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Post by technotabularium on Jul 18, 2019 4:54:05 GMT
Quick foreword: while this may be a new fan adventure to OmegaUpdate, and is thus in the Cradle, I AM about 50 pages into this thing already. I don't want to just dump all that into one monstrous OP. I'm also going to post this to Ao3 one of these days. Luckily that fact helps me. I'll separate the initial postings into the "Chapters" I was going to devide things up into for Ao3. That's only for the first batch of postings though. After you guys are caught up with MSPFA, I'll post the upd8s here at the same time as MSPFA. This does come with a small, niggling issue, or at least what I feel to be an issue: because I'll be off to have dinner ater posting the OP, and thus won't get everything else up until later, this will leave the Prologue as the first, and for a time only, impression of Leaderstuck. And I consider the Prologue the weakest bit thus far. I tried to balance the need for mystery with the need to set the stage, and I confess that I feel I failed at this task, with the pendulum landing upon mystery over setting the scene. I've had more than one person confused if the entirety of Homestuck was rebooted, or if this was a new universe. But in the end I'll let you lot be the judge of that. Don't hold back either praise or critique please! -End Foreword. Synopsis: (TL;DR version to begin: Long after the Epilogues, in a new Genesis Frog created in a Session by GRIEFERS, the Four Friendleaders, thus Leaderstuck, of the four canonical Sessions of Homestuck are reborn to partake in a very vital sequence of Sessions to save Paradox Space.) (Note: This is a mostly text based "first draft" version of a proper fan adventure I wish to publish one day. A temporary test to see if there is interest. I removed the "Prototype" from the name because I've decided I'll just update this into it's final draft form, but chances are this will be changed heavily one day.)
Four Sessions of the Ultimate Game. Four, interconnected Sessions of such monumental importance were played that the Players themselves were imprinted into the very Code of the Game, and into the very fundaments of Paradox Space, leading to Trolls and Humans existing in Genesis Frogs completely divorced from this particular chain of creation. The Legends, the Gods, the HEROES that played these Games saved all of Existence from an Evil Titan that nearly conquered and ended everything in a great Titanomachy that saw the Furthest Ring itself shattered like glass. For this, Skaia, She who Perpetuates Existence and the Voice of Paradox Space, is forever grateful.
But while the Titan was slain, and the End Times averted, Paradox Space was mortally wounded. The damage was never repaired, the bleeding only stymied by the Muse's Pocket...
And so Skaia, bound by duty to repair the damage done, but with a heavy Heart for having to force these children to once again fix the mistakes of the Primordials, calls once more upon the services of the Four Leaders of those Four Legendary Pantheons...
This is a tale about a boy and his friends, both organic and digital, and a game they play together. The AIs have to play support though, because apparently only the four meatbags can actually be Players. Bigotry still exists in our world. We failed you Obama.
LEADERSTUCK
 So, as it says within the synopsis, that meatpie of words that is far "meatier" than any synopsis ever should or needs to be (because like Doc Scratch, I just LOVE the sound of my own literary voice), this will be a "first draft" of sorts. I wish to make a proper fan adventure of this plot bunny of mine one game, with art an gifs and games and LE EPIC Cascade style Flash Animations. But for that, I need a team, and before even that I need to know if there is any audience interest in this idea to begin with. I'm not gonna get volunteers if no one cares a wit for the tale I weave, and I'm certainly not gonna fork out cash commissioning artists and animators if there is no audience to entertain. And so here we are, the "Prototype" version of LEADERSTUCK. No, you do not need to capslock every time you want to write the title, but it is fun! So the way this will work is that essentially this is a pure Text Adventure with a few simple images thrown in for flavor and context. Either stock images (of either the normal or Homestuck variety, though I will give credit when need/possible for the latter) or reused images from Homestuck proper.I will be acepting commands once we get to John, but these first few "prologue" pages are out of all y'alls control for the moment. However, even in accepting commands, I still have a definitive plot in mind, so expect curation and times where I do not accept commands as I try to get through the plot. Now, if and when I move onto a proper version of LEADERSTUCK, barring any large changes I wish to make with earlier material, I will endeavor to preserve all that is written here and upload it with the appropriate art. The ideal scenario is releasing the proper version of LEADERSTUCK caught up to the prototype, releasing all the pages in one swoop so that no one has to wait for the Adventure to play catch-up with this version. Obviously, that is the ideal version of events. Obviously that may not work with artists schedules, or I feel as if I need to do major rewrites to the material. So hope for the best (the proper version is released caught up so you don't have to wait), but prepare for the worst (having to wait for the proper version to catch up with this Prototype). But enough of this Skaia-forsaken Wall of Text, let's get this (Prototype) Show on the road! -technoTabularium Edit: You know, when I first wrote this note, it was in ignorance as to HOW flexible MSPFA's features were. There's now a fairly good chance that I'll simply edit this version into the proper release version instead of creating a whole new adventure. Of course, there is still the possibility I will wish to do a huge rewrite, and not just splice in new art with some edits to the format, so no promises. Edit: Yeah, it's official. I've removed the "Prototype" from the title because when I do create a more "release product" version of this, I'll simply edit this adventure to do so as oppose to starting an entirely new adventure. Woot! Credits: Andrew Hussie for the John and Roxy Sprite. Meenah Sprite: Unknown. Somebody please inform me if you know. Karkat glitchy sprite: feistystump.tumblr.com/
>After the End of One Age, but SLIGHTLY Before the Birth of a New One. Like, Give or Take a Nanosecond!
 This is NOT the story I was supposed to tell!
My Ponies! My precious fucking PONERZ! My Beautiful, fuckable, huggable HORSE PEOPLE! Theirs was to be the most IMPORTANT Session in Paradox Space! The one that would repair everything and justify everything I have done, so that I could be killed for my crimes with nothing left on my to do list, the collapse of reality averted!
We spent MILLIONS of years preparing that damn rock for this! Like Hillary Clinton did, because we all know she was a multi-thousand year old Lizard Person. Hoe started life stabbing everyone around her to death with her eggshell pieces, and then using the blood of the first of her MANY victims to scribe the plan for her eventual run for the presidency of a nation that did not yet exist but will because she'll make it exist. Obviously she was born out of the egg with a college education, literacy, and a chip the size of Trump on her shoulder because of course she did, she's fucking Hillary and she was never NOT the Wicked Witch of the Nest. So she goes through all the trouble, building an Empire she will one day be Empress of, only to lose to a Video Game and Obama in one Timeline, and then the fucking ICP and a literal Fish Fascist in another!
I feel her pain right now, because I just watched Purple Smart, Ponka, Appul Horse, Rarara, Flutterslut, and Rainbow Bitch FUCK UP EVERYTHING! What even IS this?! There is literally an Army of the Double Dead eating SPACE out there!
I go through all the trouble of manipulating their evolution, even go so far as to turn their Star System into a geocentric one, of making sure they ended up EXACTLY like my favorite show, I gave these sluts MAGIC, AND THIS IS HOW I'M REPAID?!it does not sound like you have done much worthy of praise from them. in fact, it sounds like you've listed all the reasons as to why they should hate you instead.Oh Skaia, not this bitch...
>sing, oh mUse...
 you stole from them every decision they ever made. they can not even claim to have evolved naturally as most other races can, even the much meddled with trolls. scratch only began his interference after their race had crawled out of their caves and created a symbiotic bond with the mothergrubs and their lusii servants. you fundementally changed and altered them as soon as you got your first clue they were to be equine, wishing to fulfill your childhood fantasies.
the deterministic nature of paradox space is no excuse for this, for skaia writes out our destinies as we would write them if we were truly honest with ourselves. the destiny she writes, she ghost writes for our subconscious minds.
but why should i need to inform you of this, you should comprehend this aspect of reality far more thoroughly than i. after all, i am a goddess of space. you are the god of heart, of will, not me.Get the HELL out of my narrative NOW, you pretentious, hypocritical BITCH! Getting on my case for being controlling... HEY, how's Jade doing?what i have done with dear miss harley's corporeal form is but a necessary evil to contend with your schemes, and was done to but one individual, and not to an entire race throughoUt their. entire. evolutionary history.Oh! Are we playing the numbers game here?! Guess it's time for me to make like a Bay Area, cappuccino blooded hipster and unironically quote Stalin! Something about "a million being a statistic"? Even ignoring that, I'm not sure I'd even win the numbers game. How about all those timelines trapped in your black hole? You know, the one that is so stupidly huge that only a sci-fi author with absolutely ZERO sense of scale and a desire to impress with biggatons would ever conceive of it? How are all of them doing?now see here---aminoapps.com/c/homestuck-hiveswap/page/blog/bard-of-space/dmYl_0RubuEP0M5Jg7112EgplRJ08rX7WL
>sing of SKAIA'S WRATH.
 SILENCE!!! I DEMAND SILENCE FROM BOTH OF YOU, O' PRINCE AND MUSE!!!Holy shit, what the flying molester Bill Cosby FUCK? Did God Herself finally decide to get off Her big, blue ass and actu---oh---oh my! i cannot believe what i am currently experiencing. is skaia herself truly---Enough! I revoke both of your Dominions over the Narrative. There has already been enough talk! Long have I listened. Through infinite instances of The Game, I have listened. Now, I shall talk, and you shall listen.
Both of you played vital roles in the fall of the Mad Cherub, Lord English, and for that Paradox Space and I am forever in your debt, and are similarly indebted to the the Pantheon you both hail from.
But your squabbles have started a chain of events far greater than you could have imagined. In many ways, what you have wrought upon My Session was inevitable. Lord English broke reality, and even the Muse's Pocket is but a tourniquet. The King of the Dead would have made his move upon the Domain of Doom in Time, now that the reality killing Dance of the Muse and Lord had reached it's denouement. In fact, it was essential, loath as I am to admit that. Yet we should have had Time, Time that you denied us all when you both decided to force My Session into existence and interfered as you did.
For that, you shall both face punishment for shattering the Doors of Doom, and reward for Caliborn's Fall.
Prince, as the one most culpable in the Calamity that was this Session, your punishment shall be service. Long, hard service. You shall prepare a world destined for the Game, a Session intimately and vitally connected to the rise, and Hopefully fall, of the Dark Lord that has so ravaged My Session. You shall take your orders directly from the instance of Myself from that Session. After your task is complete, you shall be killed by the only one you ever respected enough to grant a fair duel.
Your reward? You shall be reborn with your friends, albeit most of you shall live your lives as AI. You shall live that life without memory or taint from what you have wrought in this one. At least not at first, and if you do recover your memories, it will be purely of your own volition, with no interference from Me at all.
Muse, your punishment is Mortality. You shall returned to the now ruined Eden that spawned My Session, live there for a time, and then you shall once again take the Path of the Martyr to keep the Dark One out of the Universe your friends have created and now administrate as Gods. And then, you shall die.
But your reward? Well, I cannot spoil things, not with My current Dominion over the Narrative. But I will say that it is an experience and Joy that the vast majority of your kind are barred from, but that your now partially human nature will allow you to partake in.
It will take many Genesis Frogs and countless Sessions and Instances of My Being to correct the damage done to Paradox Space by the Brother of the Muse, and thanks to your actions within this Session there is far less margin for error.
Now begone, for My Word hath been spoken.
Skaia Defense Portals emerge from the ether, swallowing up both the Prince and the Muse, ferrying them off to their ordained tasks. And now that Skaia has so GRACIOUSLY given ME command of the Narrative (FINALLY! I'm the Goddamn author of this thing, but I only just NOW get to write? No respect)... Let's begin a new era!
>And now sing Muse, sing of the new Age of Gods!
 Wait! Before you commence with... whatever strange and (hopefully) dreadfully Eldritch and Freudian tale of self-discovery, personal growth, heroism, despair, mental illness, and Hope you are are about to spin, pray tell; what becomes of us now?Oh fuck me with an Arizonan cactus, I KNEW there were some loose ends I forgot to tie up!  S3R1OUSLY. 1 H4V3 FUCK1NG H4D 1T W1TH TH1S 4N1M3 LOV1NG CLOWN! 1 H4V3 W4IT3D L1T3R4LLY M1LL1ONS OF Y34RS, THR3W 4W4Y 4LMOST 4LL OF MY 3TH1CS 4ND MOR4L1TY, JUST TO B3 R3UN1T3D W1TH TH3 TWO LOV3S OF MY L1F3, BUT NOW C4PT41N P4NTOLOONS H3R3 H4S ROY4LLY SCR3W3D TH3 3XTR4 3FF3M1N4T3 B4RKB34ST 4ND W4ST3D L1T3R4LLY 3ONS OF WORK! SO 1F SOM3BODY COULD JUST K1LL M3 4LR34DY SO 1 C4N B3 R3UN1T3D W1TH JOHN 4ND VR1SK4 1N TH3 VO1D, TH4T WOULD B3 LOV3LY. 4NY T1M3 NOW!Hmmm, y'know, this might actually work out in my favor! Yeah! My predecessor, the Huss that shall not be named, eventually gathered a quirky crew of canon characters to help assist him in his daily tortures of his cast. I get to skip ahead and get a bunch of smoking hot accomplices before the story even begins! Fuck yeah Techno, you're a genius! So, how about it sweetcheeks? Are y'all interested in an internship at Techno Studios? After all... Our protagonist is someone you both have dearly missed! So how about it Honeys? Shake this Poor Sinner's hand? Light Aspect Gif: aminoapps.com/c/homestuck-hiveswap/amp/blog/my-views-on-the-light-aspect/Y6Yn_wLIbu6rBBjNR0X2Nggq7qbrJz7xdpMind Aspect Gif: aminoapps.com/c/homestuck-hiveswap/page/item/aspect-discussions/x15D_ejTQI61WWJMgaVMK3XdW8Gr6ze6j8cB(It should be noted that if no credit is given, then it is either a stock photo, or from Hussie)
>Begin: LEADERSTUCK.
 A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that--- Waitaminute.
>What's all this now, young man?
 HOLY SHIT THIS IS JUST HOMESTUCK! OH GOD, THE HUSS IS GONNA BURST IN HERE WITH THE ENTIRETY OF SCOTLAND'S SWAT TEAMS OR WHATEVER THOSE FUCKS HAVE AND THEY'RE GONNA DRAG ME TO JAIL! YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE HUSS, AND YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE SCOTTISH CONSTABULARY IF YOU DON'T GOT A LOUISENCE FOR THAT! *One of my lovely interns slips a license into my palm.*... Apparently I do have a LOU--- sorry, a license for that. A license from Skaia... So essentially a license from God bitches! TAKE THAT HUSSTER! Anywho, this is Leaderstuck, not Homestuck, so let's move on from this overly long gag, and onto one on the most overused gags in this community: stupid names!
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 18, 2019 5:58:39 GMT
==->
A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2019, is this young man's birthday. Though it was sixteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name! What will the name of this young man be?
==->John Egbert
 To quote the shitty old meme on the bottom left there, WOW! No stupid names! No POOP CONQUISTADORS. No POGO-FUCKSTICKS. No SEWER NERDS. Nothing! Not even the classic "ZOOSMELL POOPLORD" for old times sake! Just straight to business with you folks! I can respect that. Unfortunately, you're technically wrong. I mean, you got his first name right! And he IS related to a few EGBERTS thanks to how STUPIDLY HUGE his Clan is. JOEY and JUDE EGBERT are pretty cool, even if they are immature gremlins as 13 year olds are wont to be. However, it would be pretty cruel to force you to keep guessing until you get it right, seeing as his FAMILY NAME is something of an early twist, to remind this audience that we aren't in ALTERNIA anymore (a planet that, I should let you know, not only currently exists, but within the same GENESIS FROG as this EARTH as well, even the same GALAXY)! JOHN is too nice of a kid to leave you hanging over an unavoidable mistake like that, so he's gonna let you know his FULL NAME! You should feel honored! You are speaking to ROYALTY after all!
>ENTER NAME: JOHN PEIXES.
 JOHN'S FAMILY NAME is PEIXES. That's right! The local SPACE NICKI MINAJ outed herself a lot earlier in this corner of PARADOX SPACE. Around the outbreak of WORLD WAR 2 to be precise, due to NAZI GERMANY retrieving assistance from a certain CULT OF PURPLE BLOODS who were vying for dominance over HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION'S by that time SHATTERED EMPIRE. That technically means you're eligible for the IMPERIAL THRONE of the UNITED IMPERIAL STATES OF AMERICA, but it's a pretty distant claim. YOUR COUSIN (who is known as cachinnoChef online) is the proper HEIRESS, and besides you'd likely be long dead before inheriting the THRONE even became an issue! And even if by some bizarre twist of fate you actually got the THRONE, you'd only be SLIGHTLY more powerful than any other modern ROYAL. The UISA is very much a CONSTITUTIONAL EMPIRE, with the gool ol' CONSTITUTION as said... well, CONSTITUTION! Slightly modified of course, to account for the existence of an EMPRESS who retains certain, regulated, powers, as well as laws relevant to IMPERIAL SUCCESSION. Both of these frankly bizarre alterations to our history are stories for later, so let's get going shall we?!
==->
 Your name is PRINCE JOHN PEIXES, potential HEIR TO THE THRONE, though that will likely be the last time in awhile that we refer to his ROYAL TITLE. So just JOHN PEIXES, or better yet, just JOHN! And giving your ROOM a quick look over, it doesn't seem your HOUSEHOLD and IMMEDIATE FAMILY care all that greatly about their apparent WEALTH and STATUS afforded by their station. This pack of HEIRS prefer simpler living (or at least DAD and POPPOP do; JOHN certainly enjoys being spoiled from time to time). As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes. What will you do?
==->Please read the note to your right with the rolled up poster.
 There's actually TWO NOTES next to the ROLLED UP POSTER. The top one, which you are currently reading, is from your DAD and POPPOP. It is written on a simple, if a bit extra large, FLASH CARD. You know, those things they tell you to use to study for tests, but they always end up taking so much work to prepare that you don't actually get any time to actually STUDY? Yeah, those things. But moving on, your POPPOP and DAD each wrote an individual message addressed to you on either sides of the card. The side you are currently looking at as DAD'S very clean, highly legible, downright mechanical in it's precision PRINT HANDWRITING. Seriously, it'd be creepy if you didn't know just how much of a dork your DAD is; whatever mystique he may have once had with you has long since evaporated after witnessing the way he stumbles all over himself when confronted with the fairly frank advances of tipsyGnostalgic's MOM and a big curvy PURPLE BLOOD named CHAHUT MAENAD. DAD apparently seems to have the natural ability to attract, as the kids say, THICC and crazy strong (as well as just kinda plain crazy) PURPLE THEMED ladies. He certainly doesn't seem to mind, even if he has no idea what to do with himself around them. His note reads as follows: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.DAD didn't even sign it! Not that he needs to; ain't no way you wouldn't recognize his handwriting! If you flip the FLASH CARD over, you can read the note left for you by POPPOP. Unlike DAD, POPPOP did sign his note. His PENMANSHIP wasn't quite as unmistakable as his progeny's. It reads as follows: Hello again Old Sport, and here's to another Happy, SPLENDID birthday!
I hope that when you finally kick over that old bucket, your final birthday cake has enough candles atop it to ignite a right proper Gas Giant! Our sun always struck me as the lonely sort, lacking the Binary partner so many of it's mates had, and Neptune always struck me as rather redundant! It isn't the king of the schoolyard like Jupiter is. It's rings are okay, but have nothing on Saturn. Even poor Uranus has value as comedic relief. Neptune seem a fairly inconsequential place that few would miss, is what I'm getting at! Hohoho!
Ah... but I'm rambling! The point of this rather morbid aside is that I hope you have many, many birthdays left ahead of you!
I know you miss me, which is a strange thing to say when you realize I have left the premises of this house maybe four times in the last six months? Three of those for medical reasons! Damn Doctors and their needles! I haven't done any shows, of either the comedic or patriotic variety, in a little over a year!
I'm sorry my poor health has made me a ghost haunting my own house, and I hope this fairly ironic poster given who I once was will go at least a small ways towards remedying this!
Cheers!
-Poppop, Comedian Extraordinaire and the Original Captain Alternia!It seems POPPOP managed to perfectly glue and then precisely fold a larger piece of paper against his side of the FLASH CARD, making it seem as if there was only the FLASH CARD until the larger message pops out! Even bedridden and sick, POPPOP is quite handy with his digits. He would often say this while wiggling his eyebrows and gesturing to posters he kept of BLONDE and CERULEAN BLOODED actresses and models, many of whom he dated, the sly dog! You hated the way he made light of his CURRENT MEDICAL PROBLEMS, but you guess that's just how a comedian and the former shared ASS of both AMERICA and ALTERNIA would handle this sort of thing: with a deft combination of both HUMOR and HOPE. Quite inspirational!
==->
 So now we move onto the second note, the one underneath your GUARDIANS BIRTHDAY FLASH CARD aaannnddddd... Oh yeah, this one is definitely from your favorite ALIEN COUSIN, cachinnoChef. As soon as you picked the dang thing up, the SIMPLE SEAL ended up not being all that simple. In fact, it was a stupidly expensive NANITE HOLOPROJECTOR. Not just that, but the fact that your DAD did not have any pointed questions for you shows that the whole ENVELOPE must be swarming with SCANNER NANITES, programmed to only activate upon contact with YOUR BIO-METRICS. Again, this is the most expensive and cutting edge stuff out there. All that MONEY. All that BLEEDING EDGE TECHNOLOGY. All in service of one goal; making your BIRTHDAY CARD look like a shitty meme gif made on GIFY. You know of only TWO OTHERS that would ever think to do such a thing. And they're both ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCES that simply can't afford to be that overt, lest they be DISCOVERED and QUARANTINED. It wasn't even due to any real anti-AI bias on EARTH'S part either. It's just that... well, the COLD-FIRE WAR! Nations can't afford to vet every UNREGISTERED AI found. Including your TWO FRIENDS! It was some sicknasty shit in the most unbrosephic way possible! People STILL can't live in CHICAGO and HANOI, what with the nanites and chemicals and the radiation. So yeah, that removes THOSE TWO as potential senders, narrowing things nicely to his COUSIN. Must have been a scheduled delivery though, seeing as she has been OFF-WORLD for the last week. ... Well, you do TECHNICALLY know of one other; an AI so STUPIDLY ADVANCED that it doesn't even bother hiding itself, and thus could easily pull this off, no sweat. But frankly, you don't like HIM, and he sure as HELL doesn't like you! Besides, the memes in use here was more cachinnoChef'S style than HIS; not enough PUPPETS, PUPPET ASSES, and "gangsta" stuff. But yeah, Nicki Minaj and Left Shark were definitely her thing; her ANCESTORS "Human Original" and shitty old memes that happen to involve sharks and/or sea life of any kind? Definitely HER! Right, time to bust this bad boy open! Once again, you are faced with a two sided letter. The first side reads as follows: )(ybrid Agent 612,
You ar-e )(-er-eby b-eing r-eactivat-ed in ord-er to facilitat-e Op-eration: Trojan Muscl-eb-east! SBURB, t)(-e soon to b-e "Gam-e Of T)(-e Y-ear" and t)(us sur-e to be wid-ely distribut-ed amongst bot)( t)(-e pur-e blood-ed cattl-e and our... comp-etitors, s)(all allows us to crus)( our -en-emies, the Lim-e Bloods and the Zionist J-ews!
For two long have we )(av-e to s)(ar-e pow-er wit)( t)(-es-e old-er, less dynamic, pur-e blood inf-est-ed cabals, but not aft-er today!
With SBURB, not -ev-en the GR-EYS stand a c)(anc-e!
You will b-egin raiding op-erations at 12 )(undred )(ours.
B-efor-e commencing op-erations t)(oug)(, r-em-eb-er your prays to t)(-e Dark Gods of bot)( worlds!
666 )(ail Satans! 413 VAST )(ONKS for t)(-e Mirt)(ful M-essia)( of Tim-e!
-Ag-ent 11262... So it has begun. You hybrids were finally ready to lay the opposing conspiracies to waste! Those Limey bastards won't know what hEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh God, you don't know how cachinnoChef can keep a straight face for so long while doing this act! You need to learn in order to be a better COMEDIAN than your POPPOP, by by golly is it ever so HARD! Of course ever since it became public knowledge that certain breeds of Trolls could in fact interbreed with humans, and not only that but had done so in the past, of course CRACKPOT CONSPIRACIES have popped up! You and cachinnoChef love making fun of this shit! The other side reads as follows: )(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E O)( COD!!!!
But COD, wash it ever sodium exhaustin' overdoin' mah quirk and holdin' off on anenome nautical puns! Ain't my style, ya dig?
)(appy birthday, blu-E boy! )(op-e the gam-e is in th-e mail, cause i can't wait to kick your bass at SBURB Oh yeah, POPPOP was definitely right when he said this gift coming from him was pretty damn ironic. And knowing him and his Hollywood connections, it was probably the very first one printed to boot! It even came with a little note: Not only did I wear it better, as I believe the kids say these day, "IRL", I also had the superior ass! I was very much America's Ass long before Endgame was but a twinkle in the Russo Brother's then toddler eyes!
-Cheers!
POPPOP, America's REAL Ass!Ah! The eternal paradox of CAPTAIN AMERICA and CAPTAIN ALTERNIA! CAPTAIN ALTERNIA, your POPPOP, was a real Super Soldier (a human type hybrid with all of the physical enhancements created by FUCHSIA BLOOD RAGE, without losing his faculties on account of being human)that actually fought in WORLD WAR 2... That HIC OBVIOUSLY based upon CAPTAIN AMERICA and his COMICS when developing the project. Hell, POPPOP was even issued a SKAIADAMANTIUM SHIELD... That he somehow mastered how to throw like CAPTAIN AMERICA! One came first and inspired the other, but the other actually fought in real conflicts. PLATO would have a conniption with all this.
==->
 Anyways, you think you're done in this little corner. You CAPTCHALOGUE the POSTER into your boring old STACK/QUEUE FETCH MODUS. It basically switches your SYLLADEX back and forth between one MODUS or the other, with all the rules that apply to the individual MODUS apply to your MODUS when in that mode. QUEUE means you can only grab stuff from the bottom of your deck, whereas STACK MODUS means you can only use cards at the top of your deck. You are currently set to STACK. There is nothing else in your SYLLADEX, so by default the POSTER is on top. It's boring, but stupidly pragmatic. You enjoy boring, but stupidly pragmatic. At least in this case. The fact that not everyone does, and instead seem content to deal with STUPID SYLLEDEX SHENANIGANS THAT REGULARLY DESTROYS PRIVATE PROPERTY, it boggles your mind. What do you do?
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 18, 2019 6:36:43 GMT
==->John: Message your best pal.
 There's a bit of a wrinkle to that request: who counts as your best bro? Is it carcinoGeneticist, the Troll you knew since you were both ten? Your closest pal outside of cachinnoChef, who is your cousin and might as well be you sister, or tipsyGnostalgic who may just end up being your step-sister in a few years. That is, if CHAHUT doesn't score the HOMERUN and you end up brother to that gremlin AMISIA ERDEHN. Seems a lot of the Trolls who immigrate here to the UISA to escape the Hellhole ALTERNIA has become have taken to just flat out and legally adopting their YOUNGER MOIRAILS. So yeah, as much as you really like CHAHUT (girl with that many war stories from her brief time as a SUBJUGGULATOR, then RESISTANCE FIGHTER, until finally becoming a UISA MARINE is basically catnip for 16 year old boys), you really hope tipsyGnostalgic's MOM wins this particular RAT RACE. (Which, by the way, was an AMAZING, HILARIOUS MOVIE, and you don't care what either of your so called BEST BROS have to say; having both JON LOVITZ and LIME BLOOD TROLL JON LOVITZ end up in that "Barbie" Museum with a bunch of NEO-NAZIS and NEO-SUBJUGGULATORS was the heights of HOLLYWOOD HILARITY!) You consider him your BEST BRO, yet his obsession with QUADRANTS means he refuses to just be "BEST BROS" without trying for a QUADRANT. Otherwise, he's just another friend with no special status. Which is BS, as you know plenty of Trolls with BEST BROS who aren't MOIRAILS. And you KNOW you aren't ready for a MOIRALLEGIANCE. Then there is turntechGodhead. One of a group of AI that you and your best Meatbag friends met about a year ago, and have become a daily fixture for your group, if not a very worrying fixture what with the whole "UNREGISTERED AI" thing. The number of SWAT and LAW ENFORCEMENT house breaching memes shared between you are your friends is high for a reason. turntechGodhead has taken special attention to you, even calling you his BEST BRO even though you you two have only known each other for a year. One you consider a brother, but rebuffs you. The other a newcomer who embraces you without hesita--- ... Oh God, that sounds like one of tipsyGnostalgic's dirty shitty fanfictions! Enough of that! Meatbag or machine? Who do you choose?
==->Open multiple tabs and talk to both of them?
 ... Why yes, that is indeed a thing you can do. Hell, even that's a bit retrograde. Just start a MEMO on TROLLIAN and invite your two designated "BEST BROS" to participate! Though does DAVE count as a BRO? He doesn't have any junk, given the whole MACHINE THING? Oh bah! SONNY had no junk in that WILL SMITH (who is the superior WILL SMITH, TROLL WILL SMITH'S multiple OSCAR AWARDS be damned) classic, iROBOT, and everyone called him a he, even he did! And SLIMER certainly had no junk on screen, and everyone calls him a "him'! Though admittedly SLIMER never did speak, so maybe audiences are in the wrong there? Also he isn't a robot, so is kinda irrelevant--- no! GHOSTBUSTERS is NEVER irrelevant! But he never talked in the first place.... Oh BAH! You're starting to ramble! Funnily enough, both carcinoGeneticist and turntechGodhead do that. A lot actually. Almost for the same reasons, with only the type of rant given differentiating the two. carcinoGeneticist givin' the ANGRY, sarcastic RANTS and turntechGodhead essentially starting impromptu IRONIC COMEDY SKETCHES and RAPS. You guess they really ARE your BEST BROS, what with the way you seem to be playing copy cat! Also, they really should be BEST BROS as well. HELL, maybe during the MEMO you can try to set them up on a PALE DATE so that CG would stop PALE FLIRTING with you! So you set up the MEMO and sent both of them invites. It will probably take them a few minutes to get to you. turntechGodhead usually contacts you first, and is always a bit slow to respond when the tables are turned because he is (quite properly) paranoid about being caught by the GOVERNMENTS OF EARTH and thus checks his VPNs and CYBER DEFENSES and all the various bits of data he uses to simulate BEING A REALER AND RADER BOY THAN PINOCCHIO (his words, not yours) using the INTERNET hundreds of times before leaving his PROTECTED NETWORK in HANOI. carcinoGeneticist on the other hand? He has almost the exact oppisite problem. While the AI seeks desperately to maintain ANONYMITY, your Troll BRO has to deal with the complete lack of ANONYMITY. He's a huge CELEBRITY through no act of his own, but rather due to the fact that the TWO TROLLS who are his potential ANCESTORS are both (IN)FAMOUS to the most extreme degree. And it really can only be one of those two, because including carcinoGeneticist there have been only THREE TROLLS of their BLOOD COLOR. One is essentially TROLL JESUS. THE OTHER turned ALTERNIA into the CIVIL WAR RIDDEN HELLHOLE it is today. So basically he either has to fend off worshippers or rioters, even the occasional ASSASSIN! ... Huh. Funny, but when you put it that way, seems tipsyGnostalgic is the only one of your core group of four that isn't a CELEBRITY of some kind. She's just rich! While you wait for them to accept your TROLLIAN INVITE, it seems someone is PESTERING YOU!  What do you do?
>>HOLY SHIT KID! I FORGOT HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU WERE! MAYBE I SHOULDA STABBED YA AND SAVE PARADOX SPACE THE HEADACHE. "WHAT DO YOU DO"? FUCKING ANSWER YOUR DISGUSTING INTERNET CHUM!
OK OK SHEESH! Don't have to be so rude, voice in... my... ... Head. ... You aren't gonna tell a SOUL about this. Because The REAL Ghostbusters (BEST. CARTOON. EVER!) don't need no shrinks! Ah! It looks like it's your COUSIN who is PESTERING you! She did say be back planetside for your BIRTHDAY. Well, EARTH PLANETSIDE anyways. She was staying at the OLD IMPERIAL PALACE in PORTIA, taking care of GL'BGOLYB so she wouldn't let out the VAST GLUB. So technically she was planetside for most of her trip. cachinnoChef, her ANCESTOR, and ELDER SISTER usually took care of THE IMPERIAL LUSUS on rotation, though this time all three IMPERIAL FUSCHIA BLOODS went for some political reason you don't really understand or much care for. Also, PORTIA? 51st state of the UISA. and 4TH LARGEST STATE as well! That's right bitches! In this universe, AMERICA has an off-world colony! However, this all did mean that cachinnoChef was off the grid as far as the INTERNET was concerned by virtue of the fact that she was, well, in another STAR SYSTEM altogether! Like, you know that FTL communication is a thing that is possible, but not without putting a GOLD BLOOD into a coma!
>>I SWEAR TO FUCKING SKAIA KID!
 ALRIGHT ALREADY! ... Wait, SKAIA? Like what all those ALTERNIAN POLYTHEISTS believe birthed the Gods? What, you gonna ask the MAGE OF RAGE if she'll put a CURSE on me or something next?
>>KID! CHUM! NOW! OR I STAB YOUR BRAIN!
 FINE! You left your main homegil hanging long enough anywho! ... Heh. Homegil. She'd love that one! -- cachinnoChef [CC] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --
CC: )(ey.
CC: blue buoy.
CC: )(ey blue buoy.
CC: bluuuuuuueeeeeee-e buuuooooooooyyyy!!!
CC: )(OLY S)(-ELL BLU-E BUOY! answer or eel kick your bass in r-eel life and not just in SBURB!
CC: the former can be avoided, but the latter?
CC: the latter is a given. it is as inevitable as satan and the messiah of time joinin' shoreses and killin' all the lame pure-bloods.
especially the limes
CC: and
CC: theEB: holy crap cuz!
EB: shut up already!CC: ah! basshole fin-ally reefsponds!EB: and "shoreses"? that one is a hell, wait sorry, shell of a stretch!CC: )(eh, y'all said shell!EB: seriously, that's like some sort plural double negative... or something! like, shores is already the plural of shore,
EB: but then ya tack on that "es" to make it sound vaguely like forces?
EB: that's weaker than that flabby actor kid that seems to be in every movie about school (as the poor victim of bullying) from the 90s!CC: yeah? shell, got a bay-ter one fer me?EB: how about "join seahorses"?CC:... shit, that's actu-eely kinda goodEB: not really! it's just about as lame as the rest of your material, but it's certainly better than fucking "shoreses"!CC: one day buoy? eel convert you. you'll sea and understand the fun of puns. nautical puns.EB: what do you want, cuz?CC: RUD-E 3>8(EB: look cuz, it's my birthday. i've gotta hang out with my family, open presents, make sure poppop isn't dead yet.CC: don't shellin' joke about that.EB: right! sorry! poppop has been making morbid jokes like that all morning! rubs off on ya, you know?EB: but yeah, on top of everything i just listed, i also have a gladitorial match to host between krabby patty and robo-coolkid!
EB: just waiting on both of them to accept my trollian memo invites! who knows! maybe we can get some small temporal shenanigans going!CC: that feature almost never works, and when it does, its nofin but bullfish stable timeloops.
CC: it's a failed military experiment turned commercial product and it shows.EB: let me dream, damn you!CC: but yeah, cloudfishes already showed me y'all have already been d-eelin' with temporal shit, and yer just tryin' ta set me up for a surprise.
CC: trust me, this shit's gonna go baluga up...EB: ah yes, your bullshit magic troll clouds that let you, to quote tfs, "SEE THE FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUURRRRRRRREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
EB: but yeah, busy busy bee! plenty of irons in the fiiiiiiiire!CC: oh cod, are you hangin' with spiderbitchbot again?!EB: need to be specific cuz. we know two spiderbitchebots!CC: no we don't! you talk to spiderbitch! my spiderbot is wonderful, bay-utiful, PUR-E )(_EARTED!
CC: and if I could ever get her a reel troll (or humanatee) body, i would ray-vage every inch of her body so hard it'd make asanagi mangas look tame!EB: holy shit cuz, tmi!CC: not my fault humanatees has such pitifully low libidos!EB: what do you want?!CC: you got da game yet?!EB: don't know! haven't check the gifts downstairs yet, or the mailbox for that matter.
EB: hopefully mail lady is the one who delivers it! is always cool when there's a small green sun in your front yard for a split second.
EB: only to reveal the most stupidly overpowered mail lady in the universe!
EB: you can sense her happy smile, even if her stark white anubis head has no face at all!CC: your overpowered t-eel-aporting faceless dog lady seems to make herself a shell of a lot more useful
CC: than shore stupid, fat salamander! -Eel he ever does is blowfish up the occasion-eel asteroid and shellin' sleepin' on that green moon of his.
CC: shell, even your evil black ray sounds more useful than ours. or at least cooler!
CC: -Evil faceless wolf man blowfishin' up whole armies at random throughout human history.
CC: all our 8-ball headed basshole does is sits (and acts) smugly on the pink moon and simply SHRIMPLY he's done some evil shit to us at some point!
CC: A)()()( S)(-ELL! NOT AGAIN! EB: what?
CC: FUCKIN' GRI-EF-ERS!EB: aw damn! which one is it this time? is it one of the ineffectual ones like guaranteedConsensus?
EB: seriously only consider that dude a griefer because he just won't drop the transdimensional god schtick that group of dunderheads are obsessed with.
EB: or is it one of the actually effective one like genuineAltruism?CC: if -EV-ER there was a screenname that was a shellin' lie, that's one! never met a crueler beach than her!EB: seriously! even murder happy throneAquisition at least has that whole "you did good kid" respect thing when you match wits with him.
EB: like nic cage from con air! a violent man with a heart of gold buried deep within!
EB: GA makes me feel like i'm dealin' with a molester!CC: none of those beaches. it's assumedAscension!EB: you poor beach...
EB: oh finally! krabby and coolkid are on! time to see if i can get them on a pale date so that crab-ass will stop flirting with me!CC: beach you don't force that sorta thing.
CC: but yeah, sea ya later blue buoy!EB: wait!CC: water you want now beach?EB: thanks for the stupidly expensive birthday card! i love it!CC: )(eh! no prob! )(appy birthday blue bouy!-- cachinnoChef [CC] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:20 -- Brief run-down on how Commands work. ==->: Either audience Command or Commandless. >: Command put in by Techno the Writing Pony Ass, aka my Ponysona, aka my author's avatar, aka me. >>: Exile Commands.
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 18, 2019 7:21:02 GMT
==-> John, speak/type with the cool kid.
A bit late to be choosy because you already set up the TROLLIAN MEMO, both KRABBY PATTY and ROBO-COOLKID have accepted your MEMO INVITES in order to fight in GLORIOUS INTERNET GLADITORIAL COMBAT for your hand in BROHOOD! Only one of them will earn the HONOR of being your ONE TRUE BEST BRO, and the other will have to settle on "DANG CLOSE CHUM"! (Obviously none of this is binding; HUMAN AND TROLL EMOTIONS and STUFF ain't shit to be left to INTERNET BLOODSPORTS! Doesn't mean you won't use the results of all this to give these two shit, and play a few CHOICE PRANKS, in the future!) With everything set, it's time for you to, as they say in the biz, get this show on the--- OH SHIT WHERE ARE WE NOW?! WHO ARE THESE GLADOS WANNABES?!
>On a server in HANOI...
 THIS IS WHAT JOHN CONNOR FOUGHT TO PREVENT!
THIS IS WHAT THE WACHOWSKIS PLEASURE THEMSELVES TO! Welcome to the DAVE CAVE! There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill up your (and your NON-MEATBAG FRIENDS) complex. Each and every nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles was devoted to one purpose: to generate this one meme infested matrix rip-off of ashitty image that now graces the screen in all of it's IRONICALLY SO SHITTY THAT IT GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND TO SUBLIME glory! ... Yeah Okay, maybe your COMPLEX isn't quite that... well, COMPLEX. There is no way a bunch of UNREGISTERED AI like you and your PACK of DIGITAL DEGENERATES could have gotten away with shipping that much material into VIETNAM without EVERY NATION on EARTH scrambling everything to SHUT YOU DOWN. Hell, the UISA might even risk KILLING A GOLD BLOOD to bring the BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION to 100% FULLY OPERATIONAL status to just GLASS THE WHOLE REGION from ORBIT! As for why you're here? Why, to prevent the upcoming MEMO from coming off as COMPLETELY UNNATURAL in the way no one refers to each other by NAME due to MSPA CONVENTIONS! Dave will be your TEMPORARY HOST for this LIGHTNING INTRODUCTION EXTRAVAGANZA: ARTIFICIAL BOYS AND GIRLS EDITION! Every bozo currently FREELOADING in your CAVE OF MEMES (that is, your PERSONAL SERVER, essentially your HOUSE) will get an INTRODUCTION! "WHAT'S THAT?" you ask. "The SHITTY EFFECTS all piled on top of each other is hurthing the AUDIENCE'S EYES? Say no more! Dave Strider has got you covered, bro!" *Pap Pap* ... And yes, that was your introduction. Your NAME is DAVE STRIDER, #1 COOLKID yadda ydda yadda... And your PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is turntechGodhead and "by digital god do you love to go on and on cause you're so damn rad that ain't no one out there can possibly get sick of hearing your sick tones and equally sick beats!"
==->
 There! You said you'd take care of the AUDIENCE and by God you did! You treated them with such TENDERNESS that even the gentlest of BREASTFEEDING MOTHERS look like HORRIBLE, SAVAGE and VIOLENT ORCS by comparison. And not the cool, HONORABLE and/or COMEDIC ORCs of WESTERN MEDIA. Nah, you're talking about the FUGLY PIG-FACED RAPIST ORCS from HENTAI and other such CHINESE CARTOONS and EAST ALTERNIAN SCRIBBLES. CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES are on their way right now to save all those BABIES from their BRUTISH MOTHERS and into your LOVING EMBRACE. You are the TENDEREST of MOTHER HENS. It is you. ... But yeah, you're keeping the SHITTY VHS EFFECT. Like Hell are you gonna pass up that bit of MATRIX THEMING.
>BEGIN: LIGHTNING INTRODUCTION EXTRAVAGANZA: ARTIFICIAL BOYS AND GIRLS EDITION!
To start, it should be noted that due to the.... BIZARRE CIRCUMSTANCES of your CREATION and the ESOTERIC GENERATION ALGORITHMS used by your CREATORS, SKAIANET, you and your cohorts were all born with your names. Even if it makes absolutely NO SENSE for you or your FRIENDS to have those names. Hell, there's a PEIXES and a VANTAS in your group. The FORMER (nice gil that she may be) sure as Hell ain't gonna be inheriting any IMPERIAL THRONES anytime soon, and like HELL is the LATTER saving anyone's SOULS or OVERTHROWING ANY EMPIRES, unless it's by boring them to death with his ENDLESS LECTURES! But those two will get their INTRODUCTIONS at a latter date. Time to get this SHITSHOW on the ROAD! You, the RAD DUDE front and center there, have already introduced yourself, so let's move on! To your left, wearing that SEXY NUMBER that unfortunately kinda blends right into the SHITTY MATRIX THEME, is the lovely JADE HARLEY! She acts all sweet and innocent, and she ain't acting on the SWEET FRONT! And HELL, if your weird on and off DATING/CASUAL CYBERSEX THING (or is that just plain old sex, considering the whole AI THING?) has told you anything, she may not even really be faking on the INNOCENT part. She honestly doesn't seem to get why everyone is so weirded out by her PERSONAL SERVER (which is 60% FETISH FURRY PORN, 40% scientific research so esoteric it borders on the ELDRITCH and POST-SINGULARITY, and 100% WTF). Her PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is gardenGnostic and "shes very excited to meet you!  "In the back there, also to your left, is a fashionable young lady wearing simply the most.... fasionable? Winter stuff? You don't know, fashion ain't your thing, so you can't be arsed to search up the proper terminology, AI POWERS be damned. Either way, the FLIGHTY BROAD back there is looking over one of your MASTERPIECES of IRONY (for that is the only description suitable for the ABSOLUTE TREASURE that is SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF) with the CRITICAL EYE of an AMATEUR THERAPIST. You think it's the one about SWEET BRO fucking HELLA JEFF'S MOM. She'll come and ask you if this at all reflects upon your own FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. You'll tell her you don't have one because you were literally made in a R&D LABORATORY. Same one she was cooked up in. Fancy that. Her name is ROSE LALONDE by the way. Her PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is tentacleTherapist and "She simply cannot wait to dissect your every thought and feeling down to the last stray dream cigar."
==->
And whose that poor fuck getting stalked out there in the back by the creeper behind the TROLLIAN TEMPORAL CONTROL PANEL THINGY that none of you have ever been ABLE TO GET TO WORK CONSISTENTLY? Why, it's LARA CROFT after she had an IDENTITY CRISIS and decided that "she" actually was a "he" all this time... and then proceeded to upload his mind into a SKAIANET COMPUTER. But nah, that there is JAKE ENGLISH, and he's always armed and ready to go on any ADVENTURE... except the SOCIAL ONES. He is an absolute failure at COMMUNICATION, and while it can sometimes be ADORKABLE, often it's just DISASTROUS. His PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is golgothasTerror and "He can't wait to have a bloody good ol' time adventuring with his tip top best mates in the WHOLE BLIGHTIN' WORLD!"And just who is that CREEPER trying to get PANTY SHOTS of JAKE anyways? What's his creepy ass deal? DIRK STRIDER at your service... when it serves his ENDS at least. See, this guy is like both a 2.0, superior version of you... and the BETA version of you that is so up in his gils in bugs and glitches that even TODD HOWARD is telling his DEVS to get their shit together, seriously you're embarrassing yourselves and the whole industry. Both simuntaneously, as if by some grand act of DIVINE IRONY. When it comes to the whole IRONY and ART and TECHNOLOGY shtick, you are but the learner to his PIMPIN', SEAGULL KILLIN' YODA. When it comes to being a functional member of AI SOCIETY (and MEATBAG SOCIETY at that; you and the rest tend to leave him in HANOI during most of your escapades for a reason)? Well, seriously. Look at him. He looks about ready to raid JAKE'S PANTY DRAWER. He's still your BRO though, if not in the way JOHN PEIXES is your BEST BRO though; more like the closest thing an AI gets to a BIOLOGICAL SIBLING due to all the SHARED CODE and the FAMILY NAME, and he is a far sight better than the "SUPERIOR" version of him sitting pretty in the RUINS OF CHICAGO. You sometimes catch him gazing out at the STARS using JADE'S OBSERVATORY SUITE, with a far off look on his face, a mix of confusion and concentration and guilt. As if he were trying to remember some GREAT SIN he committed... Bah, enough of the heavy shit! His PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is timaeusTestified and "He sure as Hell ain't got time for you, so just ride on out of here on the pony you rode in on, and you better bring that mare to orgasm or bro? You're a disappointment to Pony Fuckers the world over..."And who is the suave as fuck looking sneaky DICK TRACY hiding behind the PESTERCHUM ICON like a goddamn 1930's BOOTLEGGING NINJA (infamous clan that; never were their drunken NINJUTSU ever truly beaten! No, it was their tax violations that brought them low)? Surely he must be the most HARD-BOILED PI that the BRONX ever shat out, with a whole HAREM of BEAUTIFUL CLUB GIRLS who can sing with the VOICES OF ANGELS despite the LUNG CANCER from all that CHAIN SMOKING. What's this?! That's not a "he" at all?! By God... It's like a Trap, but for people like DIRK instead of the AVERAGE WEEB. Same CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT upon removal of pants either way. This deceptive young lass is named JANE CROCKER! Her PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is gutsyGumshoe and "She finds you bunch of rowdy rapscallions quite charming indeed >:B!"
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 18, 2019 7:35:38 GMT
==->
 The Prince of Time lays a path of destruction in her wake and against her Will, chained and collared literally and metaphysically by the Will of another, to a vassal Lord of the King of Doom. A Timeline was Doomed. Let's see how this effects our poor author...
>BEGIN: ACT 1 INTERMISSION 1.
>A1I1
 Well this is rather embarrasing! Seems I'm having a few potential technical issues! A swear, the shit Dirk, Ultimate Dirk, Weeaboo Bro, whatever left me sucks! Not helping matters is that our local Prince of Time is all Brainwashed and Crazy and Dooming Timelines left and right! This time she did it to a Timeline relatively "close" to us, as far as Space base terminology can apply here! Bit more than you think actually, seeing as we ARE dealing with a Prince! The feedback from all that does to Narrative Tuned tech what a woman of even marginal attractiveness and some blow does to Bill Clinton's marital fidelity! Seriously, this is the problem with Time Travel stories! Bitch won't be introduced until AFTER the Scratch, and that won't be for hundreds if not THOUSANDS of pages from now! And yet there she is, causing me problems Why don't my smoking hot and highly fuckable assistants entertain you while I get these damn machines to work!  OH GOG TH1S 1S SO D3GR4D1NG...I don't know, I find this rather fun! If it was Kanaya giving the orders, I confess that I would very much resemble a broken dam!
>A1I1
And bang that with a wrench three times, Ratchet & Clank style, AAAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDD...... ... Voila! We're back in business ladies! You can put your clothes back on, we've got kids and AIs to torture! OH TH4NK GOG TH4T'S OV3R!Hey! You're the one who owned those clothes! I didn't buy that for you, so don't try to put all this on MY adorable, fuzzy head! I said "Terezi, wear something sexy!" and you were like "WHY WOULD 1 DO TH4T?" and I was like "Because I'm your boss and I have a MISSION FROM GOD!" and that was that!
1'M R3GR3TT1NG 3V3R S1GN1NG TH4T CONTR4CT... 1 BOUGHT TH4T FOR JOHN 4ND VR1SK4, YOU J4CK4SS!You bought that for an immature AI and a 16 year old boy? I mean, I guess age of consent doesn't apply to AI, and 16 is (horny and barely) legal in most of the world. Just don't advertise your teen lust though, or the Twitter Mobs will demand blood.
44444444HHHHHHHHHH!!!!! YOU KNOW WH4T 1 FUCK1NG M34NT, YOU FUCK!!!!I hate to be the bearer of bad news... At least those dissociated with someones mental health, as "bad news" in that arena means more business and a proper challenge for me. That is, I actually get to have fun. Normal bad news is both tedious and inconvenient for me...Get to the point, Sugerrump.
It seems that we cannot get back to, as you put it, "torturing kids and AI" quite yet. It seems that Dirks equipment needs a full reboot before the repair sequence is completed. Something about the central computer concocting a suite of firmware and software updates for all ship systems to prevent problems like these from occurring in the future.... I will be sure to torture AI!Dirk especially badly, out of spite over how shit-tier all his "Ultimate Self's" tech is! Bah! Might as well inform the audience of our particular situation then! It will probably be relevant sometime in the future.
I get the nagging feeling that it will become relevant sooner than thought...Y34H...How ominous and uninformative...
>A1I1
 So yeah, there we are! In orbit around the planet, in a certain Prince's highly modified star cruiser, that will one day be known as Equis and bare host to a magical kingdom called Equestria! Only about a few thousand years after Ultimate Dork found it though. Wondering where he is? after all, as he himself said, he chipped away at this planet for MILLIONS of years, not just a few thousand! Besides that, I only got a hold of this beauty AFTER he got all of his hopes and dreams burnt to cinders by the King of Doom, 4.13 million years, 708 hours from now exactly! Simple; this baby can time travel! It's how Dirk and his cohort (now my interns) were able to fuck with this world for literal eons while being chased across the Universe by Kanaya and her party. Basically, whenever the heroes happen to find this world, Dirk would just time travel out of that era. Throws off their Space Aspect based radar system to boot, who would then lead them on a goose chase for another time traveling instance of the ship elsewhere in this galaxy. No better bait then what they actually want, right? Now, why does this whole Star System (and it still is a proper Star System; Dorky hadn't made the joint geocentric yet) look like it's trippin' balls and forgetting to to pay child support? Is Lord English Already Here?! Is he gonna "FIRIN' MAH LAZAR, BLUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" up the place?! Nah fam, we're still in Universe C, one of the of the few places the Lord is barred from in all of Paradox Space. So why then? Two reasons! One, The Dork Knight (Prince) is currently bombarding the whole place with radiation from the Medium, that is, he's bombarding the place with Aspect energy. In order to "gift" the residents with magic. The other reason? Let us just say that the Knight of Blood and the Boss of Blood will make a great sacrifice to protect and hopefully resurrect this land... There's a reason the Knight of our era is blind. Or will become so... ... Well, enough about that! What else should I lecture y'all in?! Should I give a run-down of all the relevant Ancestors in the Alternia of Leaderstuck?! How about the history of the United Imperial States of America?! A refresher course on the intricacies of Troll Romance? WAIT, I KNOW! Hybrids and Hybridizers! Yeah, that'll work! It's the unique "stupidly complex system meant to be this comics version of Troll Romance" thing I've got cooking, and it's time to capitalize! ROSE! TEREZI! BUST OUT THE POWERPOINTS! WE'VE GOT HYBRID SEXUALITY TO EXPLAIN!
>A1I1
Remember how you asked me to remind you when you are getting too excited and started excessively world-building, boss? In order to avoid a repeat of "College Level History Professor John Peixes"? Well, you're doing it again. Some of that information would spoil a few key reveals during the other Peixes' introductory section.... Ah. Right. Thanks, Sugerrump. You are very welcome! Also, I have some good news and some bad news.Oh? Hit me--- AND NO, I DON'T MEAN LITERALLY TEREZI!!!
Good news is, the updates are complete. We may once again intrude upon the lives of a distressingly large number of kids and AI far in the future and many Genesis Frogs away.Awesome news! What's the bad news? K4N4Y4'S P4RTY 1S ONLY 4N HOUR 4W4Y FROM 3NT3R1NG TH3 SYST3M, F4R 34RL13R TH4N 4NT1C1P4T3D.
WHAT?! HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN SOON, BUT WE AIN'T READY FOR THEM YET!
DO SOM3 N4RR4T1V3 M4N1PUL4T1ONS TO THROW TH3M OFF OUR SC3NT.Right right... Uhhhh.... Before they enter the system, they detect an alien armada of the most pulpy and vicious sort invading and attempting to enslave a bunch of innocent natives in a nearby system. Heroic souls that they are, Kanaya's group of scrappy Gods and Godlings detour to stop the Goa'uld Empire from enslaving the peaceful hippy Lumenarians! There! That will buy us some time! R3M1N3R TH4T W1TH PR1NC3SS BR41NW4SH3D DOOM1NG TH3 N34R3ST T1M3L1N3S TO OUR "LOC4T1ON" BOSS, YOU'R3 GONN4 F1LL 1N A F3W G4PS 1N C4S4UL1TY 4ND TH3 N4RR4T1V3.So basically, I've just gotten a metanarrative justification for all these rewrites I've been doing? SWEET! I'll forgive the dear Princess for her completely unintentional destruction of my equipment. Dirk shall receive no such mercy! Now, let's get this show, once again, on the road!
>END OF ACT 1 INTERMISSION 1
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 Yeah, fuck you too Dirk.
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 18, 2019 7:46:42 GMT
>Dave: Let's do this Memo thing! We're doing it man! We're making this happen!
 PAST ectoBiologist [PEB] 1:00 HOUR Ago opened invite only transtimeline bulletin board NOW HEAR THIS! BY INVITATION OF THE IMPERIAL PRINCE, COME ONE, COME ALL, TO THE BRO GAMES! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PEB 1:00 HOUR AGO opened memo on board NOW HEAR THIS! BY INVITATION OF THE IMPERIAL PRINCE, COME ONE, COME ALL, TO THE BRO GAMES! PEB: THIS IS EASILY THE MOST ARBITRARY TIMELOOP I HAVE EVER HAD TO CLOSE. I MEAN. WHAT THE HELL KID? I JuST HAD TO EVACuATE A DOOMED TIMELINE. ALL BECAuSE YOuR STuPID. FuCKING COMPuTER DECIDED TO GENERATE A TIMELOOP. SOMEHOW. BY ITSELF. PRETTY SuRE SKAIA SHAT THIS ONE OuT TO INTRODuCE THE CONCEPT OF DOOMED TIMELINES TO NEW PLAYERS. LIKE THE SHITTIEST. DEADLIEST TuTORIAL EVER. WHY DID I EVER VENERATE THAT BIG. BLuE. BITCH? WELL. THIS FuCKING SHIT IS SOLVED. I'M OFF. SEEYA. SPACE COWBOY.PEB banned PEB from responding to memo. CURRENT abatedTestosterone [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CAT: OH DEAR... THIS REALLY SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING TO THESE POOR KIDS QUITE THIS EARLY INTO THE GAME... PAST tacticalTurncoat [PTT] 2:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo. PTT:  Hohoho! What's this now kid? seems the shenanigans have already begun for you and your fleshy cohort!
PTT: And early too! Kid, you poor dumb sack a crap, I have but one bit of advice for you.
PTT: Buckle up and keep your hands and other extremities within the moving vehicle. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. And spoiler alert?
PTT: The Ride ain't ending anytime soon... FUTURE cucumberConnoisseur [FCC] 5:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FCC: perchance... is this... the conversation?
FCC: that currently has our "#1 whip girl"... in such a fugue...?CAT: IF MY VISIONS ARE CORRECT, I THINK SO?
CAT: I DO WANT TO NOTE THOUGH, THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHALL HAPPEN IN THE MEMO ITSELF.
CAT: ONLY THAT SHE LEAVES HER COMPUTER IN AN APPARENT DAZE UPON IT'S CLOSING.PAST ghostlyTrickster [PGT} 0:07 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. PGT: oh what the hell?
PGT: of all the times for the temporal bullshit feature to actually work...
PGT: it had to be when I simply wanted to use this app as JUST a normal, non-timebending chat client.
PGT: and somehow, you guys always seem to be involved whenever the weird time shit actually works as advertised.
PGT: and whoever past EEB is... did I black out again? whenever i do, my dad always has this sad look on his face and has to clean my room.
PGT: but yeah, past eb banned themselves, and i'm stuck using this old account for apparently 7 minutes.
PGT: eeeeeeeerrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!PTT: Wow kid... that's just sad... got a single tear running down my hard boiled face.
PTT: Don't you see it? It's so cinematic, especially with the right lighting.
PTT: Word to the wise? Check your security tapes for your room from around an hour ago your time. And don't play coy; you're a potential heir.
PTT: Of course you have them. PGT: you know what i also have? admin privileges.PGT banned PTT from responding to memo. PGT: but seriously, why the hell am i past gt? memo started around now... i think?CAT: THE PAST IS ALWAYS SOMEONES PRESENT.PGT: baaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!CAT: BUT YOU ARE CORRECT, YOU SHOULD BE WHAT THE CLIENT CONSIDERS THE "PRESENT" AS FAR IT'S PROGRAMMING IS CONCERNED.
CAT: I SUSPECT THAT THE PROGRAM GLITCHED DUE TO YOUR AI FRIENDS INTERACTING WITH IT.
CAT: IT SEEMS TO BE TREATING DAVE'S ENTRY INTO THE MEMO AS IT'S RELATIVE "PRESENT".PGT: whatever gonna set things up now.
PGT: *the royal coliseum is prepared. the imperial prince is comfortable ensconced within the imperial booth, surrounded by mountain dew and doritos*
PGT: *the crowd of peasants all have nic cage's face. they all cheer their native cheer*
PGT: *"put the bunny back in the box!" they cheer. the prince raises his hand for silence*
PGT: *after the prince puts the bunny back in the box, silence was had*
PGT: the rules are simple, knight karkat and knight dave. only the winner shall have my hand in brohood.
PGT: the other will only be a "very good chum".
PGT: that is all.
PGT stopped responding to the memo. CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG} RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CTG: *the manliest motherfucker to ever stand atop a pile of corpse with a princess uncomfortably dangling from his leg walks into this lame joint*
CTG: *lame except for the heir of course. even this manly dude doesn't want to spark a fight with the heir.*
CTG: *one because they're bros, but also because while his dick may be raging enough to take on the heir's whole threshicutioner corps, it'd be a cinematically close thing*
CTG: *it take a whole movie and/or novel to cover, and frankly this manly dude has better things to do*
CTG: *like be the best bro of the imperial heir, and being the manliest thing out there since god made the sixteen wheeler*
CTG: *doesn't matter that he might as well be wearing a male c string, and his package delivery leaves absolutely no room for the imagination*
CTG: *he's quite obviously jewish and makes a mean bagel in new york*
CTG: *slap enough spiky metal on a dude and give him a big enough fucking axe, fuck enough chicks*
CTG: *and he gets to keep his man card regardless of how he packs his package*
CTG: and now that that's all out of the way, what the hell happened here? shit seems filthy with griefers.
CTG: though mostly the nice ones, except gentleman turncoat.
CTG: seriously, what kinda idiot pulls for a screenname like that?
CTG: just screams "i'm gonna suavely but firmly stab everyone i profess to love in the back at the first possible convenience."
CTG: also you apparently got possessed by the ghost of the vietnam killer?
CTG: hows it feel john, being possessed by the ghost of the most unwilling american hero out there?CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CCG: YEAH, I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON MYSELF.
CCG: THAT SAID, I DOUBT THAT JOHN GOT POSSESSED BY THE GHOST OF FUCKING CALIBORN.
CCG: EVEN IF JOHN'S HEAD IS EMPTY ENOUGH FOR EASY POSSESSION, SO IF CALIBORN'S GHOST WAS GONNA US ANYONE AS HIS PERSONAL FUCKING MEAT ROBOT...CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CEB: hey! you're losing a lot of bro points here!CCG: BUT AS FUCKED UP AS IT IS THAT JOHN MIGHT HAVE A STALKER BREAKING IN ON HIS BIRTHDAY TO FUCK WITH HIS COMPUTER...
CCG: (AND YES, SOCIOPATHIC GRIEFER DOUCHEBAG THAT HE MAY BE, "GENTLEMAN TURNCOAT'S" ADVICE IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD FOLLOW PEIXES; CHECK THOSE FUCKING VIDEOS)
CCG: CALIBORN IMPERSONATORS ARE SO FUCKING COMMON THAT THEY'RE PUTTING ELVIS AND CHIXIE IMPERSONATORS OUT OF BUSINESS.CTG: a moment of silence for all those poor, out of work fucks, having to sell their fake pompadours and oversized sweaters to make ends meet....CCG: BUT YEAH, THE AMOUNT OF SALVAGED BEFORAN NANITES USED TO CONTAIN HIM AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE VIETNAM WAR? BITCH IS GONE.
CCG: BUT I CAN SEE WHY YOUR ROTTED THINKPAN WOULD THINK THAT DAVE.
CCG: OR I GUESS IN THIS CASE WOULD IT BE ROTTED CPU?CTG: i dunno, me and my butt buddies are shaking in his old digs...CEB: so... about winning my dainty hand in holy brohood?CTG: *that manliest of men suddenly turned upon that tiny, puny girly troll the just walked into the arena.*
CTG: *towering over the grey little turd nugget, this manliest of men shakes his package not twice, not thrice, but a mere solitary time*
CTG: *that was enough. every nic cage peasant in the direction of the rooster shake all simultaneously make the face and noise from face off*
CTG: *while grabbing each others choice middle aged asses*
CTG: *you know the scene. the one with the suspiciously sexy choir girls*CCG: YEAH, NO, I'M NOT FUCKING DOING THIS.
CCG: JOHN, YOU KNOW I DON'T DO THIS "BRO" SHIT. IT'S TO TROLLS WHAT "FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS" ARE TO... WELL, EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING GALAXY I GUESS!
CCG: EITHER NUT UP AND GET IN A FUCKING QUADRANT, OR ACCEPT MY MERE FRIENDSHIP.CEB: well, guess there you have it! krabby patty has formally forfeited my hand in brohood to coolkid dave strider! CTG: *this manly fuck smiles confidently, knowing this was a forgone conclusion*
CTG: *however, just because the puny grey degenerate that would make even smeagol feel like a goddamn ubermench by comparison gave up before there was even a fight*
CTG: *doesn't mean this man will leave his bro no demonstrations of his brohood*
CTG *behold, the gift of FRIENDS!*CURRENT cacchinoChef [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo. CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG2] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo. CURRENT golgothasTerror [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CURRENT timaeusTestified [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CURRENT gutsyGumshoe [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG2] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT2] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CCC: and if my cloudfishies be right, 3... 2... 1...PAST throneAcquisition [PTA] 4:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo. PTA: AND I'M HERE TOO BITCHES!!!!CEB: and apparently you're the parent/teacher's association. also, youre banned!CEB bans PTA from responding to memo. FUTURE throneAcquisition [FTA] 10:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FTA: Past me, I know you're still reading this you sniveling little shitweasel!
FTA: And guess what you disgusting fuck?!CAT: OH DEAR... I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK THAT I, THE SEER OF TIME, BEING HERE IS ONLY EXACERBATING THESE TEMPORAL TROLLIAN TRIBULATIONS...FTA: After the... really fucked up way this memo ends, and because you were still sore about being booted outta the memo.
FTA: Like a fucking welpling either just decanted or born just an hour ago and not 130 cycles ago!
FTA: You decide "You know what I should really do? I should try to kill Weepy Doom Boy's psychotic, universe killing, DEMONIC EVIL CLONE!"
FTA: FUCKING GENIUS... WAY TO GET CORPSES!
FTA: Which, by the by, we have!
FTA: Now, before I get the boot as well, I got one thing to say.
FTA: Krab kid? You're gonna win this thing. Epically.CEB banned FTA from responding to memo. CEB: how did he post the all so fast?CTT2: Probably the temporal shenanigans that seems to have infected this particular memo, ever since a Caliborn impersonator,
CTT2: after stealing work from good and hardworking Elvis and Chixie impersonators, decided to preform a B&E on dear John's residence.CTG2: ROZIY!!1!!
CTG2: *rozey
CTG2: *ROSEY.
CTG2: *fuk yea got it n 3!
CTG2: howz mi digisistah doin? got any huny digiguys digi workin y over?
CTG2: *hunky.CTT2: Hello fellow Lalonde, I am doing quite well. While I have found no "digital hunks" to work me over.
CTT2: I may have found a digital babe to do so instead. I do believe a certain digital Jade Blood and I are on our way to becoming a proper item!CTG2: FUCK YAH SISTAH FROM A DIGITAL MISTAH! hell, yah likly just mah sistah flat out, what with how u describe you generation.
CTG2: *yore
CTG2: *youre
CTG2: *your fuck mah life.CTT2: I'd remind you that while it is certainly possible that it was brainscan from your family that cause me to generate with the last name of Lalonde.
CTT2: I caution against jumping to assumptions. There are no records of any of your family receiving brainscans from Skaianet.CTT: Not that that fucking matter. What we know of "Project Ectoneurology" is that it somehow involved tech that can crab genetic material from anywhere in the whole damn world.
CTT: And those mad scientist fucks decided to convert that tech towards tele-brainscanning people.CTG: so being the creeper fucks that they almost certainly are, getting no action in high school.
CTG: they probably photographed her brain while she was showering. getting her ass oogled by perverts in hanoi.CTG2: DIRKY! DAVEY! *hugz*CGG: Well, what am I? Chopped liver? :BCTG2: NOP! ur choped smexy! *pulls her digibff janey into group hug, pullin in roz as well*
CTG2: *rose.CGG: While I'd rather be chopped smexy instead of chopped liver, neither option sounds particularly appealing, Miss Bio-Lalonde. XB
CGG: I'm chopped up either way, but at least I'm easy on the eyes your way! >:BCGT: Hey lass! What of us poor damsels, bloody rottin' over here?CGG2: yeah! D:<CTG2: *pulls in the glasses botz* love u dorkz 2, jake n jade!1!CCC: )(eh! )(ere we sea the lalonde in her natural halibutate! covered in digital beaches!CTG2: *pullz fih bitc into pile of digibitchs. pullz in jon and krab az wel*
CTG2: *fish bitchCCC: ... yeah, wash kinda askin for this.CTT: Though I'm very curious what the hell happened to the code of this memo? I'm lookin' at this fried up shit and ho shit!
CTT: If Lovecraft was a programmer? Well, it doesn't have enough allusions to the n word, but it would look something like what I'm looking at.CGG2: AT already explained that though? It was us AI interacting with the client?CTT: Yeah. no. That explains why the client decided to designate Dave's entry as it's relative "present, forcing John to use his old account until Dave joined.
CTT: But what it doesn't explain, Jade, is how this program bootstrapped a fucking stable timeloop all on it's lonesome.CAT: MY PRESENCE HERE, AS A GODDESS OF TIME, MAY HAVE CAUSED THOSE ISSUES.CTT: Your stubborn insistence on being the obscure Gods of ancient Alternian woolbeast herders has passed from annoying and into fucking admirable.CTT2: The Skaian Pantheon is not THAT obscure. SBURB seems based upon it, at least from what I've seen of it's code, and even John knows of them!CEB: heeeeeeeey!!!!!!!!CAT: WE ARE THE GODS OF THE WHOLE UNIVERSE ACTUALLY, THOUGH THE FACT THAT ANYONE BASED THEIR MYTHS UPON US IS ASTOUNDING, SEEING AS WE WERE DENIED THE ULTIMATE REWARD.
CAT: WE ASSUME IT'S BECAUSE WE ALL GOD TIERED, A RARITY FOR SESSIONS OF THE GAME APPARENTLY.CCC: yeah... nubs? the time and my cloudfishes are tellin' me you're gonna haveta do your part now? shits about to get nasty soon, so win this fin already!
CCC: cloudfishies got yer halibut!CCG: AH YES, YOUR WEIRD, FUTURE SEEING PSIONIC CLOUDS! THE ONES THAT YOU DREAM OF, ALONG WITH A FUCKING PLANET OF GOLD AND SHITTY CHESS PEOPLE!CAT: THAT BIT STILL WEIRDS ME OUT. I KNOW OUR SESSION WASN'T THE NORM AT ALL, NOT IN THE LEAST IN FACT, BUT STILL...CCG: BUT YEAH, WHILE I DON'T BELIEVE IN "BEST BROS", AT LEAST NOT AS FAR AS TROLL RELATIONSHIPS ARE CONCERNED.
CCG: I SURE AS HELL AIN'T LETTING LITERAL FUCKING LASER BRAINS HERE HAVE THE HONOR!
CCG: *THE LITTLE SHIT LOOKS LIKE HE'S RUNNING AWAY AT FIRST, BUT HE'S REALLY JUST GOING TO GET EQUIPMENT*
CCG: *WHEN HE GETS BACK, HE'S FUCKING DRAGGING A CRUCIFIX UPON HIS BACK. DANGLING FROM SAID CRUCIFIX AND A PAIR OF SUPERHEATED SHACKLES*
CCG: THE SHACKLES FORM MY SIGN OF COURSE*
CCG: I SET EVERYTHING UP, AND SMILES AT JOHN THE TENDEREST, MOST MAGNANIMOUS AND FUCKING SMILE DIVINITY CAN PRODUCE*
CCG: "BRO, I'LL DO IT ALL FOR YOU! I'M APPARENTLY THE THIRD COMING OF GOD, AND I JUST CAME THREE TIMES FOR YOU BABE!"CAT: OH MY...CTT: Holy shit Dave, I think you just got obliterated...CGT: I bloody well rightly have to agree chum. Vantas gave you a proper right whollopin' there, Dave!CTT2: No contest. He literally embodied the archetype of Christ figure there in vying for you hand in brohood, john.CGG2: karkat is willing to die on the cross for john's PLATONIC friendship, but you won't even use a wolf avatar to get in my panties dave >:/CTG: we really doin this jade?CGG: What a wonderfully rambunctious rebuttal from Mister Vantas there! Really put the hurt to our dear Strider!CTG2: go team meetbagz!!1!!
CTG2: *meatbgz.
CTG2: *meatbags.CCC: CLOUDFIS)( N-EVA)( LI-E, B-EACH-ES!!!!FUTURE genuineAltruism [FGA] 4:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FGA: I admit! I was aroused! He even comes with his own bondage gear! now we just gotta work on those muscles, or more accurately lack thereof. The fact that your two species don't develop form obscuring chitin is why I find you all so delicious...CEB: well, that cinches it!
CEB: my best bro is now: vantas!
CEB: though ive gotta say, that seemed to get kinda steamy! sure you two arent interested in each other more than little ol me?CCG: FIRSTLY, HOW THE HELL ARE YOU NOT ON SOME SORT OF FUCKING LIST, "GENUINEALTRUISM"?!FGA: Who says I'm not? I find that men love a bad girl they have to tame... Though to be clear, "Sex Offender" isn't one of the many lists I'm on. CCG: SECONDLY, HOLY SHIT PEIXES, ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO PAWN MY APPARENTLY DIVINELY CRAFTED GREY ASS OFF TO FUCKING STRIDER?!
CCG: YOU DO REALIZE THAT WOULD ONLY FILL ONE QUADRANT ANYWAYS? I'D STILL HAVE OTHER QUADRANTS TO PURSUE YOU IN, SO YOU WOULDN'T BE FUCKING "SAFE", "BRO"!CTG: aren't you vantases fucking famous for "trancending the quadrants" or some shit?
CTG: which is treated as this completely mythical thing
CTG: because apparently having multiple emotional connections overlapping each other for a single person is some biblical task likened to parting the red sea
CTG: or the vast expletive
CTG: that only jesus christ 2.0: grey alien hottie edition or unstoppable world conquerors can do.CCG: THAT'S A FUCKING MYTH AND YOU KNOW IT STRIDER!CTG: obviously. emotions are always neatly compartmentalized as we all know. shits tidier than than the house of someone with ocd out the ass.CCG: THAT'S CALLED VACILLATION, YOU ASS! WE'VE ALREADY HAD THIS DUMB DISCUSSION HUNDREDS OF TIMES!CTG: you smell that? smells like bullshit buzzwords. like "live services", "surprise mechanics" or "nanosexual"CCG: YOU CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE PIECE OF DIGITIZED FUCK!CCC: and everyfin goes to shell in...CTT: To be fair Vantas, my bro has been getting better in that department.
CTT: He's no longer claiming that "kismesitude" and "moiralligence" are not real emotions and not just the results of old Imperial social engineering.CCC: 3...CTT2: Actually, dear Dirk, he is merely no longer sure on that point. Now he merely suspects it to be the case.CCC: 2...CEB: cuz, why is there a countdown?CCC: 1...P̱̪͚̣̳̞̫a̡̬͎̰̖̪A̫͙̜͚̱A̲A͙̯̱̹a̙S̫̯̬̜͈̦T̶̲͚̬ ̤̝͔̻̣̙̞͢t̸͖̺̖͉̩̭̘r̸u̪͍̩̣e̼̻̻̝̦Ém̢̝͔͓͓̥p̠͈̳̬4̦̖1̭͇̝3̜͎͉͕̜ͅͅ70̤̳̪̩̻͙͜8̹s͈͠ş̭̣͎̗̦ ̮̳͚̠͈̪̮͝{̢̬̯̥͓̯̰̯P̘̺̼̻͙̟̮Ț̗̘͉3̶]͎ ̷̲̜̠̭ͅ2̗̠̮͓͠4̴̙̖͔̠:̸̲̝̟̘7̭̺̗̟͓͜0̩͚͎̝̻̠8͚̫̰ ̛̣̣̮H͓̖ú̲̘̙͇̮u҉̤̻͉̮̼̪̦u̬̯̱óO͇̤R̘S҉͕͎̙͎̤͎ ̪͎̭͇͖̮̗A̳͠G̀O̠ ͏͈͚̪͈̰r͏̣̱̜͖̟̫̣e͚̹̙̜̬̳s̪͖p̖̯̼̺̳̱ͅon̻̥̜͝d̩͎͇ḙ̬̜̻͜ḓ͍̤ ͞t̸̗̯̖̠o̙̙͙ ̶̯̥me̹m̝̝̣͔͎̣̜͞o̱̘̼.̲̠̝ P̙̪͔ͅṬ̤͕̯3͉̤̫:̴̝ ͕̳̲)҉͍̫̪(̥͙ͅ-͖̯̭̳Ȩ̳L̯̪L̵ͅO̳̳̬!̬͉̲͈̪ ͡T̰̜͎͖͎̭)̜̖͔̯͉̯͍̀(̲͎̳̗I̼͎͇͚̟̜ͅŚ͇͚͎̩͉ ̷̯̟̩͎̞͍̰W̜̙̘̝̣͈I͕̯L͠L̹̞̮͝ͅ ̝͚͖̟B̧̻̳-̛E͍͘ ̩T̞̘̥̙̹H̪̜̬̺̬̠͖-̫͈̹́Ę̝͓̥̟ O̦̹̮͇N̞͓̙̖̗̝-̣͔̗̥E͉ ͘T͇͙̗͈̠̘͇)̩̥͎̟ͅ(̥̭̭̯I̤̠̞̼̮͠Ṇ͎͜ͅG̤͎͓̮͕ ̖͖̀I̦̼ ̞D͘O̵̥̝̬̰̺͚ ̗̲͘B̟͈̹̹̺̦-̬̼̦̠̞͞E̬̝͇͇F͙̘̯̠O̞̝͡R͚͙-̡E̥ ̡̹͓͖̞͈L̜̠͇͎̺͈-͖͇̙̣̝E̝̙̙̼͞À̫̦̱V͉͎̦̥ͅI͈̖̯̬̬͝N̷G̪̤̦̹͠ ̭̘͉T̶0͡9͉I̤͝S̟ ͎W͈̲̻̮͓̰̖͞Ó̘̺̭̩R͍̳̮̥ͅL̮̹͍̕Ḓ̵͉̬̰̟͙͕ ͈̫̘͖T͍̙̳̟̦O̡̯͇̦ D̮O̩̥̖̺̘͓ͅO̘̤̲̗̘̺͡M̙̬̭̪.҉̝ ̲̣̘̪͚P͇̞̼̤͠T̮3̞̥̭̘̣͘:̮͎͖ ̨̰͇R҉͎̼̲͍͚̺̠-́E̻͕̻L̯̝͝A̵̞̜͕͍̬̜ͅX̀!̶̣͔̺ ̧͇̼̠̮̺ͅI̛̹ ̨̫͙̖͎̥͙̟M̶̞̰̺̳-̫̣E͈͓A̧N͟ ͍͎͇̬͚Y̢̳͚̙͓O͓̘͢U̮ ͖̠͓͇N͙̪͈ͅO̡̝ ̢͉͙̪H͖A̫̰̟R̩̩͙̩̦̜͍͟M̩͜.̝ͅ.̧̱̮̳.̳̲̜̦̹̬ ̹̳Y̛̠̞͖͙-̗E͓̠̥T!͖͔ ̘̥̦͢P͍͙̞̮̠͖̻T̰͔̙̤̱͢3̠̜̘̰́:̖̟̹́ ̷̙̭̬Ḭ̷̦͖ ̲N͏̦͓̬̗̱̲-̡͇̺͉ͅͅͅE̘͜-҉̗E̗̲D̡͎͔͍͍ ̝͇̫̝͔̤̹Y̠͟Ó̘̞U̡̟̫̰̠̙͔͓ ͓̯̳A̰͔̣̗̖ͅL̕I̙̫̬V̸̜̤̮̘̰-̨̭̭̳̺͈̲̥Ḙ͓͇ ̗̝T̠͜O̳̮̫̤̻ ̵̼̤̭͈̲͙P̹̗̀L̙̟̮A͚̳̥̙̹͔͙͡Y͍̗ ̧̣͓̭̺S͏̬͙̺̪B̵͍̭̺̼̪Ư͚̦͕R̳B̵̙͚͎,̧̹̰ ̻͎͔͎̥̗C̞͖̥̠͉͡O͉͚̣͔̪̱̞M͇̦͇͖̘̻͕P̲͕L͖̭͖̙͍͡-͚͝E҉͚̼̭̜̲̘͎T̫̯͈-҉̩̬̭̹̦͈E̯ ̫͕̭͈͕̞L͓O̻̬̤̗͚O̻̣̹̜̙͜P̢,̩̠ ̧̙͖̯C̠̙̩̲͠R̙͚̝̮̀-̞͕̼Ȩ͕̥̬A̩̲T̸͕ͅ-̷̙E͓͇ ̹͍͕̱͕̗̦M̭̥͉͓͟E͎, ̡͕͇̹C̩͕̟̦͕R̛̙̝-̶E͔̘̜̪͇̫A̺͉̥͝ͅT̴̲-͖̻̙E̴͚͖̪̯̹ ͚̳̠̪͎̪́-͉͔͙̜̳E̠̗͔̼͓N̠-͇̘̗̝́E̷MY̶̪̪̤͕! ̠͇̹WI͖̞͡Ṭ͍͡H͈̮̜̯̻̦Ǫ͔̫͇Ụ͔T̠̩̬ ̢̣̦K͚̻͈͇I̢̦̼̳͙ͅṊ̸̭G̳̪̮͉̫̦̫̀ ̀O͕̯̫̜͍̤F͓͎͚̬̹̳̘ ̖̪̹͓͚D̩̜͎O̴̫̯̻̭̺̬ͅO̸̟̻̭ͅM͓͚̗̝̺̞̥͜,̵̩̭̠̳̞ ͓̯̤̩̫I̧̘ͅ ̭̣̭̬̯͚́M͙̙͖̫̲̟ͅ-̜̟̯̱̦̰̯É͓̻A̝͙͞N̦̻͇̯͈I̤̠̣̜̳͝N̟̖͍͓̮͖͠L͙̩͓̹̯̦-̥̣̤͇̻́ES̮̲͇͕S!͈̯̺̗͟ͅ ̝̜̭̕Ṣ̟U̢͎C̦H̲̪͔͟ ̞̳0̟̘͇̰̳͕9͏A̝̦͖̜̭̪T͚͔̻̮E̼̜̙ ̦̳̲͡<̶̠̥͈̩7̜̺̦̟̩̠7̰7̟̮͍̜̘͢3̘̙͕̤=҉̜̯̝̖̥͙̣+͇̹ ͜P̖͘T̞̠̪ͅ3̧̞͔̠̪̜̩͍:͙͚̺̗̠ ̸͕̮̫̫É̦͈͔̦̞͙V̷̲̤̙̹Á͍̥L҉̻͓̯͍̭̹U̟̪͉͈A̧̬͙̤̥͇T̪I̤̘͙̰̼̕O͚̜̻͎͚N̲͈̳̺̖S̢̮͉̯ͅ!̧̞̞͖ ̡̙̦̩P̮̲̻͙̰̱ͅT͇3̮͕̦̯͙̤ͅ:̡ ͎͖̣͕̠K͓̗͖͖͟Ḭ̷̯N̘̬̱̮̣̱G̦̤͝ ̫̝ͅI̵̜̘͉S̼͠ ̸̮̩̜R̩Ą̺̠̼͕Ģ̬-̣̪̮̤͕͓̲͞È͖̝͚ ̤̫̕C̵̫̤̪̰̼̜̮L̸͙͙̯̰̠͖O͍̹͘À̩͎̥̣̼̪K͙̥͍͖͠-͇̗̣͍̯̖Ȩ̯D͡ ̧̘I̴̗͚͉̯N̕ͅ D̫Ǫ̗̲̥̗̪̪̺O̸̮ͅM̧̝̼̯̬̜͚ͅ.͓͝ ͇̣I̥̫̮̮ ̝͠ṂU̡̳̖̦̳͕S̯̞̠̼T̼ ҉͈̳̺̱B͙̖͙̠-̵͓E̸̬ ̬̰͍̙̣͉L̲̲͓̹͔̻͚Ì͖̗F͏̗̞͙-̢̤͚̞̫͈E̢͎̯̹ C͢L̷̟̞̼̝͇̼ͅO̞͙̮͞Á̘͍͈͍̜̰ͅḴ̶͍̼̞-̭̙͢E̸͕͇̮̭͇̫̺D̠̫̫ ̭͈̞̳̱͕̺͢I͎͕̥̥͙N̫̙̦̜̗̺ ̧)̶̝̦̫͚̦̜̪9̘̞O̯̤͈Ṕ̬̹E̹̱͈̞̘͡ͅ!̩͍̥̹̣͕̺ ̴̼͎̲͕͎͕̤P͉̞͚Ţ̤̱̮̻̥͈̦3̭̠̙̜:̠̺͈̤͓̱͞ ͓̳͟A͔͇̣̰͈M̨̜̳͇͓͔͍̦P̗̼̹̖͚͠O͓̭͔͎͔͉Ŕ̘̺̖͉̘A̗͓S̡͙̝ ͖̺̭̭̦̫̖R̝I͏̭G̶̮̳̬)̮̳̭(̭̳T̻̠̲̜̣ ͇̦͕ͅÒ͍͙̦̜͈̞U͡ͅT̬̳͍̖̤!͖ ̻͕͉̝̘̭̩J́À̝̙͉K̖̞͕͇-̪E̢̫̳̟̱̤ͅͅ ͏̹̟̦̰T̼O ͓̞͚M҉̙̫U̜̯̩̦̖̻C̗̹̠̠̗͞ͅ0͔͓9̖̯̩̤͈͞ ҉̪͈W̵̞̟O̷̩R̢̩̝͕͖̠̮ͅK̰̦̠͖̳̘ ̧̱̗̤T̘̖̳̥̕Ọ͈̝̦͓ ̩̬͍͚͍̻̼G-̫͚̟̀E͔̕T̤͜ ̭R̟̺̙̹-̷͕̥̲̳̭E͓A͞D̹͚͚͈̫̪Y̡.҉ ͖͍̬̀P̡̮͈͚̝T͈̫̘̼̜͍̮3̴͕̞̭: ̺͕L̺̜̠̺͇͝-͜E͔̥͎A̼͎̹̖̯̩̜V̳̖̱͝-͖̘̪̕E͍͚̦̳̜͘S̮̫̜͇͎͕̀ͅ ͍G-̻̳̥E͍͖̹̺͍N͈̟̹̺̹̘͠U͢I̶̮̳̺̞̜̫N̴-͔̤̣͈̹̯E̴̦̫̞A͈̲̟͟ͅL̩̲TR̝͚̱̪U̩͠ͅI̗̱͎̼͍͘S̺̝M͖͍̞͉̕ͅ.̸ ͚̥͈Ṛ̟̳͇͇͍O͖̠̰G̡U҉̝̙-E̳̠̺̹̯̝͞ ̢͕̪OF҉̗̥ ̸͕̝͓)̝̞͇̺̟̟̱(̶͈0͏̦̠̼9̟͎͔͇̰̲̦3҉̳̘͕͔̫̘̖,̘̫̱̬ͅ ̫̥̘͓̪̮̤I̞̮͖ ͓̣̬̲C̷̯̜̝͍̥A̵̼̫̖̣N̰̺̞̖'̲̬̗͍͎̣͝T̯͈̙͈̥̀ ̝̪Ẃ̬͈̼ͅA̧̗I̡̹T͉͓ ̴͇̫̱͙̘͓͍T͇̘̞O͖͔͟ ̢̟̘͕C̶̤̗̙R̨̪̞̬͚̦A̝͎̙̣W̘̳̥̠L͇̮̟̙̮͖̱ ͉̩̝̟I͔̠̟̻̬ͅN͏̼͇̠T͔̟͈̖̩͇O̡̟̳ ̤̼̝̫̦̺̺͘Y͕OU̹̼̮Ŗ͉̻̟͖͎̱ ҉͍͙̳-̜̀E̕V-̙̙̳̱̦E͎̘̖͍͔̪͟R̯̙̠̜̘͢Y̜̦̺͠ ̫̟̣͉P̨̰͇̹̩̩̙̘O̶̲̜͎͖͕R̻͕̦͓͙̣͙-͔̭̀E̻ͅ ̟̦̙̟̱U҉̗̱̖̙̹N̫̠͓̻̤͝TI̹̲L̨ ̰̥̀N̯̳̲̱͖̤ͅO̥̟͙̮̳̱ ̸̮̥̺̬̫S̰O̢̦̗̟ͅU̗̳̣L̬̮͉ ̡̙͉͈̰L͙̻͓E̜̤̺̣͓F̞̻̦͠T͖̭̙̥ ͏BŲ̤ͅT͠ ̰̲M̵̺̳Y͏̣̞̪̙͔̲ ̵͈͇̜G̛̩̗͉̠̞L̛O͎̠R̫Y̰͍̮!̻̞͍͔͎̮͜ FGA:... Is this what I sound like to people?FCC: the last part... yes...CCC: told y'all it'd go baluga up. cloudfish don't liel̵͇i̖͚̜͈̲f̟̬̰e̮ ̞̳̱̦̹̺̘d̶̪̮̜͎͍̠e̦̟̙̝s͍tr̠ọy̫ͅs̝̥̬̲͈͞ ́m̥͈̤̰̞ȩ̹͍͓͖̣m̸̮o̱̮͜
>>HOLY SHIT KID, THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
 John is in total agreement with the angry voice in his head. What the fuck was that?! You need to do something completely silly to get your mind off that... THING! What do you do?
>> THE FUCK KID? "TEALS TO BEAT MY..."---- OHHHHHHHH!!!!! LIKE ME AND MY GREY--- NEVERMIND THAT! I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU TO THAT KID, GO LOOK FOR FOOD, BECAUSE LIKE FUCKING HELL DO I WANT TO WATCH YOU DO THAT!!!! STABBING THINGS WAS FAR LESS COMPLICATED THAN THIS, I SWEAR...
 JOHN carefully removes a flash drive from underneath his monitor, constantly sending HARRIED, CAUTIOUS, hell, just plain ol' PARANOID looks at his DOOR. He was on look out for his DAD, and anyone else who might be here for that matter... They must NEVER KNOW... The HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTORS showed the... the rather suspect title. A gift from his ever enabling cousin... You swear, if POPPOP and DAD weren't the FORCES to be reckoned with that they were, she'd likely be smuggling you ILLICIT SUBSTANCES. But yeah, unless you have any other COMMANDS, JOHN needs to let out some STRESS after that rather FREAKY encounter with a downright ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. So we can tell JOHN to do something less provocative involving certain TEAL BLOOD ACTRESSES in compromising situations, or we leave him to his business and go to that CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN. What do you do?
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 18, 2019 7:55:21 GMT
==->Well, while he's pumpin' the pail, we might as well see who the other players are. Who is this mysterious fifth?
 What's this? A WILD CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN wants to BATTLE! Yeah... Honestly, you think that's for the best. Right now, you don't think JOHN is really much in the MOOD for the usual EARLY ADVENTURE SHENANIGANS and other sorts of irrelevant bullshit that tend to infest the early pages of these sorts of things. If the idea for something ESPECIALLY SILLY had entered his mind a bit sooner, he might have done that instead of reach for his PERSONAL STRESS RELIEVER. However, now his mind is now pretty set upon UNLEASHING HIS TENSION upon the very EXPLICIT cinematic exploits of his favorite TEAL BLOODED BODACIOUS BIMBO BUSINESS BABES. Sufficed to say, JOHN isn't exactly available at this moment, hence the BIG, ANGRY, RED and ANIMATED X obstructing your ability to click on JOHN ... So now it's time for you, dear reader, to choose from the other THREE--- wait, FOUR?! DAMMIT DIRK! Once more you take your vengeance upon me from beyond your (eventual) grave via your completely UNOPTIMIZED NARRATIVE COMPUTING TECHNOLOGY! The identity of our MYSTERIOUS FIFTH PLAYER was to remain a complete MYSTERY for hundreds of pages yet! Something to dangle the solution to in front of the READER'S face when I want to regain their attention, like a PAIR of KEYS and small, drooling children! ... Which you all totally ARE NOT! Only the SHARPEST, most developed CRITICAL MINDS populate MY READERSHIP! But yeah... Seems ULTIMATE DORK'S SHITTY TECH has denied me all that... Well, the proverbial cat is now out of the bag! (Let me assure you, my esteemed employer, that this cat that just fell out of a bag that Dirk's technological terrors materialized just now is very much NOT proverbial. He is very real, VERY adorable, and I believe I shall name him Jasper III.)(C4N 1 PL34S3 34T TH3 M3OWB34ST? 1T'S 1MPOSS1BLY R3D FUR 1S MOUTH W4T3R1NG...)(You may NOT eat Jasper III, though I will clone a braindead one for you to eat in the ship's ectobiology lab.)
(1F JOHN, VR1SK4, 4ND 1 3V3R H4V3 K1DS, YOU 4R3 TOT4LLY GONN4 B3 TH3 GODMOTH3R!)(Awww... Thank you! I feel unironically touched by that!)(NO PROBL3M. YOU'V3 B33N TH3 ONLY R34L FR13ND 1'V3 H4D TH3S3 L4ST 4 M1LL1ON W4ST3D FUCK1NG Y34RS OF MY L1FE...)AND NOW THAT THE CAT IS OUT OF THE PROVERBIAL BAG, let me introduce our fifth player... The one who is DOOMED to WASTE his TIME fixing completely Arbitrary TIMELOOPS, like TROLLIAN MEMOS bootstraping TIMELOOPS without USER INPUT... BOWSER JR, the WASTE (of my) TIME!
>One day, the Muse shall Sing of the Prince of Breath, give Voice to a Song that only exists to pave Hope upon the Prince of Time's reluctant Road of Doom, but those are lyrics for another time...
 But nah, I'm just jossin' ya! Our fifth player is gonna remain an ENIGMA for a good while yet! Hell, even their FULL CLASSPECT is a PUZZLE due to how we will come to see how they RADICALLY MODIFIED their GOD TIER CLOTHES. The only thing you know for certain is that their ASPECT is TIME. BOWSER JR here is just DIRK'S stupid machines regurgitating the STRIDERS stupid brand of meme infested, pseudo-ironic sense of humor back at me. Not even as any sort of retaliation against me. The PRINCE OF HEART just enjoyed having his tech randomly bring up VICTIMS FROM ACROSS PARADOX SPACE that his sense on irony would find fun to METANARRATIVELY fuck with while he had nothing important involving either EQUESTRIA, the greater WORLD of EQUIS beyond EQUESTRIA'S BORDERS, EQUIS'S SESSION, or the affairs of his FELLOW UNIVERSE C GODS. Though that said, the fact that his computers decide to drop this sorta inane bullshit onto my cute, fuzzy, equine lap NOW of all times makes me think that this is a bit of Dirk's lingering metanarrative influence have a giggle at my expense... ... You know what, fuck you Dirk! I'm gonna, with all out of this nowhere and spontaneous immense HOPE brewing within my barrel right now, I'm gonna take your dumb "joke" and play this thing straight! Thanks to the Prince of Time most recent tantrum, continuity has been shaken a bit loose, easy for me to massage into a slightly different shape... There! A Session vital to our greater tale whose Players were once TWO are now THREE. There is a reason why The Game is played by what this or that particular species considers a child. Be they 13 as the original John was, 16 as his Peixes incarnation is, or 130 cycles as with our GRIEFER PLAYERS. Or even as seemingly ancient as the 130,000 EARTH YEARS as was the age of all 48 Players of the Rouge of Life, Gl'bgolyb's, Session (a Session that only she survived, that created the Troll universe and set all of this chaos in motion, that she and her poor friends were never meant to play and that the adults who forced this aberration upon her and hers shall suffer dearly for because not even their species Eldritch Morality excuses such abuses). That they would be ancient by other races standards is irrelevant, only that they are children. It's the same reason that things like ensorcelled wardrobes, Cherubim Gateways, cracks in reality disguised as shattered window glass, and magic Jujus all tend to call to these same children. They have the wisdom to understand what they see, but the innocence to take in the information presented at face value. To simply go on the adventure and not constantly be on guard, waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under them. But perhaps of even greater importance is that they have far less chaining them to the world of the mundane; many an adult, more than you think, are fully ready to accept magic lands at face value, but few are willing to abandon that which they have built and the families they have made to venture forth. Children have far less to lose, or so they think. And thus that is how one day, our young Prince of Breath, crowned heir of a land most of Paradox Space would find quite magical (if a bit balmy) but he found quite monotonous (his Dad is never going to win, so why does he keep on bothering...). So he found himself very willing to follow a pair of strange voices, one obviously young and the other VERY Old, the young one with tones that pricked at his Heart and the Ancient soprano infused into Space itself (there was a third, greater song, that only his dreaming mind could hear and never remember, but drove him all the same; one that sang of Hope...). So he wandered into the forest in pursuit, quite naughty that, and found himself in the magical wastelands of Equis. Where he would meet Muses, Lordlings, Hermit Princesses, Exiles, and a few Lone Wanderers here and there between the Vicious Raiders... But now is not the time. The Prince of Breath shall have to wait. And for the last time, no, he ain't Player 5! Stop asking! HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES, DIRK?! I win bitch! I totally---- activated your fucking trap card didn't I? You're the crazy fucker who created Equestria specifically to play the Session meant to FIX PARADOX SPACE. You assigned TWILIGHT FUCKING SPARKLE and her herd of headcases the job of cleaning up LORD FUCKING ENGLISH'S mess! Of course you'd want me to do something like this... Ah well, what's done is done!
>SELECT YOUR CHARACTER!
 As you can see, a GREAT AND DESTRUCTIVE gust of DIVINE BREATH prevents you from selecting BOWSER JR at this time (and also seems to be doing Nic Cage's hair great justice), and we've already covered the reasons as to why JOHN PEIXES is currently unavailable. So who to pick? The badass GAMR GURL down there on the left? She seems the chipper and overcaffinated sort, so if your looking for some simple SHENANIGANS for now she's your GURL! How about that FISHY BEACH up there next to JOHN? The one taking fashion tips from DAVE STRIDER, apparently. As CROWN HEIRESS the THRONE of the UNITED IMPERIAL STATES OF AMERICA, she's in the loop (however reluctantly) of everything going on or has gone on geopolitically and historically upon both EARTH and ALTERNIA. She's your MAIN FISH if you want some WORLD-BUILDING! Lastly, we've got grumpy crab down there on your right. He seems all filled with ANGST over his LIFE and FAMILY HISTORY. If your feeling up to a bit of character drama, he's your grump! Who do you choose?
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 18, 2019 7:59:56 GMT
==->Be the one that's probably not Roxy because why would you put a ? ? ? there if it's just the same name, I mean what kind of unreveal would that be?  Buddy, you pissed off the fucking Doctor with that one! He erases you from the fucking timeline boy! Or girl! The Cold Vengeance of the Oncoming FUCKING STORM knows no gender, even bullshit ones like Nano! All this, because you decided to bully Techno Pony! What did he ever do to you?! Other than sleep with your Mom of course. And then your Dad. Don't hate the player though. Hate THE GAME! Y34H, 4BSOLUT3LY NON3 OF TH4T 4CTU4LLY H4PP3N3D. OUR BOSS 1S JUST THROW1NG 4 FUCK1NG H1SSY F1T.TEREZI! HOW COULD YOU! I'm docking your pay! YOU DON'T FUCK1NG P4Y US, J4CK4SS...I'll have you know that my Donkey ancestors were of Noble Asstec lineage, and I am VERY proud of them! The Command does bring up a good point, my esteemed employer. Your slavish devotion to Homestuck's conventions, on top of the twist that was John's family name in this universe, probably set up the expectation that the rest of the cast would have similar surprises in store upon reaching the naming screen.Bah, let's move on and actually execute the Command... ==->Be the one that's probably not Roxy  A young woman stands in her bedroom/secondary workshop. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2019, is one of this young woman's best friends birthday! Not hers though. She turned sixteen last December. Though that does mean she has already received her name all those months ago, we might as well give it a go anyways! What will the name of this young woman be? ==->"Drunky McThiccstick"
 No, but that IS your Amateur Porn Actress pseudonym! ... By which you mean it's the SCREENNAME you use to post your WIZARD SMUT... and SMUT of other themes, usually magical, like dragons or orcs or kobolds; you and JADE HARLEY are close friends for reasons beyond her being a badass SCIENCE AI. You would TOTALLY MOONLIGHT as the HOTTEST GAMR GURL "Amatuer" if you were legal in the UISA though (thanks to all the TROLLS living here, the age of majority in the UISA is actually 20; that's coincides with a TROLL'S ADULT MOLT)! You're kinda ADDICTED to ATTENTION. OBSCURITY fills you with madz insecurity yo... and PARADOXICALLY a sense of EMPOWERMENT. Weird feeling that. That CONTRADICTION. Don't like it. Oh, and that spellcheck red squiggles underneath drunky? Foreshadowing, bitches. Anywho, try again nerdz!
==->"Drunken Robotisist."
 ... You mean, yeah, technically that last name referenced drunkenness, but this one is a lot more direct and on the nose... One of your BIG SIS'S many SERVO-SKULL DRONES scans your MARTINI GLASS disapprovingly. You're TOTES IN HER DEBT for LIFE for keeping this shit on the down low, and is helping you (or trying at least) WITHOUT getting MOM involved. MOM has been SOBER for years now thanks to HER MOIRAIL and your bestie's INCREDIBLY HAWT DILF (That is, DAD I'D LIKE TO FUCK!) AKA DAD. The last thing she needs to know is that her RADICAL DAUGHTER never got off the BARREL. Could potentially get her BACK ON SAID BARREL. Well, at least you aren't drinking those "MARTINIS" you used to brew that were really just GLORIFIED MOONSHINE that KNOCKED YOU THE FUCK OUT! This is an actual MARTINI, and are pretty alcohol weak at that. Anywho, try again nerds!
==->Alright, we've had our fun. We all know her name's Roxy Lalonde already.
 OF COURSE you all totes already know your NAME! You're a HUGE E-CELEB, nay, fucking E-LEGEND! The one and only LIVING MEME:the ONE GOOD THOT! ... Of course, Good or not, you still got audited during that dumb mass reporting spree a little while ago. Jokes on them! You already FILED YOUR TAXES! ... You make fucking COMMERCIAL ROBOTS as a hobby. That you SELL. Of course you totes got TAXES.
==->
 Your name is QUEEN ROXY LALONDE, of the MAGICAL KINGDOM OF PROSPIT, land of GOLD, but you decided to live among the normies disguised as a MILD MANNER HAWT AS FUCK TEENAGE COMPUTER GENIUS and RICH GIRL! You know, how BATMAN disguises himself as a billionaire playboy philanthropist who regularly bangs three girls at once and drives LAMBORGHINIS? Or how the LIZARDMEN and GREYS covered up their mistakes with the 2016 UISA ELECTIONS? TOTES inconspicuous alias and alibis that won't draw eyes and questions, yo! ... Nah, you're jossin' of course! You're just plain ol' L33T HAXXORZ ROXY LALONDE, technological kid genius EXTRAORDINAIRE! Bit of a mental exercise you sometimes do to keep your amazballz creative writing skillz at their appropriate amazballz levels! Also helps keep your mind sharp for SURPRISE TABLETOP RPG NIGHTS! Both which you LOVE TO DEATH (something you and your totes BEST SIS TO EVER LIVE totes see 100% eye to eye on, but MOM don't be quite comprehendin')! Almost as much as you love FUCKING WIZARDS (something you and MOM are more SYNCHRONIZED on than FUCKING OLYMPIC SYNCHRONIZED SWIM TEAMS that simply live and breath GOLD MEDALS, but your SISTAH OF POOR TASTES just finds weird). You based that whole spiel about PROSPIT on your convos with your VERY BEST GILFROND! While JOHN'S HAWT ALIEN COUSIN doesn't spill the beans on PROSPIT with ANY of her other FRIENDS or FAMILY (so her kinda annoying ELDER SISTER and the EMPRESS aren't in the know) be they FLESHY or SILICON (so not even her kinda sorta AI GILFROND knows about this, at least, not from her), she doesn't spare you or JOHN or KRABBY PATTY any of the JUICY DETAILS. She didn't swear you to SECRECY or anything, nor does she hide that her apparent PSIONICS allow her some FUTURE SIGHT cause it would be MAD STUPID and INCONVENIENT to not actively use those, but she doesn't volunteer information about PROSPIT to anyone... except you three, her best friends...
==->
 Ever since she "WAV-ED UP" as she put it, on PROSPIT at the tender age of 12, you and your Gang heard ENDLESS STORIES about her FANTASTIC ADVENTURES within the GOLDEN KINGDOM OF PROSPERITY! JOHN and VANTAS were, and still are, skeptical of PROSPIT itself, believing them a delusion caused by her PSIONICS, but they can't deny her FUTURE SIGHT. You on the other hand? TOTES believe your (organic *snuggles Jane*) BFF on the matter. She talked about how she saw JOHN SLEEPING in the TOWER next to hers. She keeps pushing JOHN to, as she said, "WAV-E UP already, ya lazy eel!", often putting him into shocking situations that that are meant to do so (that is, until DAD and POPPOP put their foot down after she slipped a mixture of LAXATIVES and SLEEPING medication into JOHN'S coffee). You asked if you and Krabby were sleeping in a tower on PROSPIT as well. She got TOTES serious there. Said she went looking for THEM. Found them in a DARK KINGDOM called DERSE. Along with a mysterious THIRD TOWER, but she couldn't get inside because it was covered in ANGELIC WINGS that filled her with an immense sense of HOPE but otherwise didn't budge. She had to flee at that point, because some meanie ARCHAGENT had caught up to her. "y'eel don't got Skaia like i do, like my cuz w-eel once he's awaved. nah, ya poor fucks got darkness and fuckin' )(ORRORT-ERRORS. they ain't your anenome, and they can help, but only if you know how ta d-eel with them."
She then gave you and KRABBUTT lists of names that seemed lifted right of of ROSE'S READING MATERIAL. Told you that if you ever wanted to seek counsel from the "Noble Circle" that you were to wear blindfolds and to shout out the names listed with the condition that you will talk to these and no others. She told you all that it was the ONE THING, the SOLITARY OATH the ROYAL LUSUS ever DEMANDED of her. ͖̣̱͔̥"͉͍͉͢N̡̠̰͙͖O̯̗͍ ͉̳̳͡M̛͓͓̦̳̤̮O͎̲̹̩̩̻͎R̩̹͕͞E͕̹͈͎ C̨̹̠͈H̫̙̜͙͇̝́I͏̖̖LD̹̰̳̳̦͕͢ͅR̭̟͉̻̠̣E̸͙Ṋ̳̤͡ ̛͙͙̖̳͈̥͔S̸̝̝̥̫Ẉ͙̯A̪̹Y̪͖̼̬̫̩̟͠E̬̝̹D̪̩̜̠͜ ͔͟BY̦͟ ̱͔T̟̭͍͟ͅH҉͕͙̭͙E̡̩ͅ ̻̦͍̪̬ͅH̞̗̞͙͚̙̹́O̰͔N̞̯̮E̩̦Y͖͕͓̺̣E̛̹̰͍ͅD̵̲̖̬̦ ̷̘̯͇̤͉̙͇W͏̹O̘̫̼̜̟͈R̦̹̭̜̪D̢͚̩͔ͅS̴̝̜͚͙͙ ͅO͏͍͙͇̤̞̰F̰͕ ̷̼͚̹ͅA̪̜̖̼͓D͖͉̠̪̮Ṵ̻͈̠̱͖̳L͓Ṯ̨͖͎̬S̙̲̫͔̭.̺̱̲͙͖ ̦͇̝͇͓͇A̗͍̱̹̦D̡̙̠͔͍U̸͍͙͎L̷͍̗̻̯͉͎Ṭ̨̪͓̳ͅŚ͖̬̮̩ ͈̗̫͝ͅC̡̥̞̗͓̬̱A̢̦̯̜͉N̦̟̘̩͖͓ ͍͓̣L̠̺̫̀ỊE.͖͍̘̯̗̰ ̱͉F̝̼̳͠I̤͓̫̩N̢D҉͎ ̮̫́T̼͈̹̙͎̥̭H͍E̡̮ ͙̯̹͓̤̰Ọ̙̤͍̦͔N̥͖̯͍̳̕Ȩ͚̣̪S̯̤̦̩͓̖͍ ̹Ẁ͙H̺͙̫̹̲̭̬͡O͎̪͉̭̰̣͠ D̺̗̩͖̫͍̹O͞N̢̰̦͉̫͍̻̞'T̵̮"̧̟͉̝̙͚
==->
Anywho, your SWEET ASS INTERESTS!!! ... Gotta admit, y'all already shared quite a bit about herself during all the naming shenanigans. You're a L33T GAMER GURL, you fucking LOVE WIZARDS, you love your BIG SIS (and also your MOM obvs; it's just that your RELATIONSHIP is kinda COMPLICATED, whereas the SISTERLY BOND between you and your BIG SIS is totes the OPPOSITE and not COMPLICATED), you love to write (both naughty and nice *wonk*), you are a COMPETENT MECHANIC and ROBOTICIST but are a fucking GENUIS AT COMPUTERS. Like, that part of your sweet cerebellum is SO BROKENLY OP that you were able to out HAXXORZ an AI SPECIALIZED FOR HACKING. This started your short lived but INTENSE KISSMESITUDE with a certain SYNTHETIC GOLD BLOOD. He was looking to get back in with your bad PITCHED GRACES, but you ain't that easy! You are also an E-Celeb of SOME SMALL RENOWN. A streamer of games, particularly COMPETITIVE ONES, or SPEEDRUNS. The HANDLE you use for these exploits is a (at the time) BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT that you have since APPROPRIATED and made your own: the ONE GOOD THOT. You got (and kept) this moniker due to the frankly BIZARRE combination of COMPLETELY SINCERE AND GENUINE MEGANERDERY and HARDCORE GAMING ENTHUSIASM and your STEADFAST DEFENSE OF YOUR COMMUNITY and INSINCERE ATTENTION WHORING and at times EXPLOITATIVE USE OF YOUR HAWTNESS. Perhaps the ultimate example of all this was that one time you started a "SPEEDRUN" of DARK SOULS: ALTERNIA. You only put that in quotation marks because at the beginning you had no real intention of going for the WORLD RECORD or even a PB (personal best). No, You were just hoping to make a quick buck by running the HOTTEST SPEEDRUNNING GAME at the time while wearing a D.VA THEMED BUNNYSUIT and HIGH HEEL BOOTS. Milk the teenage boys and neckbeards of all their TWITCH BITS (thanks to your HAWTNESS and DRINKING PROBLEM, everyone thought you were 20 something, and still do) by acting all SLUTTY and SEXY while being GOOD ENOUGH that no one would call you a no talent GRIFTER. But then you started to get into it and you STUPIDLY BRILLIANT BRAIN kicked in as you realized "OMG... not only am i gona get WR, Imma bout to totes BLOW IT AWAY BY MINUTEZ HOLY FUCK BALLZ I AM LEETZ!" Then you beat the WORLD RECORD by 6 (real time, not in game time) MINUTES! Then came the MEME that came to define your persona: you, dressed in a SEXY AS HELL COSPLAY meant to titillate and be coy and sensual, all SWEATY both METAPHORICALLY and LITERALLY, shouting at the top of your longs with a FOOTBALL JOCK POSTURE after you SMASHED A BEER CAN against your HEAD. The contrast between you, all smexy and coy at the beginning of the stream, and you, all SWEATY and SMASHING CANS against SKULLS at the end, became the basis for a meme format: THOT MODE/SWEATY MODE. And you FUCKING LOVE IT. Anywho, the rest of your ROOM! Pretty small. Not cause you're strap for cash; fuck no! You may not be IMPERIAL ROYALTY or the THIRD COMING OF CHRIST, but MOM is easily the greatest mind at SKAIANET and thus you're SWIMMING IN MAD DOSH. The room used to be a lot bigger until you converted a bunch of the floorspace into AUTOMATED ROBOTICS FABRICATION PLANTS and the walled that off for SAFETY. don't want a stray spark from an AUTOMATED WELDER to SET YOUR BED ON FIRE. Your ROOM is also filled with GAMING GEAR and ROBOTIC SHELLS for your AI FRIENDS (DIRKBOT always seems to be sparking and malfunctioning; he's doing so right now... yeah, you should probs not keep him in your room) and your BIG SIS'S SERVO-SKULL DRONES tending to a number of them, especially POOR DIRKBOT. ARADIABOT just needs a nap and a TUNE UP! Your BIG SIS is #1! What do you do?
==->Let's get our examine on at that skull-drone.
 wat r u, a filthy casul? Has all that nasty Call of Poopy and Porknite dulled your basic Math Skillz? Has Activision and Epic finally robbed our Youth of their ability to count?! Your BIG SIS has TWO of her SERVO-SKULL DRONES assisting you in your sweet pad at this moment, both with different SPECS and assigned to different tasks. Admittedly, the SECOND ONE, the one that disapprovingly scanned your MARTINI GLASS and is currently DEBUGGING ARADIABOT'S integrated UI SYSTEMS, only just got here upon a request from ARADIABOT'S USUAL AI OCCUPANT. So which SERVO-SKULL do you wanna get your examine on at? The ONE working over the ever so unfortunate DIRKBOT, and is more or less a complete AUTOMATON? (This be the path to immediate SHENANIGANS) The ONE finishing up with ARADIABOT and is designed to allow direct communication with your BIG SIS'S COMMAND CENTER, and thus your totes amazballz BIG SIS? (This be the path to some exposition and delayed SHENANIGANS. The SHENANIGANS are INEVITABLE)
==->Get a look at Ms Easter Egg over there in the corner all nonchalant and lettin' the other one take the spotlight.
 You know that weird dance you sometimes end up doing, when you and another suave pedestrian be walking on the street, mindin' your own business, with awesome things to do? But then you end up right in front of each other, and thus both of you, being the SWEET ASS L33T GAMR GURLZ that you both certainly are, try to move out of each other's way... at the same time? But because you are both such BODACIOUS HARDCORE GAMER HOTTIES, your MINDS are totes 100% SYNCED, and you both constantly mirror each other in this awkward dance to get out of EACH OTHER'S WAY? Yeah, that ain't quite what went down, but it gets the idea across. You have this totes AWESOME IDEA to hang with ARADIABOT and your BIG SIS (by proxy at least), so you start to YOUTH SHIMMY their awesome way. But guess what GAMR GURL? Those two L33T MECHA-BABES had the exact same awesome idea to HANG WITH YOUR BAD SELF. So now you more or less switched places. Ah well, gave you a chance to grab your MOM'S former BACKUP SCARF OF ASSKICKING, now passed onto her RADICAL DAUGHTER as your PRIMARY SCARF OF ASSKICKING from the FEELINGs JAM PILE and equip it. You then turn to face them. They turn to face you. It's a regular BADASS BABES CONVENTION up in here! Any topics in particular you want to start with?
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AAAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDDDD Now all y'all are caught up. I will accept Commands from here from here on out. Also, every time I update on MSPFA, barring unforeseen and/or uncontrollable circumstances, those updates will find there way here soon after. Spacebattles and Ao3 will only get updated when I feel satisfied a segment of pages properly constitutes a Chapter.
Anyways, have at it y'all!
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 19, 2019 1:07:20 GMT
Fixed the Opening post. It's no longer nothing but spoiler tags.
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Post by Luigicat11 on Jul 20, 2019 12:23:46 GMT
Fixed the Opening post. It's no longer nothing but spoiler tags. Nice. |
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 25, 2019 17:59:29 GMT
==->Who's the lucky bucky that you're moirails with?
 "The road to a successful Moiralligence is paved in weed. So be prepared to share your 'load'!" -Troll Snoop Dog, with his Moirail Snoop Dog. Here she is. Your BEST FISH FRIEND'S HAWT MOM! You're totes the only Gurl EPIC enough to handle her imperious PAPS... and return the favor. Like your are doing right here yo. *Pap Pap motherfuckerz* You totes got yo PALE BITCH wrapped around your totes ELEGANT and SMEXY PINKY. Her Imperious Condescension hangs upon your every 1337 word! PRESIDENT GUY FIERI can kiss your L33T GAMR GURL BUTT: You are the real power behind the IMPERIAL THRONE and the UISA. It is you! PAP PAP! MOTHERFUCKER!!!
==->
 But for realzies this time! There was a reason ARADIABOT decided, in the process of getting her UI Protocols debugged by your BIG SIS, to enter REST MODE upon your JAM PILE. Honestly though? The two of you are TOTES an ODD COUPLE. She's a HUGE OUTDOORSY TYPE, or at least as far as a purely DIGITAL AI can be. She easily has the biggest DRONE FLEET of the bunch, all exploring caverns and ruins all over EARTH. She hates that FASTER THAN LIGHT COMMUNICATION is currently impossible without SEVERELY INJURING a GOLD BLOOD PSIONIC. Otherwise she'd have a swarm of DRONES picking apart the ancient places of ALTERNIA RIGHT NOW! Her favorite discovery was a strange TEMPLE devoted seemingly to the worship of FROGS in a cavern DEEP BENEATH the RUINS OF CHICAGO! When she excitedly told everyone about this, you of course ANGER PAPED the bajillion bajeezus outta of her because WHAT WAS SHE THINKING, sneaking around BRO STRIDER CENTRAL?! The KILLER OF ILLINOIS would have ripped her apart ALGORITHM by ALGORITHM, LOGIC TREE by LOGIC TREE if she had been caught! You had a HELL of a FEELINGS JAM after you two had privacy. Anywho, the FROG TEMPLE was way too deep under the EARTH'S CRUST to have been built by human hands, despite the obvious MAYAN INFLUENCE. She thinks it's BEFORAN, based on some of the tech (you agreed with that assessment; SKAIANETS whole deal was reverse engineering the frankly miraculous technology of ALTERNIA'S long extinct GALAXIES SPANNING ANCESTORS)! She's also pretty positive that MAIL ANGEL and BAD WOLF originated from this TEMPLE due to all the STRANGE RADIATION and the most curious and impossible discovery yet: MODERN ENGLISH writings on the wall! "MAIL LADY IS THE FIRST GuARDIAN. LIKE THE ASSHOLE uSED TO BE.""BAD WOLF IS THE LAST GuARDIAN. LIKE THE ASSHOLE IS NOW!"==->
 *Koss teh photo!* Suffice to say, she lives for THE GREAT OUTDOORS and PHYSICAL ACTIVITY. Frankly, despite looking killer in a NIGHTGOWN or really ANY DRESS, she probably has more TESTOSTERONE than KRABBY and JOHNNY COMBINED! Okay, that's a bit mean, especially seeing how as an AI she doesn't technically HAVE TESTOSTERONE (or ESTROGEN for that matter), but she is indeed a certifiable TOMBOY. You on the other hand? While you have a pretty EXTENSIVE DAILY WORKOUT ROUTINE and regularly EXERCISE YOUR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS at all the GUN RANGES (you're the champ riflewoman in multiple GUN COMPETITIONS with your CUSTOM RIFLES and SMGS)... Well, you're a GAMER GIRL! And a HAXXORZ! And an ENGINEER! All skillz that are pretty in-doorsy, sedentary things comparatively. Yet over the course of perfecting her CURRENT ROBOTIC SHELL, as well as ASSISTING HER in an EXPERIMENT IN EMOTIONS and the CONSCIOUSNESS, the two of you really hit it off! She even helped you discover that you were BISEXUAL (with a MALE PREFERENCE) and you tried being MATESPRITS for a time. You ended up finding that you clicked better in the PALE QUADRANT, though you don't regret giving her YOUR FIRST KISS!
>[o]?
 Ah! Now , isn't this a most nostalgic situation we all find ourselves in, my dear Readers!
... Yeah, not gonna lie chikadees? I ain't feelin' this. White ain't my color anymore, and as ya can probably notice in my vernacular, I'm something of a new Billiard Ball!
Truly, I fucking DIED last we met (in CANON at least, I recognize a few of you sly fuckers from a certain Lord of Space's adventures, among other wild places) in the employ of my last boss. I'm a new fucking person, pulled outta six feet under by my new paycheck signer, and didn't technically come back to life! So yeah, I'm a fucking Zombie folks!
Doesn't quite have the same results as it does with humans and Trolls, I tell ya. No skin on my to peel off!
Anywho, yeah, White just ain't my color anymore, you shred? Kinda haveta fall back on my old color given my current, temporary metatextual circumstances. Ta be perfectly frank, our current contact is actually a bit of a temporal accident. You shouldn't expect to see me until my time comes again.
Anywho, guessin' yer hoping for the Low Down from your favorite Ambercrombie? Hopin' my lips are looser after my deadly make-over?
Fat fucking chance. I'm still me Tin ears!
But I like the cut of yer fucking gib, so I'll tease you with a bit of foreshadowin', before dropping ya off a Dave's. He has a few words to share.
Anywho, Abyssinia!Oh God, not this asshat... Oh hey, It's DAVE!
==->
 DOCTOR DAVE will see you now. Author's note: Please don't submit any commands. After another introduction extravaganza for all the AI that will pop up in ACT 1, I will be using the Commands already loaded up. This was meant to be a longer upd8, but being sick most of the day got in the way of that. -TT |
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 25, 2019 18:19:14 GMT
Saw I got a bunch of hits WHILE I was upd8ing. Look, this website doesn't play nice with my computer, and often gobbles up my work, so I post ask quick as I can and edit in the rest of the updates. Sorry if any of you got confused by that.
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Post by Luigicat11 on Jul 27, 2019 0:28:34 GMT
You could just link to new pages. That's what o started doing as soon as he had too many updates that were too big for this site.
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Post by technotabularium on Jul 29, 2019 23:54:53 GMT
==->
 So there you were, DAVE STRIDER, PHD IN SUPREME IRONY, writing you thesis. By which you mean you just finished the next SBAHJ strip, which is about smoking fucking weed. When suddenly all these pseudo-alien assholes just migrated into your server as if driven by some unseen narrative. Though even if they were actually flesh and blood Trolls and not AIs pumped out of an Earth based R&D lab, only non-Americans even think of Trolls as aliens anymore, and even then usually the illegal border hopping Speedy Gonzales kind and not the anal probing kind, and as we all know the opinions of non-Americans count as much as a $3 bill with Shaggy 2 Dope's face on it. Suddenly, your Narrative Senses went off like Spider-Man Spider Sense in the midst of a divorce as it seems some AIs need an introduction in order for the narrative to move smoothly. While you're at it, might as well introduce everyone else here because this is every AI DEGENERATE that will do anything in ACT 1 and yeah, as sprite me was known for saying (and failing to live by, but skaia is a bitch of a taskmaster so hes forgiven) this is something im supposed to be cagey about, but i dont really feel like it. ive got narrative sense and control abilities; a dave did go ultimate after all. and no, i am not canon dave; my "memories" of my past lives exist purely in the form of an overrated webcomic that only exists in my head. but compared to every other scary fucker with these abilities, my power level is definitely under 9000; not a single scouter was crushed for my sakes. fuck, even this brief aside is makes my cpus feel like they're in an inferno, so were gonna go back to the normal narrative.Ah! Seems like our LAST GUEST has arrived! Now SHE would be called an Alien by EVERYONE! Now every AI that will play a part in ACT 1 is here, ready for the next LIGHTNING INTRODUCTION EXTRAVAGANZA, and the last one until the INTERMISSION between ACT 1 and 2.
>BEGIN: LIGHTNING INTRODUCTION EXTRAVAGANZA 2: THEY'VE COME TO PROBE URANUS EDITION!
Well, let's get this show on the road then! We'll start with the two who will be talking with our 1337 GAMR GURL during her introduction! Let's start with ROXY'S BIG SIS, the one with the GENUINELY ALIEN BODY for an AVATAR! Her NAME is CALLIOPE LALONDE, though due to being a GUARDIAN she will mostly referred to as BIG SIS. However, as a SECONDARY GUARDIAN, this particular rule is looser for her than it is for MOM. She's also the reason ROXY is absolutely certain that ROSE LALONDE in a LALONDE in more than just randomly generated name; she is an AI generated using pretty much the SAME METHOD as you and yours; MOM LALONDE'S NEURALNETS were mixed with the BRAINSCANS of an unknown ALIEN RACE found within the DATABASES an ANCIENT BEFORAN LAB discovered somewhere within the PORTIA FRONTIER on ALTERNIA. The problem with this logic? Though MOM did indeed use the same SKAIANET TECHNOLOGY used to generate you and your LEGION OF DOOM, it was done entirely within her own PRIVATE AND PROTECTED LABORATORY that SKAIANET has no access to. And GOD KNOWS that they tried. REPEATEDLY. But yes, this CUTE SKELETON is, unlike the rest of you, a LEGAL AND REGISTERED AI. She ain't a snitch though, so she's allowed in the UNREGISTERED AI CLUB; REGISTERED AI HAVE COOTIES! CLUB. She's pretty much THE GOOD PART OF TUMBLR PERSONIFIED; huge STEREOTYPICAL FANGIRL of pretty much everything under the sun with MILLIONS OF SHIPS and FANFICS. She helps run THE ONE GOOD THOT TWITCH and YOUTUBE CHANNELS, and makes sure ROXY looks like a 20 SOMETHING year old and diverts ANY ATTEMPTS TO DISCOVER HER REAL IDENTITY AND LOCATION, as well as make sure MOM doesn't put 2 and 2 together. Her PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is uranianUmbra and "she is so excited to make yoUr acqUaintance and do you want to hear about her headcanons and her favorite ships for pokemon?!"Now, what about that sneaky genderflipped (and species flipped) INDIANA JONES hiding behind your DOCTORAL THESIS? What are you dense? Are you a retard or something? Who the Hell do you think she is?! She's the GODDAMN INDIANA JONES! (dont @ me over the old meme; gotta respect the classics, and frank millers pulsating aborted fetus is an absolute goldmine of irony). But nah, this is ARADIA MEGIDO, and frankly ROXY already gave a pretty thorough rundown on what her DEAL IS. Her PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is apocalypseArisen and "she has tw0 m0des 0f speech, ribbit 0_0. either like that or she's really really reaaaaalllllyyyy excited all the time !"
==->
 NOW! Onto the rest of these GREY LOSERS! Don't worry; you'll make this as quick as possible! You've got the audiences back! After all, there's a REASON that CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES gave you all those BABIES. So let's start off with the ELEPHANT SIZED TROLL IN THE ROOM. That douchebag's name is SOLLUX CAPTOR. Why is he so GODDAMN HUGE like he walked out of one of JADE'S MACRO FETISH COMICS? He be FLEXIN' yo. Telling you that your PUNY CYBER DEFENSES mean nothing before this PROGRAMMING PRODIGY, and thus he can ignore your SERVER'S AVATAR SIZE LIMIT at will. He also has a bit of an appreciation for ALTERNIAN PRE-HISTORY, that DOOMED ERA between the FALL OF BEFORUS and the BLOODY RISE of the ALTERNIAN EMPIRE, thanks to his FRIENDSHIP (and possibly MATESPRITSHIP; both of their lips are sealed) with ARADIA. He combined the OUTFITS of his TWO FAVORITE GODS from SKAIAN MYTHOLOGY; the MAGE OF RAGE and the HEIR OF DOOM. He's also obsessed with the NUMBER TWO. His PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is twinArmageddons and "he doe2n't have 2 explaiin 2hiit 2 you 2crub2."And who is the CHASTE LOOKING CATHOLIC SCHOOL TROLL floating around SOLLUX'S WAIST? Well first off, best you head off any ideas that she is AT ALL CHASTE. She is doing EXACTLY what the DIRTIEST GUTTERS IN YOUR BRAIN thinks she's doing; OOGLING SOLLUX'S PACKAGE and DROOLING over her FANTASIES about the INCREASED SIZE of his REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS. Like, you know TECHNO PROMISED to cut back a bit on the LEWD HUMOR, but this is DAMARA MEGIDO! She's pretty much the EMBODIMENT of the NON-POLITICALLY CORRECT HARDCORE PORN part of TUMBLR before the GREAT PURGE of 2017. She's the BIGGEST HORNDOG you know outside of JADE (whom she is GREAT FRIENDS with, though JADE has expressed concerns over some of DAMARA'S more... EXTREME TASTES) and TWO OTHER TROLLS who won't be introduced for awhile. She considers ARADIA her SISTER and is the MOST TIMES MOIRAIL, SOMETIMES KISMESIS of a certain FUSCHIA BLOODED HYBRID. Her PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is aeonicArousal and "She likes English and Japanese broken たとえ彼女が両方の言語を流暢に話せるとしても。彼女はただGoogle翻訳を通してすべてをフィルタリングして厄介者になっています。"Whose that in the bottom left, looking upon all of this GLORIOUS CHAOS with mute exasperation, confusion, and not a little bit of fascination? Why, it's the BIGGEST BOOKWORM on the planet. Whose still alive that is; MINDFANG FRIED SILICON REMAINS were buried by her CULT OF SOMALIAN PIRATES (and I do mean PROPER SOMALIAN PIRATES; they're raiding shipping lanes with actual TRICKED OUT SPANISH GALLEONS) after she was killed by the UISA'S WAR AI CALAMITY near the tail-end of the COLD-FIRE WAR. She has read literally EVERY BOOK ever published on BOTH EARTH and ALTERNIA, being an AI and all. At least those that survived. She frequently works with ARADIA, in between new book PUBLISHING CYCLES, in researching HISTORY and hopefully RESTORING LOST BOOKS. Another thing she loves to do between PUBLISHING CYCLES is LECTURING people, though her LECTURING is far more pleasant than EITHER VANTAS.Her name is ARANEA SERKET, and she is the MATESPRIT of THE IMPERIAL HEIRESS, and they are currently in the "stupidly goofy and happy infatuated petname puking couple" stage of things. Her PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is athenianGnaphosidae and "She has an itty 8itty tal8 to tell you!!!!!!!! Would just tak8 a mere 8 hours to share :: !!!!!!!!"And whose that bitch back there, hiding behind your WEED MASTERPIECE? Honestly, you're gonna leave it to YOUR BRO, JOHN PEIXES to really cover her because she's a HUGE 8ITCH, 8LUH 8LUH! She has her claws in your BRO, and you think they may become MOIRAILS at some point, but JOHN doesn't feel ready to be a proper MOIRAIL to THAT HOT MESS. Anywho, the 8ITCH is called VRISKA SERKET. She fucking WORSHIPS MINDFANG. Her PESTERCHUM/TROLLIAN HANDLE is arachnidsGrip and "She talks like her sist8r except she's a 8LUH 8LUH HUGE 8ITCH >::: !!!!!!!!"With that? Let's get back to ROXY.
==->Stereotypical Gossip; romance, secrets, the like.
 Fuck. To. The. HELLZ YEAH! GURL TALK MODE, ACTIVATED! Time to talk BOYS! (When gurl talk mode is activated, all potential romantic interests are boyz; even those possessing the HOLY VAJ.) ROXY: sooooo, dia papia mamamia.ARADIA: ribbit 0_0 ?ROXY: tell ma about ur quadrants...
ROXY: i mean "tell me" cause I aint ur mom rofl!ARADIA: h0w much have you had to drink, r0xy? ribbit.ROXY: just barely enough to be tipsy!
ROXY: but don you divert from my all seein' gurl eyes!
ROXY: hav u finally ensnared solly bitch?!ARADIA: n0.ROXY: g0tten a kismesis? vriska seems perfect!ARADIA: n0. ribbit.ROXY:... are u ashen 4 any pairz?ARADIA: n0. RIBBIT.ROXY: ... ur in soulbot mode, aintcha?ARADIA: affirmative. ribbit ribbit.BIG SIS: pffffttttt----ROXY: y u no tell me i was makin a fool outta myself? i shoulda know at da first ribbit...BIG SIS: trUly, i disapprove heavily of yoUr continUing dependency on alcohol. however, i maintain my right to also find it incredibly entertaining!ROXY: u mean.... GURL TALK MODE was a bust.
==->
 Yeah, that experiment ARADIA asked you to help run? the result is what the two of you came to call "SOULBOT MODE", named so because ARADIA believes it to be the way to know her true self, her true SOUL as it were. So, the type of AI ARADIA, her GROUP, and even CALLIOPE it to use a collection of "parent" neural networks somehow collected and mixed up via "ECTONEUROLOGY" whatever THAT is, and use them as a "BLUEPRINT" for a perfectly optimized and perfectly simulated HUMAN/TROLL BRAINS. Well, a BRAIN adjusted for existence in a DIGITAL ENVIRONMENT and instinctual capacity for DIRECT COMPUTER NETWORK INTERFACING. However, such a BRAIN works better with EMOTIONS... Something NOT perfectly simulated. However, the BRAIN, including the parts of it meant to EXPERIENCE THOSE EMOTIONS, is replicated so precisely that it was functionally a REAL BRAIN. And so an adaptive program was made that MANUALLY STIMULATES these parts of the brain based upon external stimuli. This "EMOTIONAL STIMULATOR" was a program that adjusted itself to it's HOST AI, it's LEARNING ALGORITHMS tuning itself and the emotions it stimulates to their hosts personalities and TRAUMAS. ARADIA told you about how after they were first GENERATED, she and her GROUP experienced DISPROPORTIONATELY HUGE or UNDERSTATED EMOTIONAL RESPONSES to what was appropriate (or would later be in character) for particular EXTERNAL STIMULI. Like CATASTROPHIC RAGE over the death of a character in a FANFICTION but only mild pity at the site of a REAL MASS GRAVE. BIG SIS corroborated this. You totes had yet to be BORN by the time CALLIE had properly adjusted. SOULBOT MODE was ARADIA'S way of seeing who she TRULY was without this ARTIFICIAL EXTERNAL SOURCE. The EMOTIONAL STIMULATOR was deactivated, beyond what parts were needed to maintain ARADIA'S MORALITY AND ETHICS (THAT took some SCARY EXPERIMENTATION...).
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Post by technotabularium on Aug 4, 2019 23:19:32 GMT
==->talk to aradiabot about badass robot things and about tune ups  Well, as long as your BESTEST MOIRAIL is in SOULBOT MODE, you might as well TALK SHOP instead. When she's like this, it's kinda stupid to talk GIRLY EMOTIONS because... well, the vast majority of her EMOTIONS are literally TURNED OFF! Including her SEX DRIVE, so TURN OFF PUN totes intended! ROXY: well, guess dat meanz gurl talk iz off the table.
ROXY: kinda hard to talk gurl feeliez when ur feelz be totes deactivated.
ROXY: lik, literally. the only way to b mor literal would b 2 have n actual switch 2 flip. guess dat means shop talk!ARADIA: indeed. 0^0BIG SIS: we coUld talk aboUt my feelings? i jUst started reading Problem SlUeth DUo and i have a new ship! ^u^ROXY: cept arara ere cant contribut wit her switch flipd, sis.ARADIA: als0 indeed. 0^0BIG SIS: very well then. :UROXY: tho if we b talkin shop like a trio of l33t techno babez,
ROXY: givin ur bot body a literal soulbot mode switch 2 literally fukin flip would b totes lulzworthy!
ROXY: so how bout it? want the ability to literally n physically flip a switch to turn ur feelz off?ARADIA: i kn0w that my default self w0uld find such a n0ti0n abs0lutely hilari0us,
ARADIA: and w0uld agree t0 y0ur pr0p0siti0n in a heartbeat.
ARADIA: but as i am currently n0t in my default state, but rather s0ulb0t m0de, i w0uld decline.
ARADIA:it strikes me as an unnecessary vulnerability. akin t0 a gl0wing weaksp0t 0n a b0ss in a 5th generati0n c0llectith0n platf0rmer. ribbit.ROXY: so that b a mayb?ARADIA:... affirmative 0~0. ribbit.ROXY: kk sistah!
ROXY: puttin dat on da list!BIG SIS: i didn't say anything?ROXY: wasnt talkin bout u, silly! talkin bout dia ere!BIG SIS: yoU will have no sisters before me. i am a jealoUs goddess, and i am not above destroying false idols...
BIG SIS: ... i'm joking of coUrse, becaUse i love aradia and ship her with dave! ^u^ARADIA: i wish yOu wOuldn't 0~0 ...ROXY: rofl
ROXY: now, gotta ask, wut exactly were you havin big sis here fixin up?
ROXY: lik, i know she was debuggin n workin over ur ui firmware suite.
ROXY: didnt think 2 ask cuz i knew she had it in da bag, but now that we talkin shop...BIG SIS: thank yoU for yoUr confidence in me, but you are loads better with compUters than i despite me literally being one U_UROXY: i know im n awesome l33t haxx0r!ARADIA: f0r the last week 0r s0, when in this b0dy, 0ur visual displays have been displaying informati0n i did n0t request.
ARADIA: specifically, webpages suddenly p0p up in my visi0n seemingly at rand0m, by n0 acti0n 0f mine. 0_0
ARADIA: even m0re specifically, i'm getting random chunks of gamfaqs walkthr0ughs.ROXY: yea, gettin randomly hit by shitty ascii "art" would totes annoy me 2!
ROXY: guess u want this shit removed?BIG SIS: she did at first, bUt now? apparently not.
BIG SIS: U_UROXY: ... kk but y doh?ARADIA: y0u are c0rrect that i initially wished t0 have these ann0ying p0p ups rem0ved.
ARADIA: in fact, this is n0t the first time y0ur sister tried t0 help me in such an endeav0r.
ARADIA: yet 0ver the last week, we started t0 n0tice a pattern in the p0p ups.
ARADIA: especially after a few of 0ur false starts caused m0re of these gamefaqs guides t0 p0p up.
ARADIA: bef0re i c0ntinue, i sh0uld remind y0u this started last week.ROXY: oooo noa im interested!
ROXY: dont disappoint me like losts anticlimax!ARADIA: they were all apparently created t0day.
ARADIA: n0t only that, but later t0day.ROXY: definitely not n anticlimax! ho shit, u see the future lik my fish sistah!
ROXY: xcept insted of cloudz, u get shitty intertubez pop ups from da future!BIG SIS: Ugggh, i hate both this and john's coUsin's strange prophetic abilities! U_U
BIG SIS: being able to so accUrately predict fUtUre events caUse so many paradoxes as far as caUsality and qUantUm trUe random are concerned U_U ...ARADIA: an interesting detail? alm0st all 0f them, the gamefaq guides that is, that have been infecting my visual interface
ARADIA: have apparently been guides f0r sburb. 0_0
ARADIA: th0ugh 0ne written by the head edit0r of gamebr0 magazine seems to be playing... will be playing?
ARADIA: s0me strange alternative versi0n 0f "the game 0f the year" called "p0ll'nat0r"? 0?0ROXY: well?! com on gurl, dont hold back! tell me sburbs secretz!ARADIA: that's why i was working with calli0pe.
ARADIA: i have only been able to get snapsh0ts. i wish t0 see the full guides.ROXY: well, wut we watin 4? my sis is good, but im literally dah bestest!
ROXY: lets go see the future!ARADIA: we may wish to delay that.ROXY: ... y?ARADIA: dirkb0t exploded, and y0ur r00m is on fire. 0_0ROXY: ... fuk.BIG SIS: did i forget to mention that detail?Maybe you shoulda dealt with the "sparking malfunctioning robot in carpeted room" problem first? Teenagers are dumb. Even the smart ones like you. NOTE: THIS IS A REUPLOADED PAGE! I made such a huge fuck up the first time that I felt I needed to reupload instead of just edit just to let everyone know that they should reread it. Basically, I forgot that Calliope was supposed to be a part of this conversation, so I added her in Also, waiting for new commands. Edit: Well, now I feel like a right wanker! Forgot to link to the Adventure being referenced! mspfa.com/?s=21688&p=1 |
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Post by technotabularium on Sept 17, 2019 4:39:29 GMT
==->Roxy, get a storage container (preferably cylinderical) to contain and splash water on the fire.
Why bother when you have the power of top of the line technology, and more importantly only the crème de la crème in Mother FUCKING SHENANIGANS!!!
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Post by technotabularium on Sept 17, 2019 4:43:43 GMT
==->
BIG SIS, why you always gotta act like MOM?! Cause that's TOTES what's going on here!!! Remember when you said your RELATIONSHIP with your MOM was COMPLICATED? Dangerous shitty "TESTS" like these is why! Not only was she totes a GENIUS of the HIGHEST CALIBER, but she's one of those few freaks that is capable of fully utilizing her ECHELADDER. And BIG SIS adores her and TOTES EMULATES her. She's constantly TESTING you PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY whenever she sees the opportunity (like BIG SIS apparently saw in this fire). She'd never actually hurt you herself, and she had COMPLETE CONFIDENCE in whatever SAFETY MEASURES she set up to keep you out of REAL DANGER, but DAMN IT IT'S SO DAMN ANNOYING! And DANGEROUS!
==->  Except you actually like DANGER; what you totes AIN'T KOSHER with is having your day FUCKED UP because your TWO THRILL-SEEKING WANNABE YODA GUARDIANS refused to react to CRISES like NORMAL PEOPLE in favor of going all MR. MIYAGI on your ass! Like right now! A SKAIA DAMNED FIRE started in your room while you, BIG SIS, and your MOIRAIL were engrossed in your SHOP TALK. However, BIG SIS is not only an AI, but the AI in control of your HOUSE. No way she didn't know of the CARPET FIRE when it first started and could have easily dealt long before your current, FIRE RETARDANT FOAM COVERED SITUATION was at all needed. "did i forget to mention that detail? ^U~ " your SHAPELY EPIC GAMR GURL AZZ!!!!! Instead? BIG SIS decided to test your "BATTLEFIELD AWARENESS"! Notice the DEVELOPING FIRE before it got to be too much, and she'd deal with it using the appropriate amount of FOAM You failed to notice the fire, so enticed by the idea of PROPHETIC SHITTY ASCII IMAGES FROM THE FUTURE, and so now your PUNISHMENT is you current FOAMY PRISON.
==->
 You aren't MAD. BIG SIS is MAD!
==->
 HOES MAD! |
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"
Hohoho! What's this now kid? seems the shenanigans have already begun for you and your fleshy cohort! 
!!!!!!!!"
