Tatanga vs. Crash Man

Magikarp, ever the optimist, decides that now is the time to prove, once and for all, to his glorious Team Leader just how great of an Ally he can be! Gathering as much energy into his tiny, squishy body as he can, Magikarp prepares his signature Combat maneuver, Splash. As he flops around on the ground in anticipation, Crash Man and Tatanga look on. The former, with a look of pity; the latter, with derision.

Before Magikarp can complete his glorious Splash Combat maneuver, Tatanga asserts his absolute alliterative authority as Team Leader and performs the Grab Idiot Teammate Interruption maneuver. Interruption maneuvers are superficially similar to Combat maneuvers in their aesthetic, but where Combat maneuvers are all about dishing out pixels, Interruption maneuvers are meant to disrupt or otherwise hinder another combatant’s maneuver. Usually, these maneuvers are used on members of the opposing team, but there’s nothing in the rulebook that says Tatanga can’t use one to restrain a useless Ally from performing an even more useless waste of energy.

Magikarp can only wince in discomfort and disappointment as Tatanga hoists the fish in front of himself, creating an impromptu shield with which to defend against Crash Man.

Out of both strategic acumen as well as a desire to get away from the awkwardness of having a Team Leader discipline an Ally right in front of him, Crash Man decides he is better suited elsewhere. He remembers spying a bunk bed Barracks upon his cacophonous entrance into Fort Tatanga. The obvious course of action, as anyone who’s ever slept in a bunk bed knows, is to call the top bunk before anyone else can.

Crash Man feels a little bad about just dropping out without leaving a housewarming--er, fortwarming gift, though. As he leaps over to the coveted Barracks, he succesfully deploys a Standard Bomb free of any baby-esque Black Sharpie faces, which lands with a telltale click of activation atop the upturned chassis of the S.S. Crashman. Crash Man then wastes no time in scaling the Barracks, claiming the upper bunk.

This is mostly a superficial claim, as only a fort’s Team Leader can rearrange the status of one’s Barracks. Crash Man would need to perform a successful Hostile Takeover of Fort Tatanga and rechristen it with his own name before he can make any large-scale changes that aren’t just blowing up the place and generally causing damage.

Still, as long as Crash Man sits atop the Barracks, he’s certainly not going to let anybody anywhere near his unofficial territory.

Tatanga would love nothing more than to give Crash Man a heaping helping of the Hammer Time Combat maneuver he so terribly deserves. Unfortunately, two things stand in his way.

One is that Crash Man is now out of melee range, and he’s left behind a Standard Bomb that’s going to severely limit Tatanga's movement options without setting it off. The other is that Tatanga's Stone Hammer is a Two-handed Weapon, and would be impossible to wield without getting rid of Magikarp somehow.

Tatanga tries desperately to think of some sort of underhanded solution that would get rid of both of these issues in one fell swoop...

Crash Man regards his would-be enemy, Magikarp. The Robot Master is sworn to combat the titular leader of Team Tatanga, but he has no beef with this fish! Their relationship is that of one with no beef. A vegetarian could safely feast on it.

Not only that, Magikarp’s abuse at the clawed, grubby hands of Tatanga has not gone unnoticed to Crash Man. Out of the kindness of his cybernetic heart, Crash Man performs an Inspire Treason Interruption Maneuver. This particular Maneuver is used whenever a combatant attempts to make an opponent’s Ally switch Teams. In this case, Crash Man is generously offering Magikarp a spot on Team Crash Man.

Crash Man promises Magikarp that, as an official Team Crash Man Ally, under no circumstances would a Team Leader ever use an Ally as a weapon or a shield. Crash Man states that, as a father, he understands the value of strong interpersonal relationships. He firmly believes that, while victory is the ultimate goal in a world where combat determines worth, it is not an end to which teammate disrespect is a valid means. And if that wasn't enough, Magikarp's addition to Team Crash Man would make for a much more consistent color scheme, seeing as how both of them are predominantly red! Aesthetics are always important to take into consideration.

Crash Man’s words reach Magikarp, and the fish wiggles with eagerness. It looks like Inspire Treason has met with no resistance from its subject!



...Unfortunately, the Maneuver still fails. Team Crash Man can only have as many Allies as its Fort has Barracks, and Crash Man has neither! Until the Robot Master successfully constructs his own Fort, he’s fighting solo.

Crash Man regrets not being as familiar with the infrastructure of organized combat as he’d like to be.

Despite the lack of actual team-switching, Tatanga is furious at his aquatic Ally’s attempt at desertion. No soldier worth his saltwater sides with the enemy! As both a punishment and an example of the strategic deployment typical of Team Tatanga, the alien drops Magikarp directly onto the upturned wreck of the S.S. Crashman, where the Standard Bomb sits.



A bead of sweat forms on Magikarp’s brow as the Standard Bomb detects movement, and subsequently arms itself to explode.

That thing’s gonna cause some serious kablooey. The combatants don’t have too long to decide how to react. Time is of the essence, and they’d better act fast!