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Post by Nero on May 25, 2016 11:03:55 GMT
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Because who wants to click dozens of times when you can scroll?
So basically I'll just dump everything here and then ask for the thread to be locked.
It will take me about half an hour SEVERAL DAYS to reformat everything, because for some reason somebody once thought BBCode was a good forum format.
You can stay and post anything you want.
Also there was originally going to be a part where I said 'this is probably against regulation so i'll have to finish it before the mod team notices' But I realized it wasn't really against regulation, so I kept it out. But then it actually was. So here we are.
 You are JUST A NORMAL GUY. With NORMAL GUY interests. Books. You like books. You're a BOOKS ENTHUSIAST. You're a little into SCIENCE STUFF, but not really you guess. Right now, you are UNEMPLOYED. You can barely afford to buy anything. You want to get a job soon, so you can start buying things. The thrills of capitalism. But even in UNEMPLOYMENT, you are blessed. Blessed with the grace of ABSOLUTE FREEDOM. You truly feel that you can do ANYTHING you want, ANYTIME you want.  But even with ABSOLUTE FREEDOM, you're not above the influence of human needs. You notice your throat feeling a little dry. Just kidding, your throat is VERY DRY. Right now, you are INCREDIBLY THIRSTY. So thirsty that you could DIE. At least in theory. What will you do?  The GLASS OF WATER is cold to the touch. Colder than you expected. It also feels somewhat light. LIGHTER than you expected. You take the time to feel the grooves of the GLASS. It feels like METAL.  And with a simple FLICK of the wrist...  You have created a FIRE. A tiny, baby FIRE. This was not a GLASS OF WATER at all, more like the opposite. It was a METAL OF FIRE. A Zippo Lighter. You can flick it open. You now have a LIGHTER. Recalling your knowledge of lighters. They contain, and are fueled by LIGHTER FUEL. Which is not at all non-toxic. Because it's toxic. You can't drink lighter fuel. Unless you want to die, and you don't. You don't even know how to extract LIGHTER FUEL from a LIGHTER. But that's a story for another time.  You flick the lighter shut with ease. Great ease. No ease greater than these, ease enough to break your knees. You should always eat your peas. Trouble always comes in threes. Congratulations, you are still thirsty.  You are a thirsty man who has recently acquired GREAT FIREPOWER. What else can you do with a lighter? Other than to demonstrate your ABSOLUTE FREEDOM? And what better way can you demonstrate your freedom apart from BURNING THINGS? You justify that even a NORMAL GUY can do silly things once in a while. You're a grownup. You can do that. Besides, let's consider this a science experiment. You scout for expendable pieces furniture within the room. Within your sight there is a TABLE, a BRITTLE WINDOW, a WALL COMPUTER, a FLIGHT OF STAIRS, and a CABINET. You settle for the CABINET, arguably the most expendable object in your humble abode. That doesn't say much. Almost everything in your apartment is just as expendable.  LIGHTER..  Meet CABINET.  You try to set the CABINET on fire..  But it refused..  It appears that no amount of TINGINGS can burn this CABINET down.
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Post by Nero on May 25, 2016 11:09:52 GMT
But of course it won't burn down. Your CABINET is made of metal, you big dummy. Metal isn't flammable. So you can't burn the CABINET no matter how hard you try. Cabinets are for papers and thingies, not for burning. At least in theory. Your RIGHT ARM gets TIRED trying to burn the thing down. But you're UNEMPLOYED, so you're used to TIRING your RIGHT ARM anyway.
That's enough CABINET BURNING for now.
It's time to put the LIGHTER away.
You put your LIGHTER in your LEFT POCKET, but SOMETHING falls out, and lands under the TABLE. You consider buying bigger pockets once you get enough money. You hope the SOMETHING under the table isn't too important, because you're just about to go get some water.
Ruh oh. You feel weak. You feel your body getting weaker by the second
You need to DRINK some water NOW. If this thirst is not QUENCHED, you will pass out. Then die. You begin to feel dizzy, and disoriented. You fear the worst to happen if this goes on any longer.
You can barely keep your balance.
Normally, you'd prefer to JAUNT over to the first floor. Normally.
But this isn't a normal situation, and you settle with LIMPING instead.
You hear a notice from your WALL COMPUTER. Someone is messaging you.
You guess you'll just have to check it out once you're not imminently dying.
You begin to LIMP your way onto the STAIRWELL. Like some sort of cripple.
Each step is more difficult than the last.
You reach the STAIRWELL, and take a good look at the obstacle in front of you.
The sight of the STAIRWELL makes you quiver.
You were quivering before, but now you're just quivering times two.
Well, it's just about FIFTEEN steps. That's three FIVES. It can't be that bad, can it?
It's not like you're going to somehow slip and fall down. Heh. That would be devastating. And highly unlikely.
Besides, nobody gets seriously hurt from falling down fifteen steps, do they?
Unless you break your neck. Or spine.. Which uh, can't possibly happen.
Well, there's only one thing left to die. Er, do. One thing left to do.
((bbcode is shit mspfanventures.com/?s=13116&p=24))
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Post by Nero on May 25, 2016 11:19:37 GMT
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Post by Nero on May 25, 2016 11:25:45 GMT
Okay. You have to get up. You have to get up RIGHT NOW.
![]()
Your palms are sweating, your LEFT KNEE is limp, your arms are too heavy for you to crawl anywhere.
Huh. You're feeling a bit drowsy today.
If only you could just..
Close your eyes for a bit..
You are now UNCONSCIOUS.
You are a man blessed with the grace of absolute freedom.
You have always felt that you could do anything you want, anytime you want.
What is your name?
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Post by Nero on May 25, 2016 11:29:40 GMT
Enter name. Your name is MARK FREEMAN. It was NINETEEN years ago you were brought to this world. You CONSIDER yourself an AVID READER. Consider. Ever since you were a child you have been always FASCINATED by SCIENCE. Although you never bothered learning anything science-related because you are a LAZY BUM. You just like the prospect, you guess. Well, at least now you might have the chance to learn about THERMODYNAMICS.  You are too UNCONSCIOUS to wake up. In fact, so UNCONSCIOUS that you can no longer continue to be this character right now. In the absence of playable characters within the IMMEDIATE VICINITY, you are forced to take control of a certain THEORETICAL PHYSICIST.  You are now ALBERT EINSTEIN. And as mentioned before, a renowned THEORETICAL PHYSICIST. You used to be GERMAN. But now you're GERMAN and AMERICAN. You suppose you liked the meritocracy of American culture compared to Europe. You like playing the VIOLIN sometimes. What will you do? You begin to engage in HYPERDRIVE. TIME and SPACE is shifting around you. You start to slowly accelerate to the SPEED OF LIGHT.  But of course you don't. You're dead. You've been dead for more than SIXTY YEARS. And time travel isn't a real thing. It is, but only at the constant speed of ONE second, PER SECOND. And that's relatively slow. And you know this. You're the grand-daddy of RELATIVITY. This is silly. Being dead is boring. It's about time you start being somebody who's a little more alive. But who..?   This guy. You are now THIS GUY.  A young man stands in his bedroom. A poster of a waving, older, blacker, man just behind him. Music is heard blasting from a laptop. You have good taste and you know it. Everything is just great. You couldn't ask for a better Saturday afternoon. Your PRIMARY HUMAN NEEDS are all on optimal levels, and you are eager to start your day. Today is going to be another DANK day in the life of.. In the life of.. What was your name again? |
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Post by Nero on May 25, 2016 11:55:30 GMT
Dude Pepe Dudemeister III! That's what you wish your name was. Either that, or XXX_Mus1cL0rd0fPepes6699_XXX.You've always thought about legally changing your name to something cooler like that. But you already have a BADASS name, and it's..
our name is JAMES. As previously mentioned you are just getting ready to start your afternoon.
You have been waiting for a delivery. One you ordered not a while ago. And boy, do you have a BURNING PASSION for MEMES. You regard yourself as a CONNOISEUR of the DANKEST VARIETY. FRESH memes, STALE memes, but out of them all you love FRESHLY STALE memes the most.
You have a MYRIAD of MEMETIC POSTERS littered across your bedroom walls. You maintain a successful content aggregator WEBSITE. You are a big fan of ANTHROPOLOGY, of the cultural branch rather than social. Though in practice there is practically no difference between the two. You like to DIGITALLY PRODUCE music sometimes, but you are TERRIBLE at composing pieces.
What will you do?
BBBRRRRR.. ABAADOOOOO!
YOUR TIME IS UP, MY TIME IS NOW.
YOU CAN'T SEE ME, MY TIME IS NOW.
You are proud of this custom-made poster. Edited by none other than YOURSELF.
You are hell-bent on keeping JOHN CENA's legacy alive. This meme will never die.
The CUPBOARD is LOCKED and requires a KEY. But you are sure it contains MEDICAL SUPPLIES, ARMS, and RETIRED MEMES.
You are sure there are other useful things inside. You don't remember why you keep this locked!
You tear away the layers of PROTECTIVE LAYERING from the BRITTLE GLASS window. Brittle Glass™. The cheapest brand of FRAGILE GLASS. Easily breakable, easily replaceable. Over the span of a year, you convinced almost all of your friends to use it.
Behold! The field in which you grow your fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren.
There is nothing in your FRONT YARD other than a MAILBOX, and a TRASHBIN. Is that.. a lizard? Strange.
You wear the PLUSH SMILEY on your head, like a hat! Except it's not a hat. It's not even a plush. It's a MASK, that thinks it's a pillow, and identifies as hat-kin. Wow, this mask sure has some huge identity issues. Unlike your DANKTOP. It knows exactly what it is and it's proud of it!
NO! Nothing happens to the piano! This thing cost you a SIZEABLE FORTUNE, and a small loan of a COUPLE DOLLARS to install. True, you had no idea how to play this thing when you first bought it, and you still don't. But you're never going to pass up the opportunity to be a potential MASTER PIANIST one day. You'd rather mess around on your DANKTOP instead.
here comes the tricky part of converting chatlogs may god have mercy on my soul spoilers are now on the left because who cares about consistency |
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Post by Nero on May 25, 2016 12:05:55 GMT
privilegeChecklist [PC] started typing with memeticProportions [MP] at 1:43 PM
PC: Oh PC: My God. MP: AAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY PC: James, you sexist, transphobic, insufferable prick! PC: Why?! PC: Just WHY WOULD YOU POST THAT? MP: hahahahaha MP: ok ok, which one? MP: PpPfpPPPFPFFT MP: like damn that's not even the edgiest img i uploaded on dankolympus. MP: im just tryna make something funny PC: That's not funny. MP: it is PC: It's not. MP: it is MP: and people eat my shit up like candy on the floor PC: Do you have any idea how offensive that is to transsexuals? PC: And nobody NORMAL eats candy from the floor. MP: gee you must be fun at parties MP: i bet you're going to say something like MP: 'oh no parties are below my pretentious tastes' PC: Have you ever even been to a party in the past three years? MP: whatever. MP: it's my website. i own it and i can post anything i want PC: Sometimes I wonder if you actually enjoy the things that you do PC: Or you really just have nothing better to do in your life. MP: i got lots of great things to do MP: one of it's called being the ADMIN of the best website in the world. MP: hhhhhaaaaaaaaaaiiil to the KING PC: UGHHH. Hey shitlord, if you can't make a joke that's not homophobic, sexist, or racist, or in any way insensitive, you're not actually funny at all MP: but most of my jokes aren't any of those anyway! PC: Half of your jokes are unfunny. MP: yeah and that must mean half of my jokes ARE funny. HMHMMMM??? MP: if like MP: i make 20 jokes per hour, that's like 10 FUNNY JOKES. MP: PER HOUR. PC: Let me rephrase that. Half of your jokes are unfunny. PC: And the other half is just so corny it makes me want to tear my hair out. MP: corny? MP: *achoo* MP: sorry, i'm ALLERGIC to whiny buzzkills. PC: UGGGGHHH.
privilegeChecklist [PC] stopped typing to memeticProportions [MP] at 1:44 PM
You don't know what the deal with that girl is, but she almost always leaves you with a bad taste on your mouth. You mean, the fact that she knows about your latest front-pager must mean that she REGULARLY VISITS Dank Olympus. Which is completely insane! Especially considering how much she just rants about your content. But you're a cool guy, and cool guys don't get flustered by stuck-up buzzkills. You're sure of this. You hear the faint sound of a doorbell ringing.
You pay homage to the poster in front of you. Not that you have ever fallen down the stairs before, or personally know anyone who has, as far as you know. This WALL-MOUNTED STAIR HANDRAIL has made sure you never trip in every trip you've gone up and down the stairs. It's the perfect remedy for fall-down-the-stairs-every-time-you-go-down syndrome. You wager giving a thumbs-up to an imaginary camera but that would be lame. No offense to disabled people.
You find the lack of visual memery in the rest of your house almost disturbing. Though in a way, refreshing. You like the idea of the right balance between the DANK and the MUNDANE. You can't just flood the market with MEMES. It just depreciates its value. It's good to seek refuge from REGULAR LIFE with MEMES, and MEMES with REGULAR LIFE. And.. is that a lizard? Another one. Gross, you'll have to throw it out later before it pees all over your kitchen.
You have been experimenting with MINIMALIST INTERIOR DESIGN. This is what's supposed to be your DINING ROOM. Even though you never actually DINE here. You do, however, print small posters here in your spare time. There is a CRICKET BAT on the dining table. But you don't actually play CRICKET, either. No, you use that bat to mercilessly beat that BODY PILLOW if ever you feel ESPECIALLY STRESSED. The pillow is still in prime condition since you're a chill guy. |
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Post by Nero on May 26, 2016 10:07:32 GMT
 hashtagStarstruck [HS] started typing with memeticProportions [MP] at 1:50 PM
HS: yoooo!
MP: oh hey
HS: anything interesting lately?
MP: a certain someone just ranted to me again
HS: ohhhh.. hehehehehh...
MP: it's always 'james this' 'james that'
MP: seriously it's just getting annoying tbh
HS: uh..
HS: :(
MP: well other than that
MP: i've been seeing lizards around my house lately.
HS: damn, really?
MP: yeah, like lizards the size of your PALMS
MP: but they i think they might be baby lizards
HS: heh, cute baby lizards!
HS: you should try keeping one!
MP: oh hohohho no, they're not cute at all.
MP: they're gross, and not like cool gross like snakes or sumth
MP: i'm going to dispose of em.
HS: :O
HS: like, kill them?
MP: yeah i think i implied that there
HS: wow don't!
HS: they're just babies
HS: think of the mother!
MP: i don't think the mother would care eitherway theyre reptiles.
HS: :(
MP: but
MP: i can like
MP: not kill them
MP: just for you.
HS: aww that's sweet!
MP: well you're kind of a crybaby about it so
HS: hey! >:(
MP: heheheheheheh
MP: oh wait i was supposed to go get something
MP: brb
HS: okay! :D
You see that pot? That's a nice pot. It didn't cost you as much of a size-able fortune as your piano, but you admire it all the same. This room is the MAGNUM OPUS of MINIMALISM.
You've been pushing for it to become a new meme on Dank Olympus, but it looks like it's too niche for an audience that's already niche to begin with. You take the MASK off your head for dignity reasons. And those reasons alone.
Nothing related to the aerodynamics of DROPKICKING or anything like that. You're not John Cena.
You go outside and breathe in the fresh air like a belligerent prince. There's no sign of a deliveryman anywhere. You guess he got fed up of waiting and just dropped the thing right in front of your doorstep. That thing is an MS-BRAND TV DINNER. You've been waiting for it all day.
There's a note and what looks like a small cake wrapped in plastic taped to the cover of the TV DINNER. Meh. You guess you'll read it later.
You put the SMALL CAKE in your RIGHT POCKET.
You go to your kitchen to put the TV DINNER TRAY inside the MICROWAVE and SLAM it shut. You prime the timer for TEN MINUTES. Now that you've secured your meal, it's time to deal with that smug reptilian.
You try to reach for the LIZARD above the cupboard. Don't worry, as a chill guy who made a promise to his friend, you're going to get rid of these lizards in a PEACEFUL and DIPLOMATIC manner. Starting with this little guy.
The LIZARD bolts away from the cupboard before you can react and goes through the DINING ROOM doorway. Fine, bro. If that's how you want to play.
his is one acrobatic reptile. How did this thing even make its way on top of the cupboard? Now it's on the desk! You guess it won't be so hard to catch this thing.
The LIZARD is playing hard to get! It just keeps dodging your hand and shows no sign of stopping! If this thing could just.. stay still.. you could.. Ugh.
You convince the LIZARD to stop moving.
Don't worry, it's not dead. You are sure it's just UNCONSCIOUS. After you've put it in a safe place, it's only a matter of minutes before that innocent creature wakes up, and also start breathing again. Pacifism triumphs once more!
Your friend's going to love hearing this. You now have ONE (1) UNCONSCIOUS LIZARD. Now for the others.
Actually.. Yeah.. Maybe you hit that thing just a little too hard. Although you have every given right to exterminate pests from your household, like rats and roaches, you are not sure how far rats and lizards are in the animal rights scale.
You are now in the LIVING ROOM. Maybe this time you can use your bat in a less violent manner. Like pinning them down WITHOUT squashing them to uh.. sleep.
There's a lizard just beside the couch, you tap your CRICKET BAT right next to it and it doesn't move an inch. It's eyes are open. Huh, you guess it's dead. You grab the lizard by the tail. You now have ONE (1) DECEASED LIZARD. Now, where's the THIRD one?
Oh. There it is.
You now have ONE (1) CRIPPLED LIZARD. The little creep struggles to break free but you know it's not going anywhere. You really outdid yourself this time, James. Killed two birds with no stones. And none of the 'birds' even required actual killing.
Well, to be fair one of them was already dead. But the point still stands. Maybe that mildly expensive POTTED GOOD LUCK CHARM isn't useless after-all.
You set the CRICKET BAT on the MINIMALIST END TABLE. Yeah, you know it's just a white box.
You retrieve the UNCONSCIOUS LIZARD from the DESK. You now have ONE (1) UNCONSCIOUS LIZARD, ONE (1) DECEASED LIZARD, ONE (1) DISABLED LIZARD, all amounting to a number of THREE (3) LIZARDS. You have a FIST-FULL OF REPTILES at you disposal.
Hell no! You're not turning your YARD into a REPTILIAN CEMETERY. You are putting these things in the TRASH where they belong. It sounds harsh, but you reckon it's the most humane response seeing as there's nowhere else you can put these things.
You're not going to keep them prisoner inside your CUPBOARD upstairs. It's probably already filled to the brim and will probably unhinge and fall down on your PRECIOUS PIANO if you add any more load. Now you remember why you keep it locked. Stuff keeps falling out.
You dispose of the LIZARDS in a PEACEFUL and DIPLOMATIC manner. You're surprised that you're not by the least bit as grossed out as you thought you would be. Because frankly, your hands have gotten really filthy.
You put your PHONE inside your LEFT POCKET, and the SMILEY MASK falls out!
You toss it through the WINDOW and it lands square on the SOFA.
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Post by Nero on May 28, 2016 14:45:22 GMT
 Not the only thing you forgot about..?
Crap, she's right.
edit: i am a genius |
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Post by Nero on May 28, 2016 15:28:15 GMT
You just kinda set it there and nuke it for thirty seconds.
You retrieve the SMALL CAKE from your RIGHT POCKET, and take a bite from it.
It has kind of an itchy texture but it's a pretty decent cake. Huh. You wonder what that note reads. Greetings, dear customer. Thank you for participating in our "Dub the Dinner" program. We have included a special item for you!
It is a small, premium cake. Made with the finest maize flour and baked to perfection, as is the standard for all our products.
With this product's overwhelming initial commercial success, as a joint collaboration with Microsoft,
we are happy to announce the continuation of MICROSOFT TV DINNERS as a full-fledged variation of our frozen meals, soon to be available in stores near you! We look forward to a brighter future, and welcome you to a new generation of frozen meals.
Best regards from Swanson and Microsoft, Mr. [HENRY BRASSFORT MEMELORD NINETHOUSAND].You're probably going to frame this on the wall. You're definitely framing this on the wall.You are now a MICROWAVED MEAL. You are what used to be a TURKEY, but you are now DEAD, and fit for human consumption. You are bathing in a pool of GRAVY. And are quite comfortable in it. You have an assortment of equally edible companions.
MASHED POTATOES is your best friend. Although he can be a bit of a scatterbrain, you and him go a long way together. You can't stand CORN, he's such a jerk. PEAS is a lot cooler. You don't exactly always get along, but she's one of the nicest friends you've ever had.
You have been sitting in this metal box for a LITTLE MORE THAN TEN MINUTES. There was a point where things got REALLY HOT. You've been neglected by your OWNER, and right now you're NOT THAT HOT ANYMORE. Given this information, you fear the worst to happen next.
"We need to do something!" Shouts MASHED POTATOES. "Shit man, I don't know. I'm just a fucking vegetable." Says CORN. PEAS can't survive the intense heat, you are riddled with guilt as the POOL OF GRAVY protects you. "No! Peas! Stay with us!" you scream, but there was no response. THE PEAS are now burnt beyond recognition. "SHE WAS TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" shouts MASHED POTATOES. "Better her than me." says CORN. "And you, Turkey! None of this would have happened if you'd just shared your DAMNED GRAVY!" cries MASHED POTATOES. CORN grimaces. "I'm sorry, everyone." You say. "I shouldn't have kept the gravy to myself." "This is all my fault, and I have failed you all." CORN is not amused by your ramblings. "Son, we're just a bunch of frozen food. There ain't much that any of us could have done." He says. "If there's anyone to blame, blame Microsoft."
The door opens, and you are greeted by the cold mitts of a MEAL THIEF. You are now the MEAL THIEF. Or not really you guess since you can't actually STEAL from yourself, you big dummy.
You examine the tray, and see the aftermath of a thirty-second nuking session.
The PEAS have turned into a burnt mess, but the rest of the meal seems relatively okay.
How'd it get burned? It's a shame half of the portion of your meal is going to end up uneaten.
Including the CORN.
Not after last time. Though you're a little curious as to what corn tastes like. |
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Post by Nero on May 28, 2016 15:43:46 GMT
According to The Internet, corn is a large grain plant domesticated by indigenous peoples in Mexico in prehistoric times about 10,000 years ago.
The six major types of corn are dent corn, flint corn, pod corn, popcorn, flour corn, and sweet corn.
A cob, or ear of corn is actually part of the flower and each individual kernel is a seed.
Corn always has an even number of rows on each cob. Corn is produced on every continent in the world, except Antarctica.
There are over thousands of different uses for corn products.
In the age of pilgrims in North America, corn was so valuable it was used as currency and traded for products such as meats and furs.
You do NOT want to eat corn.
You DO NOT.
WANT.
TO EAT.
CORN.
This thing? It's a FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of you when you were younger.
The frame used to be more colorful, but it appears the BRASS coating has faded off completely. You cropped this yourself. It's one of your first works of PHOTO MANIPULATION. But that's enough of that, you're itching to try some of that TV DINNER.
You think of imagining each part of your food as fictional characters with feelings.
But that would be weird, seeing as you'd be eating them. Maybe you'll do food drama some other time.
They say life is like a TV DINNER.
It takes too much time to prepare and most of it sucks, but there are a few good parts that make it okay. You avoid the PEAS and CORN.
The TURKEY BREAST is too stiff and even tastes slightly burnt, some parts of the MASHED POTATOES are too hot, and others too cold.
The gravy, in this case the HARDWARE SAUCE, is just great. You will never order this meal ever again.
You take another bite of the SMALL CAKE. It's much better by comparison. You begin to feel a mild headache. Do they put booze in these cakes?
You cannot be hashtagStarstruck right now because you are too busy not being hashtagStarstruck.
Although you notice that totalBlackout is now online. Looks like he's finally awake.
Took him long enough, who the heck wakes up at 2 PM?
You feed the PEAS to the CRIPPLED LIZARD and it rejoices!
And by rejoice you mean flail about in pain as it's bombarded by an ocean of PEAS AND CORN.
And a PLASTIC TRAY. Well, at least it won't starve now.
You feel your chest starting to itch.
You go back inside and shut the door to realize your home is completely devoid of mirrors.
You slip your hand down your shirt and feel.. rashes? You notice your tongue starting to itch, as well.
This better not be an allergic reaction. Wait a minute.. is that..?
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Post by Nero on May 28, 2016 15:57:17 GMT
Aw, nuts! That thing cost you a mild fortune! Now you're going to have to clean that up. How did it even fall over? Agh! Your MILD HEADACHE becomes a CONVENTIONAL HEADACHE. You feel like you could take some aspirin. Too bad all your medications are inside the locked cupboard upstairs.
You wonder what's going on with your friend right now. Probably nothing life threatening, for sure.
Oh..
Oh shit.
You take a deep breath and exhale. Panic is the enemy in this race against time. You calmly walk over to your phone, which surprisingly was in your hand the whole time. How convenient! You calmly dial 9-1-1, as well.
The operator picks up and tells you to hold before you can utter a word.
This shouldn't take too long. You calmly wait for assistance.
And wait..
And wait.
This isn't working!
You calmly flail about in a blind panic.
This isn't working, either! |
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Post by Nero on May 28, 2016 16:03:12 GMT
 You decide to panic in a more productive manner. Which is to say NOT REALLY THAT MUCH MORE PRODUCTIVE AT ALL. You try force yourself to stay still, with all the ADRENALINE running through your veins. This whole situation is starting to make you feel ESPECIALLY STRESSED. You feel that this would have been an appropriate time to mercilessly beat your BODY PILLOW.  Or did you already? It appears to be SLIGHTLY SCRATCHED. But you don't remember beating that thing up!  Your EPIPEN is upstairs along with all your other MEDICAL SUPPLIES. Ah! How could you forget?  You start to make your way to the stairway and..  And..  ...  RRrrrrrr..  RREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
 EEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!! You are almost a hundred percent sure nobody else in the world has it worse than you do right now. |
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Post by Curris on May 29, 2016 4:27:59 GMT
Ironically, by having the comic elements under spoilers, You still have to click dozens of times as well as scroll  Still, I love this. The delightful sequence in which we were the frozen meal. The delightful bits in "Capturing the lizards unharmed". You've got a nice way of subtly lowballing the humor in. Nice work! |
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