills. Everything is pretty typical for your current microclimate. You also captchalogue them once youre done being a weirdo.
Oh right, the game. You sit down and check the download process of the new game you were gifted.
The game’s progress bar is currently at 78%. You only put the game in about an hour ago, but due to the RUDE BATHTIME EVICTION the load hasn't finished. Bummer. You actually aren’t even sure what the game is about, but one of your raving internet chums bought a digital copy for you. You couldn’t say no after she told you it involved many of your INTERESTS.
>>Admire a true hero.
You absolutely HAVE to take your favorite posters if you are going to run away. Under your starmap is a picture of the constellations Orion and Taurus. The image is skewed off the ecliptic and the brightest stars are connected with a white line, depicting an abstract image one might interpret as two figures in battle. The hunter Orion endlessly chases the bull with the flaming eyes made of the orange giant star Aldebaran (which you are particularly fond of). Extending a line from his right hip to his left shoulder will lead you towards the next most notable ecliptic asterism, Gemini. If you--
>>Stop just stop
Your phone and laptop both register an incoming message at the same time, knocking you unceremoniously out of your manic admiration. Fate likes to kick you in the nuts whenever you find yourself TOO HAPPY.
You decide to eloquently spin your anger into a well worded tweet. Every hour in this day seems to manage to be more and more infuriating than the last. Letting off a little steam online helps you clear your head. Only now as you yell into the abyss do you realize that you tend to bottle up your emotions.
>>TELL OFF FOR BREAKING A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT
superHero(SH) beckons unfortunateAsterism(UA)!
SH: LESLIE OMG
SH: have you downloaded the game yet???
SH: this is crazy cool you NEED to connect to me
SH: u online???
SH: hey pooplord answer me!!!!]!
UA: are you stalking me or something Shorty?
SH: no but I get alerts when you make tweets
SH: because you always tweet when youre sad!!!!
SH: i want to make sure youre ok!!!!
SH: but thats not important rn
SH: game!!!!!! did you download it yet??? UA: not yet but it’s like almost there
UA: idk how long it will take though
UA: considering theres a dead body in my bathroom, im not sure how long I will have before the cops show up at my door, so idk if ill get to play it today
UA: or tomorrow
UA: if I get arrested I DONT THINK THEYLL LET ME BRING MY LAPTOP TO THE SLAMMER
SH: lol what??? UA: would you believe me if i told you a corpse flew through my window while i was taking a bath after my fight with Victor?
SH: no way!!!!!!!!!
SH: are you ok? UA: im ok im just a little shook
SH: how long were they dead???
SH: was the body still warm???
UA: uhh i didnt actually
SH: what why not?
UA: I GOT SCARED OKAY
UA: AND I DONT WANT MY FINGERPRINTS ON THAT SHIT
UA: IM ACTUALLY RUNNING AWAY RN
UA: can i come over to your house and stay for a few days?
SH: of course!!!!! this isnt your first time lol
SH: how long do you think it will take for the game to finish downloading??? UA: oh my GOD you and Angelo will not SHUT UP about this game
UA: idk, its at 86% now
UA: I have to keep packing though
UA: life > games yo
SH: also im not even an hour in and its so cool!!!!!!!!!
SH: this game might actually change your life!!!!!!!!! UA: k cool
You sort through your various ACADEMIC TEXTS and PERSONAL NARRATIVE, recalling their contents as you tap your chin thoughtfully. There is one journal you are looking for specifically, a black pocket sized journal you detail only your most IMPORTANT FINDINGS. It appears that you have misplaced it for now. Additionally, there is no book detailing how to hide a BLOODY DEADMAN. You already knew this, but it was good to check.
Frankly, you are SICK AND TIRED of all of this hype! It’s like this new game is all you hear about now! Due to your NONCONFORMIST NATURE, you refuse to acknowledge the games existence for the next few turns. You are a terrible pessimist.
During this fit, your HEAT0METER alerts us that it has raised to 50% due to your helpful STAT SHEET. Currently, your STATISTICS are a succinct collection of the players capabilities. Due to your STATISTICALLY TRACKED TIMELINE, your Statsheet is only a metaphysical recording of your overall wholeness, so you don’t notice it presently.
The STATSHEET is not actually that helpful considering your brain is unable to perceive its existence into any meaningful sense you currently possess. Bummer!
Theres no way any videogame could be life changing. All light fades in the presence of time. Mario 64 was a graphical and technological marvel in 1996, but you wouldn't tattoo the plumbers polaginal visage on your ass. Despite this fact, you idly imagine what it would be like if you did and snicker at the thought.
You may be a giant throbbing asshole, but at least you have an AMAZING sense of humor.
This is your jocular CAT CLOCK, one of the only FRIVOLTIES in life you allow yourself. It doesn't work, but you are too short to reach it at your current vertical disposition. You don't mind though, you appreciate its hilarity regardless of its inherent uselessness. Is that not the purest form of love?
Ah yes, delicious ENERGY DRANK. Due to your NIGHT TIME ACTIVITIES, caffeine burns through your blood like gasoline. Only when a hot black cup of coffee or a cold carbonated beverage cascades down your gullet do you really feel alive. While you certainly could down 5 cases given enough time, your eyes are bigger than your stomach capacity and sylladex.
This is your bed! Queen sized, much like yourself. You may only be 5’0 but you take up a lot of space when you sleep. You also snore loudly due to your undiagnosed sleep apnea, but you don't know that yet!
You take this moment to plunge face first into your mattress. Ah yes, sweet relaxation.