A Lack Of Jelly

Apparently, you've got a few things you could use, if you were feeling very, very desperate. You've got:

- A jar of kiwi juice
- A jar of crushed pumpkin
- Two jars of what are apparently crushed cans
- A jar of what's either watermelon juice or liquefied pizza, which is a risk you don't really feel like taking, and:
- A jar of tomato sauce.

You can't tell what's in the other three jars because of how badly they're positioned on the ground, but you've also got a jar of air in your hand and the jar of peanut butter on the table.

You put the peanut butter and emptiness sandwich in the fridge and get to checking your employment status.
Employment...
Employment...

Yep! Everything checks out. You're still the rat farm tour guide you've been for the past three years. Three completely normal years for a completely normal rat farm tour guide such as yourself.

Hmm... According to this, the basement should be... in there, through there, through that, open the door, and there. It makes perfect sense.

Jam? Jam doesn't spawn in basements. Jam is made from crushed fruit, which is why it tastes kind of chunky.

Jelly, on the other hand, does. Jelly just sort of magically appears in basements. No one knows how, and no one is willing to ask. Everyone just accepts it.

Many of the major jelly producers try to keep this secret, building factories to synthesize fake jelly from fruit juice and saying things like 'oh, you must have forgotten you put it there' and 'what, you think jelly can teleport?' when asked why jelly keeps appearing in peoples' basements.

However, those are all facades for their real method of production.

If you look under any jelly production facility- and you mean really look- you'll find their secret. Hundreds of kilometres of basement, stretching on and on into infinity, rigged with pressure sensors and conveyor belts to transport any jelly that should appear to a central refining point.

In this central point, the jars of jelly are cleaned, smoothed, and relabeled into lies. Lies that tell of places such as the Sunny Valley Blackberry Farm, or the Golden Field Ranch. None of them mentioning the basements, the infinite basements hard at work creating and cultivating jars and jars of jelly so that each might sell for a few dollars each, paying for the cost of the robotic mechanisms that streamline the process.

Anyway, here's your basement. It's the exact same as the day you moved in, with the door and the boxes and the pentacle in the middle that you've been too scared to touch.

Yep. These certainly are your legs. They've served you well over the years, primarily by being constantly visible and not requiring any actions concerning the retrieval of legs. They're covered by your Generic Pants™, and are currently feeling slightly cold.
There's also the small matter of one of them being red, but this seems to be more of a discoloration thing as opposed to an injury thing, so you aren't too worried.

You take a step back from the pentacle and take a better look at your leg. You're not entirely clear on what's going on here, but it's unusual. And as things that are usual don't involve the spontaneous appearance of jelly, it stands to reason that this, an unusual thing, could involve the spontaneous appearance of jelly. So it's good!
Right?
...right?

What do you look like, a professional box mover?

Because that's exactly what you wanted to be when you grew up, and you still seem to have the skills.

Box Throwing 101: A Beginner's Guide
Sometimes, you will find yourself in a situation where it is necessary to throw a box. Do not panic! Simply:
1. Pick up the box.
2. Throw the box.
3. Done!

Aren't boxes... supposed to be affected by gravity? Gravity is a thing, right? You didn't obey nonexistent laws since the day you were born?

Box Throwing 102: A Slightly-More-Than-Beginner's Guide
Sometimes, you will find yourself in a situation where a box will refuse to be affected by gravity. Do not panic! Simply:
1. Wait for the box to see the error of its ways.
2. Reward the box for being a good laws-of-physics following box.
3. Done!

This is a flagrant violation of the laws of gravity. Where's the gravity cops and their gravity jail when you need them? You can't just stand there and let gravity crimes go by unpunished.

...
This has been in your basement for three years without this happening.

This is the happiest you have felt today. It's kind of worrying.

Hold that thought. Someone's calling you.

You get your phone out of your pocket. Unknown caller, apparently. Maybe it'll be a scammer trying to sell you cut-rate jelly. Too bad for them, you're a jelly expert and know to hold out for the superior, basement-spawned product.

hello?
Excuse me, are you an employee of the BluHill rat farm?
yes, why?

Your inventory is very simple. It consists of patches, sewn onto your clothes, that automatically change texture and color to match whatever material they are placed on. You can place anything into these patches, with a few restrictions: the objects being placed must be able to fit entirely into the patches or else they will stick out, the objects must not be able to pass through the material of the patches, or else they will fall out, and the objects must be physical objects. The patches also change mass to account for the objects' weights. It's unclear exactly how they differ from ordinary pockets, and you tend to call them that anyway, but the guy on the street who sold them to you assured you that they were special.

This is the police.
We have reason to believe you may be involved in the... 'incident' that occurred at the BluHill rat farm today.
i didn't do it.
That may be the case, but we cannot be completely sure yet. Anything is possible.
i'm telling you, i didn't do it. i've got no idea what you're talking about.
You don't know anything about what happened today?
i'm telling you.
i didn't let any children into the rat enclosures.
What makes you think children were involved?
um
nothing.
...I'm going to need you at the station in an hour.

They definitely think you did it.

That... depends on your definition of innocent. It's easier to tell the whole story, though.
So first, you were taking some children through the rat farm, showing them how adorable and interesting rats can be, when you came to the point on the tour where people went into the rat enclosures.
The children were okay with this!

It was all going perfectly until the children's parents arrived. They, for some unknown reason, took offense to the fact that their children were inside the rat enclosures. Even though the door was obviously unlatched.

They then started humiliating you and heaping abuse on you, seemingly ignorant to the fact that their children had been perfectly willing to go inside and interact with the rats.
When they started pulling out the truly nasty words, such as 'human rights violations' and 'restraining order', you made your hasty getaway.

Then, apparently, instead of getting in touch with you through the BluHill rat farm's website, they decided to involve some angry police dude with a pompadour.