Destroy Lord English

41/100 Arcana Orbis
18/20 Entropic Golem

+2 to Piono

Judas puts a sad face sticker on the Badge of Pride.

You summon a 4,800 HP rock Wall to protect the Cyborg Cannon Fodder, before killing a Dog Mercenary and dealing 10,000 to another.
Mattidog: Poor Salty Jim. Fellow was one of my bett- No, wait. He's actually one of my worse dogs. 
You jump into one of the vans, and are promptly pinned down by heavy TTP fire, as well as the fact that another van just rammed into yours. 5,000 damage to both Vans!


You take a side in a meaningless conflict- Against your own will.
Yes, yes it is.
Now, if only the division of Pain and Suffering could actually mobile it's resources for once. 

At least ye voted.

You ram a Dog Mercenary with a small star for 8,000 damage.

Mattidog notices that it's a "beautiful coat", and with a cruel grin, pulls out a jar.. of Eye-Kicking Turn, which you kick into peoples eyes. He walks up to your coat, and promptly kicks some dirt onto it. You gasp in reflective shock as the dirt spreads cross it like a spider's web. Err, it's more of a Dirt-Spidered Coat Now. Nevertheless, you manage to shield your team from an attack. 

You finish Vriska's hoodie, and then promptly turn the Cheap Cyborg Cannon Fodder into Cheap Cyborg Vriska Ripoffs, which are still complete cannon fodder. Vriska gains 5 HP and 1 AC, too. You also summon a defense Golem with 10,000 HP.


You deal 5,000 damage to the Badge of Pride

You successfully explode the other damaged van.


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Having chosen TJIR as the side to join, both sides stats are adjusted. More dog mercenaries ambush you, whilst the ones currently active are buffed. You will receive a worse short term reward than if you had joined BDI, and a slightly better long-term advantage. 

You all charge Mattidog, and succeed in removing 80,000 HP from him. The cheap cyborgs and TrickleTank manage to off the last mercenary and deal 10,000 damage to another. Donut Steel promptly applies his Katana to the Dog Mercenaries, killing two. The Tricklejest Inc Personnel attempt to escape..

..but are promptly cut off by the Dog Mercenaries. Protip: The more Personnel that escape, the better your long-term and short-term rewards will be. That's not the only thing the dogs cut off, either. They cut off quite a bit of body parts, killing... let's say 20 of them. Mattidog calls for a Mercenary Anti Tank-Gun, which he mans but doesn't fire yet. He also calls in several Ion-Based Machine Gun Squads, before wiping out the Rock + Golem Combob, and then ripping the armor protecting you to pieces. 20 pieces, to be presice, before dealing 20,00 damage to Donut Steel. 

• 
  

     





     

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ITINERARY!

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heh, and all I was gonna do was stab them with non-healing-shivs, normal shivs and inversely heal them with the healing shivs
way cooler, what you did, I suppose. also, 
those knives are cool and I'm keeping them. I have no Idea how I got them though...

I'm not going crazy when I see those as re-colored Knives Of Lost Skies, right?
side-note (possibly), a bit of looking into what those knives were has led me to the tvtropes page for RPGstuck... somehow. would that have anything to do with those knives at all, or is that just completely out of left field (if so, thanks Google!)

another side-note, I hope the Dirt-Spidering of THE CAIRO OVERCOAT wont have any negative effects on the space-time continuum... (wait, is it really spelled with 2 'U's? wow)

/alsotellmemoreabouteachofthoseknivestellmeeverydetailinenglishandfrenchpleaseIneedtoknow-post

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+2 Jobboe the hutt



(24) / Tumbler (ZZZZKKKKKKKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKing vs JOK REBELS)



(25) /50 rip the joks; may the ripipip in peace

(1 +Joe +bob)> 5/5 show 'em your slabs

Continuing the combobbo attack, I prepare to show 'em (here meaning The Boss again) my
Lvl5:skPro:[show 'em your slabs][chnAtk:2]. I start by dressing up as the most suspicious looking, alley-residing man anyone's ever had the misfortune to be shanked by; complete with coat full of knives and used syringes, not to mention horrible wording abilities. I then proceed to use said knives to steal some money from the Boss Dog and go buy some slabs to stab 'em with from the convenience store that just so happens to be right beside me. No, not those slabs; I stab 'em with these slabs ...yeah, don't ask how. just roll with it, and don't forget to add the combo/chain attack bonus!

placeholde

65/150 for Secret Combinations
113/150 for A Really Bad Idea
20/? for ???
+2 to AC

I take my pionovan and make the ultimate sacrifice...
that of giving up my cool toy. I dive bomb straight into the other IDPD vans and explode as many of them as possible in one massive careening swerve that leaves blue flames in my wake.

Favors owed:
Redstone
Foodman
Drizzle

Assassination Credit:
Using store credit here you can get me to kill things on the battlefield, or even just hit them once or twice. You can also use credit to cancel other people's orders if necessary, although that's a bit more expensive. You can also request for me to go off on miscellaneous errands and sidequests to get you stuff.
MKsman: 12
redstone: 32
foodman: 31
Cyan: 10
JOE: 19
TOG: 6
enerald_mann: 28
Masked General: 2
Tricklejest:2

placeholde2

You heal the Trickletank for 48,000 HP! You succeed in stunning a mercenary. You also spawn a absorption elemental, which isn't going to get cheesed by the fact that Mattidog can fragment his attacks. 

You slab Mattidog for 30000 Slabdamage.

Your attack, tragically, is somehow absorbed and then reflected at you for let's say.. 2 damage. Welcome back to the game for the apparent third first time, Alicia. I do hope you enjoy your stay at our fine facilities. Just don't mind the machine guns that i swear weren't aimed at you a moment ago that are now pointed at the TJIR.

Placeheld indeed. 


You apply a speed boost to the employees and then heal the tank for 10,000 damage and the assurance that Nothing Can Go Wrong.

You successfully explode the weaker van and deal 2,000 damage to the others.
You successfully shove 10 Tricklejest personnel past the escape route. 

You become so caught up in holding your place, you accidentally drop it! This is exactly the type of terrible event that leaves an entire world in mourning, and surely your post will be remembered forever as one of the greatest things in history!
Oh, wait...

You deal about 2,000 damage to all the vans.

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The Tricklejest Inc Personnel roll gain double action due to a successful roll on a speedboost. 

This amounts to nothing, because the dogs are still blocking the escape route. The Absorption Elemental promptly comes back from the Grave. I pull out the sharpened cheese wedge. Alicia is healed for 2 HP, and her attack promptly hits the Trickletank for 25,000 damage. Reports of liquid GM Fiat being found near the landing zone of the attack are totally untrue. Yes, this means that you don't get any bonus from the attack since it is now in a paradoxical state of both having been reflected and having hit the tank. Paradoxes ahoy! TJIR then conducts the usual generic attack for 70,000 damage. The TrickleTank uses Shot Heard Around The World, and proceeds to fire an exceptionally loud and annoying shell at Mattidog, unleashing the power of every single Sound gag in Toontown at the same time, dealing 100,000 damage to Mattidog himself and 10,000 damage to all other BDI foes, plus 2 to Alicia, who gains a modified version of the attack. Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong triggers, causing for the Tank to take 20,000 damage from backlash. Donut Steel applies Steel Donut Throwing Stars to the Ion Machinegun Squad and Anti-tank gun, nerfing both, and then out-edges Mattidog for 20,000 damage.

The dog mercenaries are busy dealing with the near-breakout of the Tricklejest Personnel, but manage to kill 8 of them despite one being mostly useless. Mattidog applies the Zero Product Property to the Absorption Element (for exactly 1 damage), 10 cyborgs, and then stabs Donut Steel for 40,000 damage, before summoning a Dog Mercenary. I accidentally trip, fall, and crank up the "player damage" levels.

• 
  

     
[BDI] Battlefury. Has a sharpened cheese wedge.




     

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ITINERARY!

67/150 for Secret Combinations
115/150 for A Really Bad Idea
22/? for ???
+2 to AC

I look at perpetualLoop. What a dumb name, as if he's going to be able to enact a perpetual time loop on any of us. I take slight offense to that. Only slight, however, because it's a stupid thing to get mad about and really doesn't profit anyone anything. OH WAIT that's right, when I'm angry I drop 6000 word long longposts that completely annihilate everything.
Good thing there's something for me to actually get offended at. Perpetual me. PerpetualLoop has just gone and created a shoddy knockoff piono, and while betwixt the canons and non-canons and side characters there are plenty of Pionos of varying quality running around, this one is unsanctioned. I will not, should not and CAN NOT let this pass without dropping at least a small piononuke in retaliation.
So that's what I'm going to do.
First thing I do is charge into Perpetual piono and his perpetual pionovan. Piono and the perpetual pionovan. That could be a band name, whatever, the point is I'm stealing this, THANK YOU! Perpetual piono shakes a bit, stunned by the sudden and abrupt removal from the perpetual timeloop that makes up his existence. what is this new world he has found? Is he finally free? He can smell the crisp autumn air, the world is suddenly filled with light and life and HOPE and then the timeloop kicks back in and he's driving... his... van... wait where's the van? Perpetual Piono is now just hovering in mid-air, repeatedly crashing into people at high velocity without any sort of vehicle to make the blows actually hurt.

MEANWHILE IN THE TIME VORTEX
I chuckle as I step on the gas pedal of the hijacked van. How, exactly, did I hijack a van doomed to be stuck within a perpetual timeloop never doing anything else? Simple, I flick up the face of my reddish FOB watch, look at the complex and alien display on the inside, and chuckle again. quite simply put, I am a master of all 25 of the primary elements, perpetualLoop could never, NEVER hope to match my prowess. Only his status as a boss and the current battlefield gimmick disabling Rapture prevent me from crushing him like the bug he is. Oh but with the power of longposting I can change that. Even bosses fall before the almighty power of piononukes... muahahahahaha
The inner ramblings of Piono go on like this for quite some time as he steers his way around various obstacles, light time warps, time lightning, and the occasional time baby. Also the two remaining speeding IDPD vans that are moving along at extremely breakneck speeds, threaning to tear the very fabric of reality. And worse, they're going over the speed limit! Piono doesn't notice this though, he's too busy being an inner edgelord. He will later though. Is that foreshadowing or is it too blatant and obvious? Oh well.
The point is that Piono is speeding along at high speeds in the Time vortex, driving leisurely past the various obstacles that would cause your average person to gibber with madness or otherwise become consumed in pain and death. Most minds are not ready, this is why the front glass of the IDPD vans are all colored so darkly, it's so that the drivers don't go (even more) mad and crash the vans through... wait they already do. Not sure why they bother. Piono's getting tired of having to navigate by VPS (vortex positioning system) though, so he punches out the windshield, allowing him to navigate by his own senses.
And then someone punches a hole through the roof of the van.

Piono looks up at the mutated ugly gloved hand, reaches up and grabs it before it can retreat. "Pull the other one, its got bells on." And then he yank with all his might, pulling the IDPD freak face first into the roof of the car. The IDPD screeches, loses his hold on the van and goes toppling off the side into the infinite abyss of eternity that surrounds them all.
Piono clicks down, and then pushes the autopilot button (Okay now I'm even more confused, why do these things have auto-pilot AND regular pilots. This makes no sense.) he carefully takes out Ircucvci, and begins climbing out the windshield. Immediately, two IDPD freaks open fire on him, Piono has to think fast. He can't roll out of the way, that'll ruin his ride, he can't very well stay in place and be shot. So he deflects them. His sword zips around through the air, reflecting blue laser shots back right at their senders, knocking both of the freaks screaming into the distant abyss.
Piono climbs up on top of the van, and looks out, several more freaks have climbed out of the back, up onto the top to try and come after him. Piono sighs and dashes forward, the power of Ircucvci propelling him to immense speeds, even in the time vortex, where time manipulation isn't really an option as a weapon. He cuts through the IDPD freaks, propelling one after another off the edge of the van, until finally he comes to another freak climbing up out of the back of the van. Piono moves to cut him off, but stops just in time as a blue flashing orb rises up into the air.
Piono is blown backwards, and barely catches onto the hole made by the first IDPD freak, pulling himself back WhOA he's being shot at. Piono swings himself up and around in a large arc, flipping sideways mid-air and dropkicking one of the two freaks off the top of the van. The other freak immediately grabs Piono's sword arm,and the two begin wrestling, pushing, pulling, rolling all over the top of the van. Finally, Piono has the freak pinned down, but he looks up, sees something coming, and then rolls over, sticking the IDPD freak straight up into the air where the oncoming IDPD police van catches the freak and tears it off, spiralling into the depths of the abyss. Piono, for his part, spends the next several minutes putting out the various extradimensional fires started by the sheer speed of the IDPD van.
Then he looks up, as another one of the vans whizzes by at top speed. He realizes something. They're SPEEDING. And almost as bad they're speeding so fast that they're tearing into the very fabric of reality! Some of the other inter-dimensional organizations might have something to say about this. Some VERY stern words indeed...

Piono takes the van, and turns it around. Instead of going to where he was going previously, he's going to be taking a detour. A detour to the headquarters of the Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron in fact, so after making a u-turn around an eldritch monstrosity, Piono sets off at high speed (but not above the speed limit) to the turnoff that should lead him to the base of the PAES.
Piono's van jumps out of the time vortex and skids to a stop in the courtyard in front of the PAES base, leaving a few small blue fires on the grass and scaring the heck out of the groundskeeper. Soon enough, Piono has been surrounded by guards because he is, of course, a wanted criminal. Why wouldn't he be? He distorts the fabric of reality, uses weapons that are outlawed twenty different versions of the Multiversal Geneva convention, and drops piononukes on things with little to no provocation on a semi-regular basis. Oh yeah, and he causes paradoxes. Using time travel as a toy and a weapon tends to do that, and that's ignoring the fact that he possesses one of the most dangerous paradox artifacts in existence.
But we'll ignore all that, because Piono immediately gives the signal for parley. This causes a bunch of the PAES soldiers to curse, but it's the rules, you can't break parley. Piono is brought to see the head of the PAES, and after being summarily chewed out for parking the van on the front lawn and all his evil deeds in the past, Piono finally gets a word in edgewise.
I'm afraid I come bearing bad news.
"Of course you do, what other kind would you possibly bring?"
Possibly awful news, maybe even horrible.
"Just... go ahead and tell us what's so awful that you'd come to us."
The IDPD have, with their vans, been going at a speed so high as to tear the very fabric of reality to shreds, leaving kaleidoscopic fire and rips that would rend the mind of any sane man to tiny little shreds, and...
Piono pauses for dramatic effect. The PAES don't seem very impressed yet, they're all just fingering the guns in the holsters and looking at Piono with hostility. Well, time to play the trump card.
And. They've been driving over the speed limit of the time vortex.
Five minutes later the battle sirens are being called and the PAES are rallying into their battle-chopper-things and gathering up their weapons, readying for what may be the biggest battle they have this year. The hunt on Piono has been temporarily called off to use him as an asset in storming the IDPD base. But everyone knows this is only tepmorary, as soon as the IDPD have been apprehended, Piono will be a wanted man once more...

In the IDPD home base, there is a sound. It's an odd sound, slightly off. Why it's slightly off is because its a siren. Now, you'd think that sirens are a normal sound, a normal occurence, especially in a police station this active. But that's just it. The siren that is sounding is the wrong siren. The Captain stands up from her seat and walks over to the window, wondering what on Earth could possibly be making that noise.
And then the portal opens, a portal to the time vortex rips open in the air and a fleet of PAES attack craft flood out, the dark green helicopter-things flooding into the sky, weapons at the ready. A voice booms out from one of the larger ones "Attention IDPD agents. You are under arrest for violation of the time vortex accords section 5 subsection 6 article XII. Please do not resist or we will be required to use lethal force in your apprehension."
The response is almost immediate. The bustling courtyard and gleaming white halls of the IDPD headquarters which, a second before were a frozen wall of blue as everyone tried to figure out what was going on, become even more filled with blue as the IDPD agents immediately open fire on the PAES, a mass of blue shots flying up to meet the still incoming PAES airships. The PAES return fire, but they're not on their hometurf, while the IDPD are...
So Piono decides to intervene. Another portal opens up, this one inside of the IDPD's hangar. And a blue van charges straight through everything, throwing everyone in the hangar into disarray as the flaming projectile manages to tear straigh through all of its fellow vans seemingly without even slowing down or scratching its paint job. One of the agents at the far end starts pressing buttons on a panel, attempting to close the door at the far end, but he's too slow, and the van smashes straight into him and through the wall before exploding into a million pieces in the hallway, collapsing down portions of the floor above it and opening up further rooms and hallways.
From the portal that the van came in through pour a flood of PAES soldiers who begin opening fire on the IDPD, activating teleport spam modules to try and disrupt the growing IDPD formations, but the IDPD are retaliating, moving vans into position to use as cover and having shielders set up to reflect the incoming fire from the PES. The IDPD start slowly, slowly through the use of short-range portals to reinforce themselves, pushing the PES ground troops back.
And then the van that careened through everything explodes again. A wave of fire and ice mixed together in a turbulent storm of conflicting energy erupts outwards, vaporizing and freezing solid (or both) many of the IDPD and more of the walls, everything comes collapsing down as Piono pulls himself from the wreckage, flaming wreath of fire surrounding him.
Hey there punks, do you smell something burning?
He whips out his sword and dashes down the hallway, cutting up more of the IDPD as they pour in and begin attempting to drown him in lasers, but the reload speed on Ircucvci is just too fast, and Piono tears through them, reflecting their bullets like a madman, tearing through absolutely everything, leaving the opening available for the PAES soldiers to come in behind him and start tearing up the IDPD formations.
Far above, the Captain looks out over the chaos, the PAES are slowly gaining ground in the air battle, the IDPD just don't have enough heavy weaponry to stand up to sustained air support. Suddenly, PAES soldiers burst out into the courtyard, the Captian looks on in horror as the PAES soldiers begin rounding up the soldiers outside as they realize that both surrounded and outnumbered, quite suddenly, they've likely already lost (they haven't yet, its mostly just a fluke. surrendering is the right idea right now however.)
The Captain turns, ready to go down there and start shooting down PAES ships with the might of her hidden super weapon. But then the door bursts down, several IDPD guards being thrown through it with enough force to shatter the wall. She looks up at Piono who just gives her a wry grin and a wave.
The ensuing fight is short. I could type out an entire fight scene here, but Piono was ready for her, has a superior weapon and much, much more combat experience. So she goes down pretty fast. Upon discovering that their leader has been defeated and cuffed, the rest of the IDPD begin surrendering pretty quickly. Soon the last remaining cells of resistance have been mopped up, and the PAES leaders are meeting at the front of the building, a lock having been put on the time vortex in this area to catch all incoming vans. All of them have been going over the speed limit. The evidence is convicting.
But now it's time to deal with the elephant in the room. Piono.

The leaders of the PAES gather in the courtyard, it's been a successful raid, and only minimal casualties have been had thanks to Piono acting as a line breaker. One could possibly say that they are indebted to him. But they'd much rather say that they don't negotiate with terrorists and now is the perfect time to capture him. While he's weakened from the fighting.
So they send out their best enforcers to scour the base for any exit points to see where exactly he is. but they can't find him. He's not in the Captain's office, he's not in the courtyard, he hasn't tried to hijack any of the helicopters (Actually he did but the keys broke off in the ignition so he decided to do something else.) but they finally figure out where he is when they call in with the other units.
It turns out, he's chatting with some of the soldiers in the hangar where the initial breach was made. He's laughing and telling jokes... as if he were an ordinary person. This doesn't match the demonic killing machine that they're so used to dealing with, and it is slightly off putting. It still makes Piono kind of sad when he overhears them talking about how it's time to apprehend him.
Man, I was hoping that wouldn't happen until later. Oh well. Nice talking to you fellas.
He then lets loose a burst of air that launches all of the people to the sides of the room, and then dives for one of the vans that, in the midst of all the fighting, became oriented towards the portal out. Piono doesn't bother with doors, he just dives right through the windshield, and kicks the ignition into gear, barreling right past the disoriented PAES soldiers and right out the front door.
SEE YA SUCKERS!
The PAES don't even have time to try and apprehend him before he's beyond their "net" (with more trickiness from Denito Surrexit) and barreling at top speed (OH MY GOSH HE'S BREAKING THE SPEED LIMIT) down the lanes of the time vortex, past an alien minivan and a lost tyrannasaurus rex, down down down towards his original destination. It's time to discover where the piononukes are.

The van swerves and bumps. It seems like the steering mechanism took a few hits in the firefight from before, or maybe it got a small part snagged in the time-net the PAES set up to try and catch incoming and outgoing vehicles. Whatever the case is, it's quite a bumpy ride back through the time vortex towards his hideout. Piono is heading back to a very specific place...
And with the wail of sirens, the crashing of shelving and the toppling of cardboard boxes, Piono arrives at his destination, he pulls a cardboard box full of marbles off of himself, and then carefully dislodges a crate with 677,766 dead bees in it. And slowly makes his way to the top of the pile, climbing through the smashes shelving up to the top. He's here, a place he hasn't been since one of the earlier longposts.
Welcome back to Piono's inventory slipspace, home of a million different objects of varying usefulness and power. This is where piononukes are manufactured and kept in storage until use.
Piono gets up and back behind the van, looking around at the shelves he's crashed through. The cleanerbots will be all in a tizzy about this, but that's okay, he's their boss, he gets to make messes like this if he wants to. Really should've taken this thing into the garage though. There's no sign of end to the shelves, the boxes, crates and barrels that line the shelves make for an almost dismal brown and grey maze of immense size. The only landmark is the the mass of busted shelves and blue police van crashed into them.
Piono knows his way around though, he knows how to get out and he knows exactly where he is. He turns around and hooks up a large metal hook and chain to the back of the van, and then pulls, slowly making ground as the sound of collapsing shelves and boxes clatters from the front of the van. Finally, the van is free, Piono goes around back to the driver's seat, pushes over a few boxes, and gets back behind the wheel, slowly backing out of the artificial deadend and back into the main area, where he slowly begins making turns and going forward at a more sedate pace than usual, until finally he comes to what looks like... an industrial area. Inside of his inventory.
THIS is where the piononukes are. Piono drives the van over to a shuttle space and orders a number of robots and elves that are standing around drinking coffee and machine oil (in the opposite order of course. Who's ever heard of elves drinking machine oil during hours?) he orders them to find one of the older piononukes, not an inert one, but a specific make and model, and then goes in to check up on the manufacturing process.
First off is the room with all the monkeys and typewriters. This is where the bulk of the employees work. Large amounts of words are typed out an harvested at random, then put through a markov engine to strip out the less desireable words, putting it back on the assembly line to replace any missing word spaces, and then back through the markov engine, this process is repeated several times until the base of the longpost is considered to be properly pineapple.
Next comes editing. Editing is small and understaffed, you can't remove too many of the words from the base if you want to be able to manufacture a long enough longpost, now can you? But the underpaid and unpaid interns are happy to work here, because despite the name, they are in fact paid. They are from the Thursday Next-verse, and are all a little known subclass of grammarvores that feed specifically on bad grammar. As such they are paid in food, where the piononuke bases are fed through and basic flaws and errors are picked through and eaten.
Finally is storage. Nobody knows why there is a storage room, which is always kept at below freezing temperatures, because everyone knows that longposts don't keep well, and even piononuke brand longposts don't keep for very long before they go bad and are no longer useful for very much at all. The only known longpost to have been ready and available for keeping went bad just a few weeks ago. (RIP Pain and Suffering. You will be missed.)
Anyways, by this point the newest (and coolest) of the piononuke brand piononukes has been readied, and Piono is done with his basic inspection. More detail could be gone over, and there are always the "special order" offices, and the workyard where the BIG ONES™ are being constructed, but that's not for today. Today we're just taking a regular old piononuke and delivering it, special by the designer himself, in the back of a stolen IDPD van.
Piono gets in the drivers seat. He hears sirens. Time to go, before the PAES get a lock on his position and find out where he keeps all his stuff stashed.

Piono readies himself, he turns the key in the ignition, taps the fuzzy dice once for luck, waits for the person on the runway out to move out of the way so as to not get run over, and then kicks the pedal down to the floor of the van, and jets off, a flame of blue jetting along behind him as he darts into the time vortex. It's time to go deliver this puppy.
Piono slams out into the side of the time vortex and barrels down its highways at top speed. He's got a dangerous and volatile cargo ready to go off at any moment and he's sure as heck not going to let it go off early, so when the sirens of the PAES kick up, he's already ready, up on top of the roof of the van, which has its autopilot back to the battlefield turned on.
Piono looks at the growing crowd of helicopters, and laughs. The pilot, about to announce their intent to arrest him, looks on confusedly, and then Piono pushes forward, a wave of energy crackles outwards and the first helicopter goes down in a ball of fire, exiting into an emergency portal that takes it out over some version of Guatemala. There's a firefight going on, hopefully the PAES soldiers onboard that helicopter do better than they would against piono. In all likelihood they will. Piono's not a very friendly or fair opponent.
The helicopters begin opening fire, and after a few hits are registered, the autopilot recognizes that it's under fire and engages evasive maneuvers, swerving from side to side up and down the curved edges of the time vortex. Piono decides to return fire and pulls out another weapon. A dangerous weapon. Ultimatum. Ultimatum is the second best gun available in terms of MOAR DAKKA that exists. Supplying dakka in up to eight different forms at once and in speeds that could be considered "almost enough".
Piono's just using one, and on "light" mode. A massive wave of bullets begins spraying outwards, retaliating against the incoming fire from the PAES with equal amounts of fire, if not more,all of it coming just from the one gun. Several of the PAES choppers break off and fall back after having their proppellers clipped, but the remaining ones open fire with a salvo of rockets. The rockets mostly explode midroute, there's simply too many bullets flying through the air from either one side or another for the rockets to make it through, but one... just one does.
It collides with the side of the van and sends it swerving off to the side, Piono drops and grabs onto the side as it flips over, barely avoiding some interdimensional death lightning, and he flips back on top. Time for a detour. Piono hops down into the drivers seat and turns off auto-pilot, then crashes through the edge of the time vortex, into the realm of the kaleidescopic fire and eldritch abominations from beyond time.
More of the helicopters detatch. Going after a wanted criminal is one thing, but driving straight into a death sentence is another. But not all of them break off. Three more helicopters drive straight through the hole punched in the side of the time vortex and dive right into the extradimensional plane behind Piono, all of them still firing at the top rate that they can.
First thing Piono does is drive straight through a nest of eldritch abominations. The tentacles and claws and graspers reach out for him and his van, but he expertly dodges around all of them, bobbing and weaving with extradimensional might. The three choppers follow, one of them flies right into the gaping mouth of a Cthluhu knock-off and is devoured instantly by extradimensional forces. Another activates its shield at full force and at top speed, punches right through the eldritch abominations, using its time to gain on Piono, the other decides to go around, strafing along the side and opening fire on Piono from within.
Piono swerves and turns among the wriggling mass of the eldritch horrors and sees what looks like a pulse of energy. He veers straight for it, noticing that the eldritch horrors are shying away. He pulls out denito surrexit and surrounds the van with an invisible shield of energy and dives right into the disruptive time storm. The chopper that was strafing doesn't notice the reason behind the change in trajectory until too late, diving right into the midst of the lightning and promptly disintegrating, but the one with the shields on still has their shields on at full strength and charge right through it.
Piono pulls out of the drivers seat as the gunfire resumes, setting the van back to autopilot. He ties a cord to the top of the van, and then pulls out a sword. The chopper opens fire, still pursuing at top speed, and then Piono jumps, Ircucvci brandished. And suddenly he darts forward, pulling the cord taut as he cuts into the shield of the PAES chopper with ridiculous speed, enabled by flash stepping (a technique normally not accomplishable in the time vortex or extradimensional plane). Within seconds, the shield gives out. Piono whips up ultimatum, and fires, sending himself flying backwards as the stream of bullets chips off pieces of the chopper, a piece here, another piece of armoring there, until the entire thing bursts into flames and disintegrates. Piono lands on the stolen IDPD van, and then slides back into the drivers seat as it finishes recalibrating and dives back into the time vortex.
More sirens. The PAES have him surrounded. Well, time to take them on a little trip. He's almost back to the battlefield anyways.

Piono climbs on top of the van for one final time, arms splayed out, Denito Surrexit in one hand, Ircucvci in the other.
Man you guys are persistent!
"Piono, you are hereby under arrest for violating more codes and subsections of the multiversal peace accords than we can list before we all disintegrate into monoatomic dust from staying in the time vortex for too long. Do not resist, we have you surrounded"
And indeed they do. As Piono barrels along, there are choppers matches his speed on both sides, following him and heading him off. There seems to be no escape. Except there is escape, because Piono is Piono and packing more heat than all of the PAES choppers combined. He says one word, and then begins to work his magic;
Nah.
And then the time vortex swerves. The entire thing begins undulating violently as if some giant figure had picked it up and begun to shake it up and down and sideways and all sorts of round abouts, people and vehicles bounce up and down as the entire thing is rattled. Everything, that is, except for Piono's van. Piono's van stays perfectly centered, as if nothing is moving at all. Piono stands atop it, arm with his FOB watch raised over his head, where it glows, tendrils of time vortex lightning crackling outwards and spreading throughout the entire thing.
"QUICK, GET HIM! HE'S ALMOST REACHED HIS DESTINATION"
And then Piono disappears behind a curve. Everyone charges forward...
Right face first into the ground of the battlefield. Like a laser comprised entirely out of exploding helicopters, Piono directs the portal upwards, helicopter after helicopter pouring through it and exploding on the ground, right up until he points it at perpetualLoop. perpetualLoop gets just enough time to recognize that that's his impending doom, and not enough time to dodge it.
And then Piono drops the IDPD van. The piononuke inside goes off, and you've just finished reading it.

PUNK!

Target: perpetualLoop and the two IDPD vans.

Favors owed:
Redstone
Foodman
Drizzle

Assassination Credit:
Using store credit here you can get me to kill things on the battlefield, or even just hit them once or twice. You can also use credit to cancel other people's orders if necessary, although that's a bit more expensive. You can also request for me to go off on miscellaneous errands and sidequests to get you stuff.
MKsman: 12
redstone: 32
foodman: 31
Cyan: 10
JOE: 19
TOG: 6
enerald_mann: 28
Masked General: 2
Tricklejest:2

I look at the Personnel. To kill, or to not kill? To kill, or not to kill... let's pass. They'll probably give the TJI recruits special technology, or something quote unquote fun like that. Whatever. We are the Establishment, the demiurges of Fiction. Everything's just a joke to us, a canvas to paint our reality onto, or at least that's what was drilled into me as soon as I found the Establishment. The Establishment's great, it's a place where I can be something other than trash, a place where I am free to place my will upon Fiction, and I love it.

For example, take Mattidog. He's a dog, designed by the greatest arts of the Psi-Dogmodder, or something. Now, I have a brush, a bunch of Waluigi Thyme, and I have a canvas, Mattidog. I paint the brush over the canvas, which is to say that I feed it to Mattidog. Look at it, it's a treat, and now it's down his throat, with a guzzle and a nom and a minimal implication of permission from Battlefury! I then throw myself to the side, and wait for the magic to happen!

---

Alicia: Use a stack of Tazzian Thyme on Mattidog. I'll reiterate that Tazzian Thyme is a silly name.

---

Mark-Maker [2/10] [ARTIFACT] ===== =====
Executioner [2/10] [SUMMON] ===== =====
This Is Definitely A Good Contribution to DLE :^) [2/25] [SUMMON] ===== ===== ===== ===== =====

+2 to Trickle. I'm killing him because we're friends, you see.

Total Charge Points Invested Into Myself: 75
Hall of Self-Indulgent Smugness:
Upgrades:

SPOILER: Click to show

Masochism [LEVELLING SYSTEM] [0 / 50]: TL;DR: I copy the attacks of whatever hits me.
Closet Access [LORE POWERS] [25]: TL;DR: I have access to Establishmentspace, a cesspit of demented ideas.

Voidmist counter: 157
[Fire: 30% 30/120] flame jab on Dog mercanarys. I'm mostly saving up though.
Water: 31%,4/124 Oasis
earth 37%, 0/148 golemancy
air 34% 0/136 blessing

Mind aura 10/105 +2 tog
the tree sways in the breeze... 26/50
the combined soul 5/20 
+2 TOG
C on cooldown, W off cooldown, 13 stacks each. core summons a 10,000 hp wall for the TJI personal
23 /25 golemancy complex on hold
I consider using mind aura now, but decide against it, I'm not quite ready to drop Thta nuek.
Instead, I use an off-brand 0-damage flame jab on matidog to get close and slap a strip of duct tape on his mouth, before putting on a muzzle for him and filling it with soundproof pillows, then casting silence on him and trapping him in a soundproof room and forcing him to scream till his voice gives out, before dropping him back on the battlefield. hopefully he can't call for backup, or if he will, he'll get the message "*but n o b o d y came" or smth idk.

EDIT: ok so jon agreed to have 10 do bodyguarding, so if he doesn't order 10 I ask it to bodyblock against the first two 8,000+ damage attacks by BDI entitys as best it can. obviously I'll heal it back up later

42/100 Arcana Orbis
19/20 Entropic Golem

+2 to Piono

Judas blows up a Van.

> CONTINUE ON YOUR QUEST!

Wait, ImprovLand?! There's no way we're calling it that!

> BOY, YOU'RE STUCK IN YOUR VERY OWN FLIPPING MINDSCAPE. I DON'T THINK YOU'RE IN THE POSITION TO JUDGE.

Bluh. Fine

> I'M TOO TIRED TO DO THIS.

Same.

---

Cal switches to DE, because why not! DE is now GS II, we will Make Zerisek Great Again!
She then takes perpetualLoop, a cancerous fidget spinner and combines them, making a terrible infinite fidget spinner.
All the teen boys come to try and spin it, thus chopping off their hands, legs, arms and all in the process.
This somehow causes Loop to die.

---

Stale [5/10] [+4 from Consumer]
Abnormality [2/50]
Night of the Giving Dead [2/150]

+2 to Consumer.

---

STUFF THAT IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION BELOW!
(stuff that is under construction)
(you were given what you asked for, now leave)