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Post by gutza1 on Jul 23, 2016 12:12:25 GMT
Hey guys, this adventure is not mine and ended a while ago, but I'd like to see a critique of Hexane?
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imglasses
Your shit is wrecked
Meet the Meme Team
Posts: 633
Pronouns: they/them/theirs
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Post by imglasses on Jul 23, 2016 13:46:58 GMT
Oh, I wrote this critique of Cool and New Web Comic the other day and forgot to post it here: Many of us think that this cool and new web comic is the best fictional work of our time. I thought so too, for a while. But if you look closely, it's riddled with errors and inconsistencies. Now that I've seen them, I can't unsee them, and I can't put CNWC on the same pedestal I once did. Don't read this unless you're ready to see CNWC for what it truly is. Let's start with the very first page. Don't see anything wrong here? I do. Try looking more closely. Do you see it now? The line representing the boundary between the wall and the floor passes in front of the bedpost. If you have a good amount of art experience, you already know where I'm going with this. From the observer's perspective, the bedpost is nearer to us than that boundary. Therefore, the bedpost should cover the boundary, rather than the other way around. Surprised? I was. But we're only getting started. Let's look at the next problem. I know what you're thinking. "Where is Jhon's aorta?" Well, I'm here to tell you that "o" neglected to draw it. Don't believe me? Here's a closer look. Generally, the aorta would extend from the top of the heart. What we see instead, though, is clearly the esophagus. As the largest blood vessel in the body, the aorta is a critical detail. The fact that we can see the esophagus but not the much larger aorta is, quite frankly, preposterous. Next, take a look at this page. More specifically, examine the dialogue between these two characters. If you haven't caught on yet, here's a hint. A sentence of the form "That [pronoun] not..." simply does not make grammatical sense. The most likely explanation for this is that "o" accidentally committed a typographical error, intending to type "is" rather than "it". If you replace the word "it" with the similar word "is", the sentence's meaning becomes clear. Try it for yourself and you'll see what I mean. The next error I found was on this page. Have you found it yet? Try looking at Terezi's trolltag. The first letter of the second word is capitalized, as it should be. But it seems the second letter has been wrongly capitalized as well. This is a minor mistake, but it detracts from the overall quality of the comic nevertheless. My last finding is one of the most difficult to notice. See if you can find it on your own. Any luck? Try focusing on this part of the panel. You might be starting to experience a sense of déjà vu. You should. This panel was reused. In a cheap attempt to avoid redrawing the stairs, "o" took the panel, erased Femorafreack, and placed him in his new position. As if that weren't disheartening enough, it seems "o" couldn't even be bothered to fully erase the original Femorafreack. Upon further examination, you will start to notice a shockingly large number of pieces of the original image that the illustrator neglected to remove. Looks like cool and new web comic isn't all we've been making it out to be, huh? These are just the issues that I've found so far; there may have been even more that I failed to notice. I do still believe the webcomic has potential, though, especially if "o" is willing to accept constructive criticism and address these sorts of problems.
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Post by gutza1 on Jul 23, 2016 18:24:49 GMT
Oh, I wrote this critique of Cool and New Web Comic the other day and forgot to post it here: Many of us think that this cool and new web comic is the best fictional work of our time. I thought so too, for a while. But if you look closely, it's riddled with errors and inconsistencies. Now that I've seen them, I can't unsee them, and I can't put CNWC on the same pedestal I once did. Don't read this unless you're ready to see CNWC for what it truly is. Let's start with the very first page. Don't see anything wrong here? I do. Try looking more closely. Do you see it now? The line representing the boundary between the wall and the floor passes in front of the bedpost. If you have a good amount of art experience, you already know where I'm going with this. From the observer's perspective, the bedpost is nearer to us than that boundary. Therefore, the bedpost should cover the boundary, rather than the other way around. Surprised? I was. But we're only getting started. Let's look at the next problem. I know what you're thinking. "Where is Jhon's aorta?" Well, I'm here to tell you that "o" neglected to draw it. Don't believe me? Here's a closer look. Generally, the aorta would extend from the top of the heart. What we see instead, though, is clearly the esophagus. As the largest blood vessel in the body, the aorta is a critical detail. The fact that we can see the esophagus but not the much larger aorta is, quite frankly, preposterous. Next, take a look at this page. More specifically, examine the dialogue between these two characters. If you haven't caught on yet, here's a hint. A sentence of the form "That [pronoun] not..." simply does not make grammatical sense. The most likely explanation for this is that "o" accidentally committed a typographical error, intending to type "is" rather than "it". If you replace the word "it" with the similar word "is", the sentence's meaning becomes clear. Try it for yourself and you'll see what I mean. The next error I found was on this page. Have you found it yet? Try looking at Terezi's trolltag. The first letter of the second word is capitalized, as it should be. But it seems the second letter has been wrongly capitalized as well. This is a minor mistake, but it detracts from the overall quality of the comic nevertheless. My last finding is one of the most difficult to notice. See if you can find it on your own. Any luck? Try focusing on this part of the panel. You might be starting to experience a sense of déjà vu. You should. This panel was reused. In a cheap attempt to avoid redrawing the stairs, "o" took the panel, erased Femorafreack, and placed him in his new position. As if that weren't disheartening enough, it seems "o" couldn't even be bothered to fully erase the original Femorafreack. Upon further examination, you will start to notice a shockingly large number of pieces of the original image that the illustrator neglected to remove. Looks like cool and new web comic isn't all we've been making it out to be, huh? These are just the issues that I've found so far; there may have been even more that I failed to notice. I do still believe the webcomic has potential, though, especially if "o" is willing to accept constructive criticism and address these sorts of problems. I thought this was serious until I read past the first paragraph.
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loading
Raise of the Conductor's Baton
Posts: 435
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Post by loading on Jul 24, 2016 4:52:55 GMT
Once ThreadStuck finishes a few more stories/hits the 10 update mark necessary to leave the cradle, can someone maybe give me some feedback on it?
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Post by yennhikorea on Jul 28, 2016 17:01:20 GMT
Why are your characters always looking up
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Post by Piono on Aug 2, 2016 4:31:57 GMT
Threadstuck has a pretty interesting premise, being able to mess with the story as a sort of co-author instead of just as a command suggestor is a nifty mechanic. The humor has been great and I'm looking forward to seeing where everything goes later on.
That being said... It took me a few tries to actually get any distance into threadstuck, as the updates feel kinda weird. Having two of your personas posting one after the other, even if it really is just one update, makes it look like active railroading and self-bumping at first glance.
EDIT: okay, after another reread, I have to say, it's a mixed bag. First impressions or somesuch. I'd still say try to find a way to make the absolute hilarity of your story a bit more obvious from the get-go, but really, the thing is just nonstop laughs. I applaud you sir.
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loading
Raise of the Conductor's Baton
Posts: 435
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Post by loading on Aug 2, 2016 20:41:22 GMT
Yeah, the high posts/update ratio isn't ideal, but it's the only way to make it work. I really wish that logging out and then back in didn't take you to the home page or that you could be logged in two accounts in 2 tabs. That would cut down post time from 5-10 minutes down to 1. At least I get through it fast enough that it doesn't constantly bump itself. I'm smart about it and pre-write both sides of each update and then just copy-paste.
Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the story, rather than continue it?
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Post by Piono on Aug 2, 2016 20:51:34 GMT
Okay, here's a tip, you can be logged in on the same cpu twice at once if you have chrome, just by using incognito. Have Threadstuck be in your incognito since that's not your standard forum persona, and that way you can have both at once. As for the story, I feel like you've planted a couple of threads relating to the Meta part of the story (ie: The interactions between you and the update terminal) and I feel like if this adventure ever winds up having an actual conclusion, it'd come from that corner. For now though, everything's just perpetuated silliness, and should probably remain so for a while. I can't really think of any other major pieces of advice that are relevant, as the overarching story doesn't feel like it's gonna really get developed for a while yet, other than don't feel you have to make any of the sub-stories serious. It's a silly thread with silly antics. Your premise works best that way. EDIT: Since I'm out of the Cradle and a day or so away from launching into the next "mini-arc", Omegasplit could use some critiqueing. As a note: if you're gonna point out the flaw with the generic-ish opener, keep in mind that I've realized it needs to be improved, but just haven't figured out how to do it yet.
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inspiredsimji
Gritty Midget
Posts: 263
Pronouns: they/them/theirs
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Post by inspiredsimji on Aug 18, 2016 0:39:51 GMT
Hey guys, this adventure is not mine and ended a while ago, but I'd like to see a critique of Hexane? I second this! The adventure happens to be mine, and is no longer over! If someone does critique it though, I apologize in advance for the first, like, 1000 pages, they're kind of bad.
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Post by gutza1 on Aug 18, 2016 1:08:03 GMT
Yeah I thought so too. Though TBH if I made Hexane it would have been a deconstruction of Sburb (which is basically the Matrix) and a homage to the Matrix and Snow Crash, 'cause ultimately Sburb is code made real, but Paradox Space's "reality" is also code. Therefore Viy must have "hacked" Sburb, altering the source code of the session to summon him.
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inspiredsimji
Gritty Midget
Posts: 263
Pronouns: they/them/theirs
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Post by inspiredsimji on Aug 18, 2016 1:13:43 GMT
Honestly, I can now say, especially because I don't actually like Homestuck anymore, that Hexane isn't really about Sburb at all. It started out that way, but it's more the phoenixes' story than anything else. If I were to rewrite it I would exclude everything Homestuck-related, including Sburb, because it would make for a more interesting, accesible, and straightforward story.
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Post by ampeyro on Aug 18, 2016 7:46:48 GMT
Honestly, I can now say, especially because I don't actually like Homestuck anymore, that Hexane isn't really about Sburb at all. It started out that way, but it's more the phoenixes' story than anything else. If I were to rewrite it I would exclude everything Homestuck-related, including Sburb, because it would make for a more interesting, accesible, and straightforward story. You know what? I think it would be great to see a Sburb-less Hexane story, I would definitely watch it. Especially since some of the Sburb related and timey wimey elements in your story felt a bit forced and out of place. I don't know If you really want to start a new story or rework the one you currently have (or change format completely) but I think it would be great to see the story in Hexane "as it should have been" (ignore any unintentional refferences to the edited Star Wars trillogy)
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inspiredsimji
Gritty Midget
Posts: 263
Pronouns: they/them/theirs
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Post by inspiredsimji on Aug 18, 2016 15:18:01 GMT
You know, I'll have to think about it! I definitely want to finish what I started, and if I did do a Homestuck-less rewrite it would be a pretty big undertaking, but who knows? It could be fun!
(Sorry for clogging up the thread talking about my adventure ;_;)
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Post by Arashi500 on Aug 19, 2016 1:25:38 GMT
You know, I'll have to think about it! I definitely want to finish what I started, and if I did do a Homestuck-less rewrite it would be a pretty big undertaking, but who knows? It could be fun! (Sorry for clogging up the thread talking about my adventure ;_;) No worries, better than letting the thread go quiet for too long.
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Post by Piono on Aug 19, 2016 8:31:36 GMT
Indeed, it's nice that some people can get critiques here still.
Speaking of which, I would also be rather interested in a SBURN-less Hexane, however, might I hazard that a little less of the focus be placed on the phoenixes if that happens? The humans are important characters too, and honestly their character development and introductions to how things worked in between their members was rather rushed. I recognize that that may be primarily because of early installment weirdness, but it's still a thought.
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djen
Moppet of Destiny
I'm still a lurker.
Posts: 118
Pronouns: he/him/his
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Post by djen on Aug 25, 2016 14:48:06 GMT
Say, can anyone tell me the ups, downs, and miscellaneous opinions of my adventure, You are Now on The Top of The Tower? If you don't want to do so, feel free to just criticize it. Yes, I am aware that I've essentially made two statements that function the same. I don't care.
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Post by Piono on Aug 25, 2016 15:09:52 GMT
Well, I can't give a comprehensive critique of your adventure, but I can give some advice, some of which I've given before; The biggest downside is that a lot of the time we end up in positions where it feels like you expect us to do a specific thing but haven't given us enough clues to figure out what that specific thing is, and usually when those specific things happen, there's not a whole lot of extra options scattered around for us to do. I would also posit that the puzzles are a little too obtuse for this early on in the adventure, and that having the ability to do things in multiple areas at once, instead of only having one location where we can still get things done, would be a welcome change of pace.
But enough about the negative, your adventure is still quite good, even despite those handful of flaws: The entire thing is really funny. It has a bit of a Problem Sleuth vibe, while being a bit more internally consistent. I WOULD list out all the mechanics I find really cool, except then I'd wind up listing most of them. I'm impressed with how well you're coming up with a coherent lore for the city that paints an actual picture of the city. Most adventures, especially more Problem Sleuth-y adventures, don't really do any real amount of foreshadowing until a bit further on. You're already dropping all kinds of breadcrumbs. And as another specific note, the various collectibles that are starting to show up around the place are very interesting. If the adventure continues in the same vein, item collection will be pretty fun. Last big point I can think of: The puzzles are kinda cool. Even though the screwdriver puzzle was really only solved by dumb luck on our part, it was a very nifty bit.
All in all, I'm really looking forward to more of it. It's got potential.
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Post by eerr on Aug 25, 2016 15:51:58 GMT
Say, can anyone tell me the ups, downs, and miscellaneous opinions of my adventure, You are Now on The Top of The Tower? If you don't want to do so, feel free to just criticize it. Yes, I am aware that I've essentially made two statements that function the same. I don't care. So even after rereading, I still feel confused as to what exactly happened. Now in theory a man just unscrews himself. But in practice it's alot more complicated? Just imagine a continuous bewildered face. The art is crisp and solid. You've been detailing the character, that's not something I see alot of, and I like it. Your adventure stands out of the crowd with writing and art. I look forward to see your triumph over the difficulty of writing puzzles.
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Post by Arashi500 on Sept 2, 2016 5:47:02 GMT
Now that a little over a third of Rootborn has been reconstructed, I'd love to hear some thoughts on it so far. It took a lot longer than I'd hoped, but it's finally at the point where I think there's enough content in what's there to be truly critique-ready, even if there's not a ton of changes I can make to the next two thirds of lost content. Going forward from there I'll still be able to take any comments about it on board. So what are your guys' thoughts, good or bad, about the third of Rootborn so far? What do you like, what don't you like, what would you like to see more of or less of, etc? Thanks in advance for reading! I'd also be happy to hear (and hopefully answer) any questions you guys may have about the adventure. I plan to go back over these first 15 pages and make any minor revisions I can to spruce it up before putting it up on the MSPAFA mirror.
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tronn
Rungjumpin' Ragamuffin
Posts: 287
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Post by tronn on Sept 8, 2016 4:40:49 GMT
Hi! Now that B.C.A. has graduated from the starter arena, I could use some feedback. How's the pacing? Do the character motivations feel solid? Is there something that has been left too vague? Thank you in advance!
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Post by eerr on Sept 9, 2016 15:50:57 GMT
Hey guys, this adventure is not mine and ended a while ago, but I'd like to see a critique of Hexane? I second this! The adventure happens to be mine, and is no longer over! If someone does critique it though, I apologize in advance for the first, like, 1000 pages, they're kind of bad. Hexane, man that is one big adventure, The biggest around?. My most apparent thought while reading was that the story is missing something, yet is also somehow complete? The character splashes really stand out. Your writing and animations are superb. If there was a competition, you are the man to beat! Your coherency holds from scene to scene, panel to panel.
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inspiredsimji
Gritty Midget
Posts: 263
Pronouns: they/them/theirs
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Post by inspiredsimji on Sept 9, 2016 17:02:52 GMT
Aww well thank you!! I'm so glad people are enjoying Hexane. If you cam ever put your finger on what you feel is missing, let me know and I'll see what I can do!
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tronn
Rungjumpin' Ragamuffin
Posts: 287
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Post by tronn on Sept 16, 2016 7:19:13 GMT
Hi! Now that B.C.A. has graduated from the starter arena, I could use some feedback. How's the pacing? Do the character motivations feel solid? Is there something that has been left too vague? Thank you in advance! Bumping this request, please.
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Post by Piono on Sept 16, 2016 21:33:39 GMT
Hi! Now that B.C.A. has graduated from the starter arena, I could use some feedback. How's the pacing? Do the character motivations feel solid? Is there something that has been left too vague? Thank you in advance! Bumping this request, please. I haven't read the whole thing through because it's not really my cup of tea, but you're doing very well. You've thought the world out quite well, the characters are all very good, and the art is wonderful. If you get to the point where you keep this going for long enough, I'd probably recommend setting it up somewhere as a webcomic just on its own. two thumbsup out of five stars.
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KrispyKBacon
Scampermaster
Don't vape on the pizza
Posts: 219
Pronouns: she/her/hers
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Post by KrispyKBacon on Sept 16, 2016 22:27:36 GMT
Could someone critique Notequest? I feel as if the lack of command suggestions is because of something on my part, so it only feels natural to get some feedback so I can improve. Bumping this request.
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