A young lady stands in her bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is the day before this young lady's birthday. Though it was twelve years ago she was given life, it is only today she will be given a name!
What will the name of this young lady be?
Your name is IZZY. As was previously mentioned it is the day before your BIRTHDAY. Despite such a momentous occasion coming within the next few hours, you and your FAMILY have not been decorating as much as you think you should. Birthdays only come once a year, after all. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a fondness of OCTOPI, even owning one as a PET. You own an XBOX 360 and occasionally play NARUTO GAMES BY YOURSELF. You also like SHITTY VAMPIRE MOVIES, specifically for the hottest HUNK OF MEAT ever to grace the planet, ROBERT PATTINSON.
This poor squiddle, sitting on your bed all by his lonesome!
You always feel bad that he doesn't have a buddy yet, but you originally bought him for your pet Octopus, Sprinkles. Sprinkles is kind of a dick, though, and refused to play with the plush. Even when you rubbed it in tuna! Such a picky boy he is....
Um... Ew. He still smells like fishy business.
Maybe one day you'll get an actual friend for Sir Julian Deathbringer.
He really, REALLY, does not like being in it. Even though you put so much blood, sweat, and tears into making it perfect for him. All those nights spent up before you got him, just you and Poppa sitting together in his garage, designing amazingly impossible ideas.
Now you just sort of keep the top off, so he can freely walk around the house, as if he owns the place.
Which, let's face it, he practically does.
Inside of it is a FOOD BOWL, some NICE SALTY WATER, SAND, and a TROPICAL FLOWER your mother brought home after one of her many vacations!
Well, no reason to keep it there, might as well grab the CAPTCHALOGUE CARD. Maybe you left something important in it?
Maybe POPPA has something to help you in his GARAGE? You're not usually supposed to go in there, but this is very important. Very, very important. So important you're willing to sell your first child to the OCTO OVERLORD himself to retriever this card.
They include some not-so-baby times, but hey, semantics.
Your memory of the top one is fuzzy, but the right one you remember all too well. It was your sixth birthday, your PARENTS wanted to take a family picture, but all you wanted was to go home and play on your GAMEBOY ADVANCE. So, being the little shit you were, you were sobbing the entire time. You feel sort of bad that you put your parents through that now, but back then it was such an important thing that you play on the newest game system given to you. And, to be fair, you had gotten MARIO 3 with it, and Mario is wicked cool.
The one on the left is of just a few years ago! It was the happiest day of your life. The day MOMMA brought Spinkles home. It's still one of your favourite memories, seeing him in all his squishy glory, him wrapping his soft tentacles around you in an embrace. Even reminiscing can bring a tear to your eye.
And the final one is the very first picture you ever took by yourself! It was taken on a vacation your MOMMA brought you on to Italy. You wanted to remember how pretty it was, so you asked her to let you take a picture with her special CAMERA, and she let you! To this day, you're happy she let you. It helps tie all the other pictures of your youth together.
IZZY: Gaze upon dolls glory.
You don't really want to do that, since you hate this dumb thing.
This used to be YOUR corner, but now it's haunted by this godforsaken haunted doll your mother bought. You wish you could rip it apawhO THE FUCK IS THAT.
One of your parents seems to of come home, and forgot their key. You're not about to jeopordize the MISSION right now by getting caught up in pleasant conversation with them.
You're outie 500, man!
Alright, since the front door has been compromised, you'll have to use the side one to get into POPPA's garage. That's no biggie. At least you'll avoid potentially spending hours upon hours chatting it up with whoever was at the door.
It looks like your mother was preparing a new floral arrangement before she went to work earlier.
It looks pretty rad, but you didn't say that. Nope nope. 'cause flowers are for 'normies'
There also seems to be a POSTER and a PRESENT just lying around. You have no idea what the POSTER is for, but you know, for fact, that present is for you.
> IZZY: Captchalogue SWEET LOOT.
You set right on to doing that!
Having a little trouble choosing what to pick up first. However, with your genius level of smart cookie-ness, you end up going for the POSTER first, wanting to have full access to your present in the near future.
Honestly, is anyone smarter than you? Probably not. You have such good FORETHOUGHT, it's almost as if you're a fortune teller.
There we go! All safe in your STACK MODUS.
> IZZY: Wear WATERMELON as hat.
Ha! As if you'd ever do that. That's jsut a stupid thought, made in passing, ob- ...
> IZZY: Question your own sanity.
What's there to question?
You're jsut wearing this WATERMELON VASE because you have full control over your own impulses. It makes a fabulous hat, and says that you are a fashion forward soon-to-be-teenager with everything going right in her life.
You will never regret any of the choices you have made in the passed minute.
You take it all back. Your life is a mess and you want to die.
-- superbadassCaprisuns [SC] began pestering octadOrchid [OO] at 19:32 --
SC: Izzy have you seen what's going on? The news is blowing up. SC: You have watched it today, correct? OO: ummmmm nooooo OO: why would i??? OO: im not like OO: 80 OO: do you think im 80 sc??? SC: No I do not -- I just. SC: I'm worried about you, is all. OO: what the heck is there to be worried about??? SC: Are. Are you for real. SC: You can't be. SC: Even if you have not read or watched any of today's news stories, you must be aware of the catastrophe going on? SC: Right? OO: ummmmmmmmmmmmmm OO: no??? OO: why whats going on OO: is it an earthquake or something???
OO: WHAT THE EVER LOVING CHRIST OO: AN EXPLOSION JUST HAPPENED LIKE OO: RIGHT NEAR MY HOUSE??? OO: ARE WE UNDER ATTACK SC: Not necessarily. OO: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN OO: I AM FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW SC OO: YOU BETTER TELL ME WHATS GOING ON MAN SC: I will, if you'd allow me a moment to type. OO: .... ok im sorry im OO: ill stop OO: and instead cry irl SC: Okay, just don't cry too much.
SC: What caused your freak out was, more than likely considering the sky is filled with them, a Meteor. OO: a meteor??? SC: Yes. SC: It appears as though an array of previously unidentified meteorites have suddenly come crashing to the earth, targeting densely populated areas. SC: Causing wide-spread mayhem and destruction. SC: I theorize this phenomena, not recorded prior to this year, was caused by something very new to our world. SC: Sburb.
SC: I've done extensive research on this subject since the metorites starting hitting the planet, approximately four hours ago. SC: The game of Sburb is a deadly game, that can and will kill you, and everyone you love, if you are unable to understand it without any instructions, guides, or hints. SC: One of the houses down my street was struck not so long ago, SC: In short, SC: One of your neighbours is either dead, SC: Or has entered the game world of Sburb. OO: um OO: wow thats OO: thats heavy man OO: and kinda of messed up to think about SC: Indeed. SC: I wish it were something else. Like a earthquake, as previously speculated. SC: However the reality of the matter is that the planet is doomed.
SC: And now to where I wanted to start off, before you interrupted me. OO: sorry SC: It's fine. You like talking. I appreciate that. SC: Ahem. SC: Do you have a copy of Sburb, by any chance? OO: ...... OO: no....... SC: Well. OO: yeah.... OO: i didnt wanna get it cause it looked dumb !!! OO: NOW I REGRET EVERYTHING EVEN MORE THAN BEFORE SC: Before? OO: dont ask man OO: i fucked up OO: we dont talk about when i fuck up SC: Understood. SC: It's a shame you do not have a copy. SC: Do you suppose there is a way for you to acquire it? OO: not unless gamestop is open during the goshdarned apocalypse SC: Oh. Right. That was a dumb question. OO: yes OO: yes it was OO: why dont you try asking alice??? OO: i think i remember her saying she was going to get it with her allowance money SC: .... SC: I'd rather not. OO: whaaaaat??? whyyyyyyyy SC: She scares me. OO: . OO: LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-- octadOrchid [OO] ceased pestering superbadassCaprisuns [SC] at 19:46 --
> IZZY: Contemplate inevitable doom.
You.... Really aren't sure what to make of this. The world is ending. Because of a Video Game. You knew this day would come, but you hoped it wouldn't be in your lifetime.
Despite laughing at SC in text just a second ago, you don't think you could really laugh out loud right this moment.
If this were just a moment ago, you would have done something tedious, like filling your SYLLADEX up with random crap just to get your present back. However, times are tough, and you're going to die today, so what's even the point?
You'll just eject everything.
>IZZY: Message SC back and tell him the good news.
-- octadOrchid [OO] began pestering superbadassCaprisuns [SC] at 19:50 --
OO: sc sc sc sc sc sc OO: holy heck OO: HOLY HECK OO: you will not believe this OO: serendipidous shit right up in here man OO: its OO: so awesmazing OO: my parents got me sburb for my birthday !!! OO: its like so OO: so so good OO: so i have a copy now !!! OO: we can play together !!! OO: sc??? OO: dude?? OO: are you ok OO: usually after five messages from me you respond OO: even if youre offline OO: sc OO: for real OO: please answer me OO: im getting really scared now OO: like OO: are you okay??? OO: i know you said a meteor hit a place near you but??? OO: oh god OO: oh shit OO: oh fuck OO: sc OO: sc please OO: please OO: answer me
-- bloodQueenium [BQ] began pestering octadOrchid [OO] at 19:51 --
BQ: Oh-Em-Gee. BQ: Happy Birthday, girl! BQ: I know I'm early, but like, you're my most important friend so! BQ: ... BQ: Hello? OO: ALICE OO: hi.... BQ: Whoa. BQ: What's up? BQ: You seem sad. OO: i am... OO: i think sc is dead OO: and im gonna die and OO: i cant handle anything right no w BQ: Oh shit SC? BQ: I was just talking to him, and he seemed fine? OO: i just tried messagining him but he wouldnt answer an d im so scared and worried BQ: Aww geez. He told you about the Sburb stuff, huh? OO: nyes.... BQ: It's scary, I know. BQ: He even tried to get me to play it with him, but then he stopped responding. BQ: I thought he just lost connection. BQ: So, er, yeah. BQ: He's probably dead. OO: yoURE NOT HELPING BQ: Sorry. OO: whatever.... OO: you have sburb then BQ: Mhmm. I sure do. BQ: SC told me you didn't have it, though? BQ: Did you go to Gamestop in the middle of the apocalypse. BQ: That is badass. OO: noooooooooo OO: i got it in my birthday present OO: which i opened early OO: cause i figured i was going to die BQ: Now you're not going to! BQ: Yaaay! OO: yay BQ: Oh stop being a sour puss. BQ: So what if SC is dead? BQ: He's such a weenie he would've died within a year anyway. OO: THATS MEAN BQ: So? OO: dont be mean to the dead alice BQ: Ugh. Fine. OO: im OO: gonna get back up to my room OO: my mission is over BQ: Mission? BQ: OH. BQ: Did you finally find that Sylladex Card I left under your bed? OO: THAT WAS YOU BQ: HeartHeartHeart.
-- bloodQueenium [BQ] ceased pestering octadOrchid [OO] at 20:12 --
After that talk with Alice, you're feeling sort of better.
>IZZY: Give up.
You're not ready to give up yet!
SC may be dead, but you are going to live, and you're going to make sure Alice does, too!
You can feel your blood pumping with a newfound will to live! From this day on, you will no longer allow yourself to get caught up in the ridiculous idea that you will die before the ripe old age of 35!
Since you're feeling better, you might as well work toward your MISSION again. After all, it's what SC would've wanted. For you to get some sweet loot.
He was a loot fiend, in the end. This is what his legacy will be for now and for always.
Like one of the most handsomest men in the history of the world said in an awesome movie once,
You never know when you'll need Rope.
You do sort of feel like CONNOR MACMANUS with the rope strapped to your person, which pumps you up for your own grand adventure into a scenario that's probably gonna result in the deaths of a lot of people.
>IZZY: Also take jack-in-the-box.
One day, this will save your life. You jsut know it.
Ooor it'll get ejected from your SYLLADEX when you fill it up with more crap.
Either way, in it goes.
>IZZY: Grab a weapon from tool rack.
Having something powerful to defend yourself with would be a smart idea. Who knows what horrors you might face once you're in Sburb? It was advertised as an RPG, after all.
You have dubbed the one in a suit Earl Grey, duke of Paintington. The other, who you couldn't think up a good pun name for, will temporarily be known as Grayson. You know, for the sake of keeping with her theme.
==> You also stick them into your sylladex, for safe keeping. They are your new friends, after all. You'd hate to see them hurt.
>IZZY: Check out portable generator. You're not sure if this thing still works, since your POPPA keeps even junk around for the sake of spare parts. Hopefully you won't be needing a portable power source anytime soon, justin case your hypothesis is correct and it is 100% garbage.
>IZZY: Use bottle jack to get jacked up.
You don't think you could use this to get SWOLE, however it will come in handy for lifting your bed nonetheless.
With the car jack added to your ever growing sylladex, it's about time to skedaddle back on up to your room!
You sort of got sidetracked, forgetting our impending doom should you dilly dally for too long.
Aw man. I bet he's going to want to teach you some helpful but extremely tedious life skill, like how to change your oil, or how to properly sand a bookshelf. Explain to him that the WORLD IS IN GRAVE DANGER and scamper off!
You'll happily deal with small touching, but hugs!? NO WAY, MAN.
> IZZY: Explain situation.
Poppa releases you after a grueling minute of hug torture, filled with the stench of oil and shitty hair gel.
Once you're free, you start explaining to him about what's going on, but you can see it already on his face. He isn't getting it.
> IZZY: Keep trying.
Into more detail you go, emphasizing the words VIDEO GAME, and INEVITABLE DEATH SHOULD YOU NOT PLAY SAID VIDEO GAME.
He has no idea what you're talking about. He has so little idea that he pulls out his wallet, reaching for the money as if you had just asked him to buy you a new game.
Your frustration levels are increasing having to talk to Poppa! He just doesn't get it! At all!
Your lives are in danger, and he's trying to give you MONEY! Money is worthless right now!
>MOMMA: Step in.
You are temporarily Izzy's MOMMA.
You step in, overhearing your daughter's explanation of the game you had bought her for her birthday, and how it links up to her having to use it to save the world. You trust her, she is an incredibly intelligent girl, after all. Such a smart cookie you raised.
You tell her to go on up to her room and get to business. Witnessing a meteor hot a neighbour earlier gave you quite the perspective on what is going down.
> BE IZZY.
You are now Izzy again.
You hug your mother, thanking her for being so amazing at understanding you, before skedaddling back up to your room.
> IZZY: Skedaddle.
You do just that! Boy, it sure is nice to be back up here, even though it's only been maaaybe an hour since you left. Time sure does fly!
> IZZY: Complete mission.
Under goes the CAR JACK.
And in goes the card Alice left you!
She's such an asshole sometimes. Leaving things in your house for you to deal with in the future during the ONE TIME she could actually come and visit you from across the country.
> IZZY: Check out what Alice left you.
It's... Certainly unique.
You're not sure what to make of this weird FROG TROPHY. But, hey, it's yours now. At the very least it'll be good sylladex stuffer in case you need to get at your canpanions or Jack-in-the-Box.