What would be the worst epilogue to Homestuck?

I will be eternally disappointing if Can Town doesn't have a Bubbles Von Salamancer Academy of Dark Arts and Sorcery.

But more seriously, I'd hate it if not a single character brings up the fact that among their circle of peers, some of them are mortal, some of them immortal, and some of them are stuck in the afterlife. Act 7 made it look like the humans were doing their best to pretend that they weren't eternal deities. Obviously I'd be fine if they chose to live the normal life for a while, especially while their mortal friends are around, but if they look as if they're going to pretend to be normal teens for ever and just squander and neglect all that power they have, I will be disappoint.

If it turns out Jack Noir didn't get got by all the relatives and friends of the people he murdered, especially after SS got decapitated for like five minutes of fighting the strider co.

What did I say about implausible epilogues?

If you think it's plausible that's cool but I'd rather not have these "all just a dream" endings.

The other thing you listed, however, is a good plausible bad epilogue.

Any epilogue that further glorifies Vriska without even acknowledging what a terrible person she is.

One that addresses all the nitpicky continuity gripes, irrelevant plot tangents and pet epileptic trees the fandom has accumulated along the way and seems to think are terribly important now.

An epilogue where each page is just a picture or GIF of "where are they now" with no plot resolution, and no accompanying dialog or narration.

You mean like in PS? It was fitting then, but this time if it happens again I'll be mad for sure.

An epilogue in which the Universe C residents talk about the sacrifices of Vriska, the Ghost Army etc. would be kinda terrible. This is because Act 7 made it look like they just buggered off without even trying to check up on them, and the idea that they just presumed their deaths and headed of without offering help, and then later honouring those heroic sacrifices would really infuriate me. If it happened I would officially be sold on the 'The kids are psychopaths' theory.

My bare minimum of expectations for the epilogue are that we get proper confirmation on what happened to:
- Terezi
- Vriska
- Lord English
- The kids that got trapped in the juju
- The sprites

I would normally think it was completely obvious that the epilogue would confirm those things, but the ending itself managed to dive way below my most pessimistic expectations, so it's possible. I'll just say that any epilogue that fails to resolve any of those things would be the worst possible for me.

The victory door opens. Brilliant light shines through, but as it clears, blackness, and green word-art letters that read: SBURB 2. The end.

I don't think this would be bad in itself, but I would hate this if this were entirety of it. Basic plot and character resolution are the bare minimum requirements to possibly redeem the ending for me. Things like this would just be nice additions.

We jump several decades forward in the new universe, and it turns out that the entire comic was an anecdote being recounted by an elderly John to his sickeningly adorable troll/human hybrid grandchildren. As John concludes the story where we ended in Act 7, the eldest and most plucky of the youngsters, Tavska, demands to know what happened next, to which John responds by tapping his nose and saying, "now that is a story for another day."

At that moment, John's thirty-something daughter, Casey, enters the room and tells the group of children that story time with Poppop is over, to which they express dismay. However, she cheers them up by telling them that their Auntie Jane has baked some muffins for them, which promptly gets them up on their feet. Once they have left, John and Casey discuss Roxy—the late wife of John and mother to Casey—and how much they miss her. This leads them to talk at great length about where all of the other living kids and trolls are now.

Some time later, Tavska and three other children from Can Town—Araeri Lalonde, Equeta Strider and Solezi Harley—make their way home from school. As they discuss the release of the new Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff movie and the sequel to Complacency of the Learned, a meteorite suddenly passes by overhead and lands somewhere in the nearby woods. They decide to investigate and begin to run towards the impact site with reckless abandon. Although they do not know what lies ahead of them, one thing is for certain: the adventure has only just begun.

Goodness, that's all so cliché, it might actually be perfect.