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Post by Sp00kyrex on Sept 2, 2017 6:07:18 GMT
>Caveguy: No don't do that.Ok yeah you have to get your head out of the dirt.
It's getting pretty hard to breathe down there considering you can't breathe soil. Maybe one day you can make the innovation and succeed where others failed.
Oh wow, you're really stuck in there aren't you? Gonna need to apply some real FORCE if you want to get out of the hole you've dug yourself in. >Caveguy: Apply F O R C E.Whup there you go.
Seems you applied so much force you were pushed off-screen. You really shouldn't have underestimated your strength like that, but you have and now you must face the consequences of your actions. >Caveguy: Rise up (off the ground).You proceed to rise up in as nonchalantly and as undramatic a way as possible.
Hey why's it still dark?
Is it night time again already? >Caveguy: Realize you have been consumed the deepest cracks of the netherworld. Their tendrils curl deep and do not let go easily. Accept your fate and submit to them.N-NO!
YOU ARE A FREE MAN! FREE MEN DO NOT SUBMIT TO ELDRITCH HORRORS.
YOU'RE NO WIMP.
WHO'S CRYING? NOT YOU THAT'S WHO.
(YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME WHERE YOU ALMOST DIED OR THAT OTHER TIME WHERE YOU ALMOST DIED. THE POINT IS THAT DEATH SEEMS TO LURK WHEN YOU ARE IN DANGER AND THAT MAKES YOU METAPHORICALLY AND NOT LITERALLY WET YOURSELF. NOW THAT YOU THINK OF IT, THIS IS A REALLY LONG THOUGHT TANGENT AND IT IS MAKING YOU EVEN MORE NERVOUS. IT'S BASICALLY JUST A BLOCK OF PURE YELLING AT THIS POINT WITH NO REAL SUBSTANCE; ANY OF THAT LEAKED OUT SENTENCES AGO WHEN YOUR MIND STARTED FLIPPING OUT ABOUT CAPITAL LETTERS INSTEAD OF THE LECHEROUS THING ON YOUR FACE. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT BY THE WAY. JUST A THOUGHT.) >Caveguy: Stop flipping out about capital letters and start flipping out about that thing on your face.Good idea.
Gotta stay on track y'know? Keep productive. >Egg: DECEARING.You don't know what that means but sure.
It's probably that. Uh... assuming that's an adjective?
It's best not to dwell on these complex philosophical quandaries. Not everyone can be a psychiatrist, and you aren't about to dedicate the college years to studying that kind of degree. You also aren't going to dedicate the years to inventing college. Gotta have a solid governmental foundation before you hop on that pony.
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Post by Wessolf27 on Sept 2, 2017 14:02:06 GMT
>Cave Guy: Grapple that thing! Grab hold with it as if life depended on you getting it off!
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Sept 5, 2017 5:03:26 GMT
>Caveguy: Grapple that thing! Grab hold with it as if life depended on you getting it off! You just barely manage to tear the thing off your face before you were consumed whole. Good job on the quick reflexes!
Hrmmm.
It seems upon closer inspection that this pile of stuff is not actually hostile in any capacity. Or alive. It seems to be some sort of well sewn cloth, possibly of the fashionable variety.
You wonder what it was doing buried in the ground though... >Caveguy: R E M E M B E R.Ah yes you think your noggin is starting to put the pieces back together...
You recall what the mediocrely written note told you...
"Find the pod, and get to Mom. I've put rations in this bag along with my hat (not the stupid jewelry). I couldn't fit the other clothes in the bag so I hid them under a patch of dirt nearby. Hopefully you find them. If you don't please put something on before you see Mom. Please."
So these must be the garments of legend then. Your luck in finding them is unsurprising to you, considering the sheer amount of good fortune that has fallen your way. Really it was only a matter of time, and, in this case, it appears time was on your side! Regardless you now know what you must do... >Egg can: Continue to burn.What?
Oh right that sure is in a perpetually inflammatory state you do observe. You think you might have to do something about that soon. >Caveguy: Reap your eggy reward.Oh wow that is *cough* s m o k i n g.
You better do something or you might get lung cancer or something. And trust you; No one wants to be the victim of egg induced lung cancer. That's the worst kind. >Caveguy: Wear newfound clothes to prove your worth.Hey wow you can breathe again!
Kinda.
Unfortunately, despite their air distilling properties, the clothes are starting to kind of starting to reek of egg smoke...
It's... it's pretty rank, your're gonna be frank.
Guess that's what happens when you don't invest your scientific pursuits in the development of high-grade gas mask technology. This is completely your fault.
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Sept 11, 2017 4:58:22 GMT
>MSPFA Reader: Right-click on Caveguy to view his STAT SCREEN. The threat of asphyxiation means nothing to the all-powerful Caveguy, so you decide now is the optimal time to review your STAT SCREEN.
Unfortunately for you, the inquisitive MSPFA Reader, Caveguy is not innately right-clickable.
Instead you are greeted with a somewhat mediocre looking OPTIONS MENU. Wow this is really barebones looking. From here you can only see the TECH TREE button, the SETTINGS button, and the EXIT GAME button. What the fuck, who designed this? There isn't even a save function. You'd think that any sensible game developer would be baseline sensible enough to put something like that in a game this complex, but no. The thought apparently never crossed their mind. ==>
You close the disappointment that is the OPTIONS MENU. You hope that the developer is able to learn from their very blatant mistakes so they can one day make DECENT games. Sadly this is one game you aren't getting your money back from, cheap as it was. You're gonna have to play through this in one sitting and hope for the best.
That'll teach you to buy from the bargain bin.
>Egg: Vaporize.
The egg is W A Y ahead of you.
You think the cloud of death-smoke got a bit bigger. You aren't sure. You think that you're running out of time to deal with this in a way that prevents you from undue harm, so you better act fast.
>Caveguy: Consume the egg. It's been on your todo list for a while so you should probably do it by now.
You decide that enough is enough. You set out to eat this egg and by god your are going to consume the fuck out of this egg.
Fire or no fire.
>Caveguy: Just sort of go pick the egg up.
You go ahead and just sort of pick up the-
OH SHIT.
WHY IS THIS FIRE SO FLAMMABLE? YOU ARE COMPLETELY TAKEN ABACK BY THIS TERRIFYING REVELATION. OH GOD THIS HURTS SO MUCH AND SO BAD.
>Caveguy: Quick! Eat the egg before your hand burns off! Don't let this be a total loss!
Yes!
You come to the rather clever realization that you can just extinguish the fire that plagues you by eating it and the egg! If your calculations are correct, then you should be able to quell this fire while also having a very delicious molten snack!
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
==>
>Caveguy: Realize burnt eggs are the best thing you've ever ate!
Yeah you made a pretty good call on eating these.
You think this could have ended a lot worse than it did. Luckily your critical thinking skills have come through for you yet again. Thank goodness.
==>
Yeah... a good call.
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Post by Wessolf27 on Sept 11, 2017 13:34:09 GMT
>Caveguy: Make sure you didn't eat your hand in your state of eggy bliss.
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Post by HypergressiveAgent on Sept 12, 2017 0:27:58 GMT
Caveguy: consider the texture of the metal ovum flambe you just ingested. is it pleasing to the palatte?
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Sept 19, 2017 7:28:45 GMT
>Caveguy: Make sure you didn't eat your hand in your state of eggy bliss.No worries.
Your hand remains unscathed. Truly, you are nothing if not resilient.
Unfortunately, the same sentiment can not be said for your mouth. It's pretty fucked up right now. >Caveguy: Consider the texture of the metal ovum flambe you just ingested. Is it pleasing to the palette?Your mouth hurts so goddamn much right now. >Caveguy: Bask in the glory of the eggs. You earned this meal, and everything that came with it.Truly you can say that you have worked to get yourself to this lofty perch. No man, woman, or child would dare say that did not give your unabated effort to get to where you are now (Ok well maybe children would, but they are too young to know better; to know the truth). You have worked so hard and so diligently to make it to this point, you can hardly believe that you are actually here, partaking in this epic moment. History will speak tales of this occasion.
They will say:
Look. That man right there? That paleolithic primitive? He ate an egg.
Need I say more?
This is so beautiful you think it's making you tear up.
No wait, that would be the unrelenting and indescribable pain you are feeling in your mouth. Those things are pretty similar so you can be forgiven for mistaking the two feelings.
Oh well. >Spit out can remains. Bleeding gums are not fun and could get infected.You come to the sensible realization that perhaps keeping the molten meal in your mouth for this long is not the best course of action?
You decide to make the very unfortunate sacrifice and spit out the can before you suffer any long-lasting effects. You aren't sure but you think you spat it out in the nick of time.
Look at you. You're fit as a fiddle!
Truly a model of health and vitality for all to see.
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Post by HypergressiveAgent on Sept 21, 2017 5:13:09 GMT
Blood: extingush fire, splash onto crown
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Sept 25, 2017 1:43:35 GMT
>Blood: Extinguish fire, splash onto crown. Unfortunately (or fortunately? You don't know what the implications would be for a demonic crown being coated in human sacrificial fluid.) you were facing the opposite direction of the backpack housing the crown when you upchucked you blood guts. Additionally, you also seem to have missed the fire as well. You just are not on point right now.
Aside from your very evident accuracy problems, you just sort of fidget about in a pain filled stupor. >Caveguy: Put one of the sleeves in your mouth to absorb blood from your bleeding mouth.Yes yes...
If you put the sleeves of the shirt in your mouth you will be able to slow the bleeding like some sort of improvised gauze...
You're surprised that you aren't a doctor considering you came up with very doctor-like suggestion.
You make a mental note to invent the career of "doctor" so that you may become one later.
At any rate, you don't see any problems with your potential course of action. ==>YOU FOOL.
YOU CANNOT SIMPLY DISGRACE THESE HOLY ROBES WITH YOUR PEASANT BLOOD!!!
Look at you.
Do you think the cut of this cloth was sewn to cater to your grimy pie hole?
No. It was not.
This robe was made to be worn and you will not disgrace it by pompously disregarding its true purpose for your petty needs. You promptly cast aside the idea before it taints your mind any further.
You keep the mental note to become a medical professional though. >Caveguy: Try eating your blood too. You're losing sweet life-energy.The author refuses to draw a grown man eating dirt in a sad attempt to restore his decaying body.
It just isn't happening. >Thing: Keep not happening.The author regrets every second he spent drawing this sad, sad display.
It is just the WORST thing.
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Post by HypergressiveAgent on Sept 25, 2017 23:10:08 GMT
Caveguy: receive new objective; find water
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Post by GreatKaiserNui on Sept 26, 2017 0:20:11 GMT
Caveguy: Regret being conceived.
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Sept 26, 2017 7:01:59 GMT
>Caveguy: ...fulfill good eats?No.
Nothing about these eats are good. >Mama bird: AID YOUR MASTER HE IS DYING! A DEAD MASTER IS DISHONORABLE!It really isn't your place to help him.
He dug his own grave eating your offspring and now he must face the consequences of his actions. ==>
You suppose you aren't REALLY bothered either way if you're being completely honest. This is a eat or be eaten world out here and sometimes people just aren't able to do the simple act of eating even when it brings harm to no one. It's a good thing you are a prepared Ornithomimid, contrary to what your dopey visage would lead others (mainly predators) to perceive. >Mama bird: Showcase preparedness.Sometimes it pays to have genitals capable of discharging more than one single offspring.
You mean seriously. Who would limit themselves to one offspring?
Animals unconcerned with the propagation and subsequent continuation of their species you guess. >Big dino: Wake up!Oh shit nearly forgot about that big fellow right there. >Caveguy: BLUH!!!You are completely bewildered both by the atrociously metallic taste of the dirt which your blood failed to make palatable in any sense of the word and by the sudden awakening of this rude customer.
You aren't sure how you aren't having a heart attack right now.
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Post by HypergressiveAgent on Sept 26, 2017 21:17:32 GMT
Caveguy: check taming status bar. is this giant dino tamed yet?
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Post by eerr on Sept 29, 2017 17:21:38 GMT
>Chill?
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Post by GreatKaiserNui on Sept 29, 2017 21:47:37 GMT
Sargent: Remind everyone we have a Mission here! No more messing around Captain: Compliment Sargent for being such a great asskisser.
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Post by Wessolf27 on Oct 1, 2017 2:55:45 GMT
>Run with your spindly weak legs! Run!!!
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Oct 7, 2017 7:11:37 GMT
>Caveguy: Check taming status bar. Is this giant dino tamed yet? It seems that while you were busy doing stupid stuff that helped no one (especially not yourself) the Gorgosaur tamed completely!
Huh.
You guess you just never got a chance to see the taming bar in action... >Caveguy: Lament lack of taming status bar.You guess any potential the taming bar could have had was wasted by completely ignoring it and subsequently bypassing it.
What a shame that you never got to see the UI in action, quaint as it may have been.
What a shame the author had to painstakingly draw and animate this conceptual piece of shit tame-o-meter or whatever just so it could never be used ever.
What a terrible series of unfortunate events this is.
Why must the world be so cruel? >Caveguy: Wear clothes and bash the plot armor of the big dinosaur open and fudge it to death, you fool!You don't know what the Fuck half of that means but you will do it anyways.
You will wear the clothes of gods and thus elevate yourself up to them.
You have already dismantled the plot armor of the Gorgosaur by making it your metaphorical-but-not-literal bitch.
You will not fudge it to death though. Its submission to you in loyalty is more than sufficient. You will, however, ride this gargantuan behemoth into the sunset like the true badass you are.
Because you are the man. >Caveguy: Try cooking your blood to get those sweet sweet nutrients.You briefly consider cooking the blood dirt to make it more palatable so that you may recover lost nutrients, but before you can go through with that predictably foolish idea,
you are alerted to a nearby presence.
You decide to do the right thing and look over your shoulder to properly assess said presence. >Caveguy: Look over shoulder.You regret doing that immediately.
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Post by Wessolf27 on Oct 12, 2017 17:38:47 GMT
>Throw your torch at the thing! BURN IT BURN IT LET IT BURN!!
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Oct 15, 2017 21:52:29 GMT
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Post by GreatKaiserNui on Oct 17, 2017 3:52:04 GMT
>Tell him he can repent for his crimes by partnering up. The alternative is death.
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Oct 21, 2017 7:46:23 GMT
>Short guy: Tell bonehead over there that he can repent for his crimes by partnering up. The alternative is death.You aren't really sure that that would go over very well.
You mean, sure, he'd probably agree to join you, but you get the feeling that he has a few tricks up his sleeves that may prove to be of your detriment. At the very least, you know for a fact that he has no tricks up his sleeves in relation to his hands in any discernible capacity.
Well unless you count having every bone in your hand be effortlessly broken as (((a trick))). >Short guy: Consider what to do with the prisoners. You got a crown to search for, but you can't just leave the old lady in there with that bony idiot, can you?You do not know what you will do, but you know it has to be soon.
You'll fucking kill yourself or someone nearby if you don't stop this fucking atrocious gaveling soon (Most likely the latter thing if you're being honest with yourself).
You won't discount the former option though, just in case the situation arises where you need to off yourself later. >Short guy: Lick the couch.Ok first off:
This is a recliner.
Secondly:
no. >Short Guy: Gather information.Ok you figure that you might as well try the good old bad cop and no other cop routine.
You will admit you are running out of usable fingers for this tactic so you may need to shake up your interrogation techniques soon. ==>You seriously do not understand why walking this far has to be such a fucking pain.
Lousy, stupid, goddamned tall people, showing of their """height""" and """stature""" and """ability to walk a short distance without working up a sweat""".
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Post by Wessolf27 on Oct 22, 2017 16:29:48 GMT
>Interrogate the granny. Ask her if she knows about a certain book.
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Oct 23, 2017 5:58:40 GMT
>Short guy: Interrogate the granny. Ask her if she knows about a certain book.You seriously doubt that that old bat has or knows of anything of literary value. What kind of literature would she even have that would be even vaguely relevant to you? A knitting almanac?
The only piece of literature that's of any serious value is safe and sound in your pod, locked tight. The only person who has the code and even knows about it is you and you alone. ==>You seriously doubt that it could at any point be at risk.
There's just no chance. ==>At any rate, you've taken extensive notes as to what information is relevant to you. You wouldn't have made the trip if you hadn't.
Well ok, you probably would have come anyways because if you didn't you would have been blown to shit alongside the rest of humanity. But that's beside the point.
You read the majority of the surviving text, scouring it for any potential piece of relevant information that could point you to a crown. Interestingly enough, the crowns weren't the main topic of the book. It just so happens that they were relevant enough to warrant mentioning in addition to the main subject matter in their own separate chapter. The other chapters have a few passing mentions, but nothing of any substance. The majority of the text doesn't really have much relevance to you either, and probably wouldn't unless you were in possession of technology many degrees more advanced than baseline time-travel. Really you don't think whoever wrote this knew much about the technology involved either, so you'd probably be at a greater level of not understanding than the author, knowledgeable as they seem to be.
The main point is that you've read the relevant information and have pin-pointed at least one crown to this time and location. You also speculate that at least two more of the crowns may have landed nearby as well, but you aren't sure. You've seen one of the potential crowns, but still haven't seen the other.
That one is still an unknown.
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Post by Wessolf27 on Oct 23, 2017 11:49:06 GMT
>Short guy: Ask that skull guy one last time if he's willing to cooperate.
>Mammon: Tell him you've got no idea and you're never going to--
>Something unexpected: Fall into the chamber.
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Post by Sp00kyrex on Oct 30, 2017 7:45:41 GMT
>Short guy: Ask that skull guy one last time if he's willing to cooperate.Short guy: Ok I am going to give you one more chance before I start breaking your shins. Short guy: Tell me where the crown is n o w. >Mammon: Tell him you've got no idea and you're never going to—You are just about to launch a profanity-ridden tirade carefully detailing the precise extent of your knowledge while also heartily protesting the solemn state of your entire hand when something odd catches your eye. >Something unexpected: Fall into the chamber.Short guy: Ok. Short guy: I'm gonna snap your fucking shins you mumbling corpse. Short guy: I seriously do not want to deal with you anymore. ==>Short guy: I've been fair and given you more than enough chan- Short guy: Wait what was that noise? >Short guy, Mammon, and Old lady: Divert attention to mysterious object.Uh...
It seems to be some sort of floating...
Thing... >Be the mystery person.Ok but only for a little bit.
You've gone ahead and obtained the book you were looking for. It was just about where you expected it to be, so that part of the plan's gone on without a hitch.
You were just about to replace it with a fresh copy when you hear a new alert on your suit HUD. >Mystery person: Check HUD.Ah, yes.
It seems that the Glutton has finally given chase to the holder of the Beaten fragment.
He's got a ways to go before he actually puts the thing on and finishes his ownership transformation, but that's fine.
Everything in its own time.
This does, however mean that you have to initiate the next step of your plan. You've set up two drones just for this occasion. Now it's just up to you to deploy them. >Mystery person: Deploy Dazen Drones.You go ahead and take out the radio for the drones. It's a bit shoddy in quality, but you guess that's what happens when you build everything by hand in like 75,000,000 BCE times.
Both switches are already set and synced to the drones.
All you have to do is press the big red button. >Mystery person: Hit that red-motherfucking-like button.Ok well, this thing doesn't have social media capabilities because that would be fucking stupid. Who would you even talk to? A walnut-brained Argentinosaur?
Well you're about 18 million years too late and a continent off, numbnuts. Think again.
You press the button anyways because you don't let dumb thoughts keep you from doing smart things.
The drones have been unleashed. >Dazen Drones: Deploy.>Everyone: Experience crippling ear pain.This is the worst sounding noise since [Insert eligible shit-taste band/song here].
*badum-tssh*
Ha ha ha but really folks, this sounds fucking soul-rending and everyone listening is now pleading for a swift death.
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