quixoticTokki
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baby gangsta
Posts: 702
Pronouns: she/her/hers
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Post by quixoticTokki on May 15, 2016 6:00:00 GMT
I'd be curious to know what people's thoughts are on my adventure Globestuck. I've been working somewhat sporadically on it for quite a while and haven't ever received any concrete feedback on it aside from random suggestions and favorites on the mirror site, so I'd like to know what people think! Also, it's been mentioned before and I'm aware of the artistic issues surrounding every instance of the Dernov home's stairs. In the living room I wasn't really sure how to fix it without moving/redoing the entire wall so I just didn't bother, and as for when Anya is in the upstairs hall, well...I'll just do my best to draw it better in the future should characters be standing there again lol. So: I was hoping the first girl would be a little bit more silly. But I guess she is Russian so no? That's fine. Second: For the black text, You use very predictable patterns of speaking, so I find myself skipping the first line every time, then coming back to it. You could vary it up. Even better, nerd up and make your text follow a random modus each time. Third: I can't tell who is who in the pesterlogs. Especially the memos. But that seems fine. it's not like that will be important to the plot? Fourth: Your art is pretty good excellent. You are top tier at distractions. Fifth: I like your attention to detail. The rooms are well populated. Thank you for the feedback! If you wouldn't mind, though, could you elaborate on what you mean in your 2nd and 3rd points? I'm not sure I quite get what you're saying. Like when you say you can't tell who is who in pesterlogs, do you mean the colors blend together or like the characters speak too similarly?
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Post by eerr on May 15, 2016 6:58:24 GMT
2-->Actually I was having trouble focusing on the first sentence in each paragraph. I skipped them, read the rest of the paragraph, then reread the whole thing again.
"But you decide you will delay going down to get it right now and instead will humor us with your varied INTERESTS. "
"But you decide" "You will delay" "going to get it right now" "instead humor us" "with your varied INTERESTS."
You used five verbs, in a single sentence.
Try: 'Your INTERESTS call. You decide not to go down just yet.'
What this means: Make Shorter sentences Break multi-verb sentences into single verb sentences.
3-->I can see the colors in the pester log but I can't tell who is who without guesswork. They do sound similar but that is not the main problem. They don't say anything unique about their day. So I can't connect a face with an account.
Aka Babushka grabbed my ear but I still got the game. Sheep got out of line, but I still got the game.
Its better on a reread because I noticed the corresponding colors.
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Post by Neptz on May 15, 2016 7:10:15 GMT
Not sure which thread to post this in, but are multiple adventures okay if one is particularly dead or inactive? The one I have in mind isn't planned ahead at all, it's just a silly thing. It's about personified things, like infinity, literal earth, plants, vision itself, etc.
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Post by continuityofficer on May 15, 2016 9:39:30 GMT
Not sure which thread to post this in, but are multiple adventures okay if one is particularly dead or inactive? The one I have in mind isn't planned ahead at all, it's just a silly thing. It's about personified things, like infinity, literal earth, plants, vision itself, etc. (We used to have a general 'MSPA Adventures Disscussion Thread' and we should set one up again here, its fun to talk with the vague theme of being mspa style authors.) Also, yeah, that's fine. I did it back on MSPAForums.
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Post by Nero on May 15, 2016 11:48:36 GMT
Would anyone be interested in giving Creata a critique? I've been too nervous to ask what people think of it for the longest time ; o ; Is there anything I should improve on, and do you think it's missing anything? I'd like to know what the audience likes/wants, and what would make it more interesting! Thank you so much. Creata is probably the only decent troll-venture on-going right now. In fact it's caught my eye since day one. I'm going to read it right now and tell you what I think as a reader. I'll be writing a few bits and pieces as I go here and there. THE ART The art is just superb, it's good at what it is. You know how to make a scene that doesn't hurt the eyes. I know an artist who knows color theory when I see one. Martis' room looks good, I don't know why but it's just easy to look at. AQ's okay, but color wise Uraion's room is just ugly color-wise. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, as long as it adds the ADVENTURE AS A WHOLE. Martis' room is dank, I'm sure everyone would like to see more of that kind of art. THE WRITINGI didn't like CG and AG's first conversation from around page 40. It felt like "Hah, did you notice that EXPOSITION about other character???", it was overall just felt unnatural. Writing wise it's better to just focus on introducing the character itself instead of plot points like about the dersites and whatever because it just meshes into meaningless jargon that makes it hard to pay attention. Later on it became pretty clear that it was really TT's introduction, and you know what I thought? The rest of it is pretty good. TT's introduction is pretty fucking solid and SOLIDIIFIES her as a top-tier troll. I'm on page 44 now and the way plot point was introduced was spot-on. It made me interested in the story. But you lost me again at the dark aura. Kinda cheesy. But it's alright, it can be built upon. Okay I'm in page 84 and I like it when the story advances in a way that doesn't make you lose interest. Nuseia's introduction was pretty meh, page 79 felt tacked on. THE ADVENTURE AS A WHOLEIt's YOUR adventure! Your story! I can tell that you're already aiming to make it different from Hussie's work and the vast majority of trollventures, and I'd like to see it EVEN MORE different. Make it as different as possible! Anything to separate your story apart from the terrible majority of fan adventures will help you out GREATLY. ok i got bored and stopped reading at page 90 but here have this post
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toto
Bravesprout
Posts: 85
Pronouns: she/her/hers
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Post by toto on May 15, 2016 19:08:50 GMT
Creata is probably the only decent troll-venture on-going right now. In fact it's caught my eye since day one. I'm going to read it right now and tell you what I think as a reader. I'll be writing a few bits and pieces as I go here and there. THE ART The art is just superb, it's good at what it is. You know how to make a scene that doesn't hurt the eyes. I know an artist who knows color theory when I see one. Martis' room looks good, I don't know why but it's just easy to look at. AQ's okay, but color wise Uraion's room is just ugly color-wise. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, as long as it adds the ADVENTURE AS A WHOLE. Martis' room is dank, I'm sure everyone would like to see more of that kind of art. THE WRITINGI didn't like CG and AG's first conversation from around page 40. It felt like "Hah, did you notice that EXPOSITION about other character???", it was overall just felt unnatural. Writing wise it's better to just focus on introducing the character itself instead of plot points like about the dersites and whatever because it just meshes into meaningless jargon that makes it hard to pay attention. Later on it became pretty clear that it was really TT's introduction, and you know what I thought? The rest of it is pretty good. TT's introduction is pretty fucking solid and SOLIDIIFIES her as a top-tier troll. I'm on page 44 now and the way plot point was introduced was spot-on. It made me interested in the story. But you lost me again at the dark aura. Kinda cheesy. But it's alright, it can be built upon. Okay I'm in page 84 and I like it when the story advances in a way that doesn't make you lose interest. Nuseia's introduction was pretty meh, page 79 felt tacked on. THE ADVENTURE AS A WHOLEIt's YOUR adventure! Your story! I can tell that you're already aiming to make it different from Hussie's work and the vast majority of trollventures, and I'd like to see it EVEN MORE different. Make it as different as possible! Anything to separate your story apart from the terrible majority of fan adventures will help you out GREATLY. ok i got bored and stopped reading at page 90 but here have this post First of all, hOLY SHIT THANK YOU SO MUCH. I hope you enjoyed reading it! As for the pesterlogs, I definitely agree that I need to improve on them! I'm slowly learning as I write more, and characterization through dialog is something I really need to get a good grasp on. I think the latest pesterlogs are much better than my first attempts, maybe a little? Thanks again for all the advice! I will def take it all to heart and follow it. Excellent adventure, I wouldn't change anything. But since you asked, I would say either jokes or plot secrets could give something for people to discuss. Also I have a personal stake in ANNOIQUEEN ending up dead, because I know this girl. What a dick. You've managed the imperceptible author effect so very well. Girls beating up people while in prospit jammies will surely make you popular. Also I think I missed the masked troll heroes on my first read-through. I'm not entirely sure but I think many people get someone else to do the mirroring for them. But those workers are probably busy trying to dig up the old forum archives. Ooh I just noticed something. None of the pester logs are that memorable. And they don't seem to have an easy to grasp order in time. Aka punch time in the snout to establish chronology. OK SO I admit you made me a lil' curious on what you said about AA Well, don't they always say "write who you know"? Let me tell you, that is quite the sound advice. *wonkWONK*Fanventures need more badass girls doing some serious HEROIC shit. it's always great to see a badass female character to be honest. I do the mirroring myself, I first get the format right on the mirror before putting the update on the thread! It helps me organize things. I'm not sure why you missed them, though? sometimes the mirror messes up the links to the next pages so that's probably what it is. Also, wow I haven't noticed how confusing the pesterlogs' timing is! It made sense in my head for some reason. I gotta clear that up with the recent updates now :U Thank you for this kind critique! I will take all this advice to heart, and also I hope you enjoyed reading my shitty fanvench. why is my reply so long SOBS ENDLESSLY
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Post by redditstuckteam on May 15, 2016 19:19:54 GMT
I was unaware that such a thread as this exists, and would love to see what people who specialize in analyzing adventures thinks of our year-running MSPFA, Redditstuck. If you want to see it from the beginning, you can read it here. It features multiple flashes, involves members of the /r/homestuck community, and has a very talented team of artists / writers trying their best behind the curtain to being the best quality possible to our readers. Now I'm aware that the start might be a tad slow since we were really getting into the swing of writing these things, but trust me when I say it's worth following through. Now then, I would very much enjoy seeing what you guys think we should improve on, and if you think it's missing any certain spices. Many thanks.
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Post by eerr on May 15, 2016 22:15:00 GMT
Not sure which thread to post this in, but are multiple adventures okay if one is particularly dead or inactive? The one I have in mind isn't planned ahead at all, it's just a silly thing. It's about personified things, like infinity, literal earth, plants, vision itself, etc. Yea Its fine! The main purpose of a the cradle is to absorb the glut of adventure starts. If you feel you won't get anywhere with an adventure or don't like leaving the record behind, contact a mod. If you really feel that way, they can excise the tumor. But really you aren't doing anybody a favor by not creating an adventure. Silly adventures that mock art but aren't too meta, do well.
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Post by Neptz on May 15, 2016 22:27:32 GMT
It doesn't mock anything. Just a quick idea I thought up that might be kind of interesting. Personified/anthro concepts in media tend to be emotions; this has literally everything I can reasonably think of.
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Post by continuityofficer on May 16, 2016 7:23:38 GMT
It doesn't mock anything. Just a quick idea I thought up that might be kind of interesting. Personified/anthro concepts in media tend to be emotions; this has literally everything I can reasonably think of. And thats what the Cradle's for I guess. Trying it out and seeing if it works before moving forward and dedicating. It's a fun idea, and especially if you can be really creative on your design and effects of the characters representations, it could be really fun. (For example, it would be awesome if Infinity is kind of like a void space of a person. like, things that touch the character disappear inside of it, into an infinate space, which could lead to lots of fun shinanigans)
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Post by Neptz on May 16, 2016 22:30:48 GMT
My idea was for each one to influence their surroundings a bit, with the main antagonist having this thing be out of control. I wasn't sure what to do for Infinity, which is the main protagonist, so thanks for the idea.
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Post by eerr on May 17, 2016 5:36:47 GMT
Oh I'm not an expert on critiquing forum adventures. I'm just one of the few people with large amounts of time on their hands and the inclination to reread medium length adventures. Also people keep building their art into the plot. It's perturbing for me to critique that as a non-artist, since art quality never seems to matter. What I can do is help with these summaries, monologues, and pesterlogs. The reader has this thing called eyeballs that focus on reading. The brain then interprets the English as symbols that make words. What you want to do, what you NEED to do is control that focus. Each new line should hook the reader or elaborate on that hook or build up into something that matters. ==>It's time to grind like none other. Oh shit. Hoppin atop the rail shoots sparks off but the feeling of raw power fills you with joy and tense adrenaline. Pay attention to pacing and repetition. But really all you have to do is read your text in a funny voice. If you can find a voice where your words sound good, then they are good! That includes speaking in a foreign accent. The secret is that people read your words based on what they sound like, and some vowel sounds are better than others. I honestly forget the details, but you can figure it out for yourself. By speaking. Most of the other stuff I mentioned doesn't matter. It's all information and information is just not that compelling. Hello, people. Could anyone try and give a critique of Zodiacstuck? It doesn't get much commands and I feel like the whole thing is either too unoriginal or confusing. I'd really need some guidance about how to keep an audience interested in the story. Thank you much. Alright so more on Zodiacstuck: I hadn't read the whole adventure and I just realized how much I missed. Archivally reading this is a huge chore. You never learned to pace yourself! When viewing art, many people stop breathing to focus. I have to do that for like every panel because it's all unique art. Heir of Breath! Holy shit. Your adventure is Oh god I can't read it all tier. You are basically knocking them dead. This fact can not be defeated by increasing the quality of your art! Nor can it be done by changing artstyles frequently. Nor will a huge number of acquired bases change it. mspfanventures.com/?s=2707&p=55 I can't keep track of who is who on this page. Also I'm a bit tired of reading the fifth story in a row about people getting and playing a game, so I wish this pesterlog was otherwise more interesting. I mean marginally interesting. The connections are theoretically meaningful but to me it's a garbled mess. I am heavily criticizing text, because if people don't read that then they don't understand anything. Have you considered making a section or separate forum adventure for light reading? That could really draw people in. Like right now just make something a bit more dry. It's rather unfortunate that I can't see the old thread. I find reading suggestions incredibly entertaining and enlightening. Your previous readers might know what to fix. I don't think you understand. Your art isn't crappy, your art is top-tier. People are eating prospector's colon. Too much to dig through, already got rich. But if you really had the rather insane idea of winning off art style, If you can make each page portfolio-tier like that hand-drawn hero mode Minecraft page, You could probably get people to post without reading your adventure in full. Would that satisfy you? Because at this point your adventure and artistic habits are set in stone. Your adventure is so long I personally have to keep watching videos and animations just to put out this multi-day review. *You are too much. *You could probably cheat and just draw Nibber for the rest of the adventure.
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Post by redditstuckteam on May 17, 2016 10:10:09 GMT
Sorry to consistently post a request on this thread, but is there a specific lineup of adventures requesting to be reviewed, and if so, how do I find it? It would be great to have someone who's used to reading many fanventures analyse what we've done so far.
Thanks.
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Post by Arashi500 on May 17, 2016 11:54:37 GMT
Sorry to consistently post a request on this thread, but is there a specific lineup of adventures requesting to be reviewed, and if so, how do I find it? It would be great to have someone who's used to reading many fanventures analyse what we've done so far. Thanks. Hmmm, there's no such list as far as I'm aware. But maybe it would be a good idea. I've added a list of adventures looking for critiques to the OP.
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Post by eerr on May 18, 2016 0:06:47 GMT
I remember back in the day, the first few pesterlogs of Homestuck were blatantly retconned. Hell even if you look at- Pffft "Connoisseur of Fine Arts" eh. I am horse now? I was unaware that such a thread as this exists, and would love to see what people who specialize in analyzing adventures thinks of our year-running MSPFA, Redditstuck. If you want to see it from the beginning, you can read it here. It features multiple flashes, involves members of the /r/homestuck community, and has a very talented team of artists / writers trying their best behind the curtain to being the best quality possible to our readers. Now I'm aware that the start might be a tad slow since we were really getting into the swing of writing these things, but trust me when I say it's worth following through. Now then, I would very much enjoy seeing what you guys think we should improve on, and if you think it's missing any certain spices. Many thanks. Anyway, this pesterlog feels kind of long. Moreso on the 3rd? reread. Grind scor: 1347 So Chelsea's room is an excellent diversion! But since I'm rereading this I can't be bothered to be super thorough. Such is the fate of many decent flashes, just like John's exploration of the medium. You'd think I'd remember some of what was said, but not really. I reached for the pile of three books. Sevirken Evans: Is there going to be some dramatic tension where he learns to crack a good joke? It feels like SOMEONE is trying TOO HARD. Aka the author. Who has this mysterious boner? Will he ever resolve his cock problems? Okay so I'm caught all the way up to page 140. I feel: Unsatisfied. Like it was good for a read but now needs to be discarded like a used towel. This stuff about Problem Sleuth feels largely nonsensical, and I was there man. I was there in the trenches man. It wasn't just nonsense, it was Ace Dick! So at best it's what, foreshadowing? A joke among authors? At worst it's a bore where nothing actually happens. I guess you are just working with really dry material. Did you fill your sylladex with useless glass shards? Are you secretly roleplaying Problem Sleuth 2 in the furthest ring? Is Redditstuck more fun to make than it is to read? Are you ever gonna make call backs to popular fiction that are: GASP interesting? Why are you taking (more than) a hundred and forty pages to make shit up? I would like you to answer these questions in-comic.
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Post by Nero on May 18, 2016 4:11:49 GMT
sup, i'm going to be continuing my adventure, FLUID REALISM again soon and i'd love for it to be reviewed, it's a short 120 pages with good pacing. read into it like you're expecting fine literature. go as hard on it as you'd like.
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Post by levenfish on May 18, 2016 4:50:00 GMT
I'd be curious to know what people's thoughts are on my adventure Globestuck. I've been working somewhat sporadically on it for quite a while and haven't ever received any concrete feedback on it aside from random suggestions and favorites on the mirror site, so I'd like to know what people think! Also, it's been mentioned before and I'm aware of the artistic issues surrounding every instance of the Dernov home's stairs. In the living room I wasn't really sure how to fix it without moving/redoing the entire wall so I just didn't bother, and as for when Anya is in the upstairs hall, well...I'll just do my best to draw it better in the future should characters be standing there again lol. It captures the feel of the first few acts of HS very well (the introductions, the silly distractions, the interactions with objects in their room), and I'd like to see more. Going purely by what I saw and read, I don't think I have a good handle on the characters yet. I know details about each character shown that differentiates them, but I don't know much more. Again, I'd like to see more. Since it cleaves to HS closely, it shares its same weakness in that characters aren't explored very deeply so far, and the same simultaneous strength/weakness that the plot so far is (humorous) shenanigans. I'd still read more, though. The art is pleasant to look at, and it makes me want to reread HS again. Would anyone be interested in giving Creata a critique? I've been too nervous to ask what people think of it for the longest time ; o ; Is there anything I should improve on, and do you think it's missing anything? I'd like to know what the audience likes/wants, and what would make it more interesting! Thank you so much. Same as the other dude, the art is spot-on. Now, some specific thoughts: Merric nerding out over the masks (aka ancestors of AA and two others who I can't remember) feels a bit... I don't know. Cheesy isn't the right word, something more subtle. But then I realized since he's enamored by it, it makes perfect sense for the wording to be a bit flowery then. Speaking of AA, I'm getting Vriska vibes from her, with all the good and ill that entails. And if she's how others describe her, I'm curious as to what her social circle looks like. It's hard to keep track of everyone, but that might be me just being bad with remembering characters. We had like, what, at least a thousand pages to learn each troll in HS? Sorta worried. You're setting yourself a high bar to reach with all the foreshadowing. Make sure you can tie up everything that's brought up at some point in the future, because while death of the author is valid, the reaction to Act 7 shows DOTA isn't always the best choice. That snap though. Shenanigans are gonna go down. You're hitting every mark from canon like Doc Scratch and Spades Slick, I'm gonna enjoy seeing your takes on them (I liked the spear and I don't know why, I just do)
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quixoticTokki
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baby gangsta
Posts: 702
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Post by quixoticTokki on May 18, 2016 5:07:24 GMT
It captures the feel of the first few acts of HS very well (the introductions, the silly distractions, the interactions with objects in their room), and I'd like to see more. Going purely by what I saw and read, I don't think I have a good handle on the characters yet. I know details about each character shown that differentiates them, but I don't know much more. Again, I'd like to see more. Since it cleaves to HS closely, it shares its same weakness in that characters aren't explored very deeply so far, and the same simultaneous strength/weakness that the plot so far is (humorous) shenanigans. I'd still read more, though. The art is pleasant to look at, and it makes me want to reread HS again. Thanks for the review! Yeah the story is still in the very beginning stage, so I haven't been able to get to any plot or plot-relevant stuff yet. I'm just barely half-way through the first act where it is now, so I hope to be able to keep going with it so I can get to the good stuff/explore characters better!
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Post by eerr on May 18, 2016 7:12:06 GMT
sup, i'm going to be continuing my adventure, FLUID REALISM again soon and i'd love for it to be reviewed, it's a short 120 pages with good pacing. read into it like you're expecting fine literature. go as hard on it as you'd like. My Brother has a kid allergic to milk. I feel like you've written some sort of nightmare scenario. It's not silly and that's fine. I like the fact that you went back and 'reworked' some earlier panels. That's the sort of dedication that makes a mediocre adventure real. Just like Problem Sleuth. You really control what the reader is looking at! Alright so my chosen lens, my chosen 'view' of the world, Is to look at the world in two different ways. Sort of like a pessimist and and optimist combined. "Oh god he has allergies./He can just use an epi pen." And holy shit is your world dark with the view of a pessimist. It makes me uneasy. Your lines are nice and smooth I'm curious how you achieved that effect. My primary beef is that you update far too slowly. You've spent ages making a detailed plot but need to speed that up drastically somehow. Aka It's like making porn. Some sort of very disturbing porn. I'm not into schadenfreude.
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Post by redditstuckteam on May 18, 2016 10:33:30 GMT
I feel: Unsatisfied. Like it was good for a read but now needs to be discarded like a used towel. This stuff about Problem Sleuth feels largely nonsensical, and I was there man. I was there in the trenches man. It wasn't just nonsense, it was Ace Dick! So at best it's what, foreshadowing? A joke among authors? At worst it's a bore where nothing actually happens. I guess you are just working with really dry material. Did you fill your sylladex with useless glass shards? Are you secretly roleplaying Problem Sleuth 2 in the furthest ring? Is Redditstuck more fun to make than it is to read? Are you ever gonna make call backs to popular fiction that are: GASP interesting? Why are you taking (more than) a hundred and forty pages to make shit up? I would like you to answer these questions in-comic. Thanks for the review. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the flashes - we put a lot of effort into them. Honestly, it's great to have someone come out and clearly say that we should do better: Not just say that the art is good and to 'keep on doing what you're doing'. While the real meat of the adventure has yet to begin, I'm curious if you could expand upon about the annoyances you've experienced thus far. Do you think that the topic of Problem Sleuth in itself is a bland piece of fiction to play around with, or do you think we're not utilizing it to its full potential? Also, we do have a general plan of how this is going to go, so you'll be glad to hear we're not just making it all up as we go. It's a valid criticism, but we never planned to jump right into the plot. We tried to give each of the kid shown so far some kind of objective (Use computer, collect Doritos, contact mysterious man, escape room, deal with game), so it's not like things are happening for no reason. It's mainly attempts to develop upon characters. We just like to let the commands lead us astray here and there. At the end of the day, as long as you enjoyed reading it through then I'm glad. All we want to do is give a good read, a few laughs and an involving story. I can neither confirm of deny that we're roleplaying PS2 in the furthest ring.
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Post by eerr on May 18, 2016 18:39:52 GMT
Thanks for the review. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the flashes - we put a lot of effort into them. Honestly, it's great to have someone come out and clearly say that we should do better: Not just say that the art is good and to 'keep on doing what you're doing'. While the real meat of the adventure has yet to begin, I'm curious if you could expand upon about the annoyances you've experienced thus far. Do you think that the topic of Problem Sleuth in itself is a bland piece of fiction to play around with, or do you think we're not utilizing it to its full potential? Also, we do have a general plan of how this is going to go, so you'll be glad to hear we're not just making it all up as we go. It's a valid criticism, but we never planned to jump right into the plot. We tried to give each of the kid shown so far some kind of objective (Use computer, collect Doritos, contact mysterious man, escape room, deal with game), so it's not like things are happening for no reason. It's mainly attempts to develop upon characters. We just like to let the commands lead us astray here and there. At the end of the day, as long as you enjoyed reading it through then I'm glad. All we want to do is give a good read, a few laughs and an involving story. I can neither confirm of deny that we're roleplaying PS2 in the furthest ring.Yea the flashes are high quality, very interesting. Definitely the best part! I don't buy into nonsensical hype. I guess your audience is passersby, and your dedicated readers are obsessed with Reddit. So you are clearly serving your audience well. I am obsessed with MSPA/MSPAF. My favorite thing that you are missing: Clearly showing people's perspectives. Like I want to know what these guys really think (in general). I am looking for reasons to care about your characters. Vapid reactions to everyday life not withstanding. I guess I don't care about each overreaction in their everyday lives.
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Post by SpottedBlades on May 19, 2016 8:17:08 GMT
*You are too much. *You could probably cheat and just draw Nibber for the rest of the adventure. As much as I understand your main point ("talk less, say more"), I don't really know what you do mean by those points. Could you explain, please ?
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Post by eerr on May 19, 2016 21:42:17 GMT
*You are too much. *You could probably cheat and just draw Nibber for the rest of the adventure. As much as I understand your main point ("talk less, say more"), I don't really know what you do mean by those points. Could you explain, please ? The adventure is too much to dig through to figure out what to suggest. I remember doing it before... and I still can't remember the story after rereading the whole thing. Nibber's art looked really conducive to storytelling! Almost like someone was threatening to make a cohesive story. Also, the point I failed to say is that text should have something cohesive and memorable. In the attendance roll specificially: If each gimmick was the same, such as repeated letters it would be easy to read. But as it stands they are fantastically and wonderously different when read. So you actually need to find a different way to distinguish the characters . It might just be solved with some extra line spaces. Or perhaps giving some unique information about their day. But I just get confused trying to keep track of who is who in that connection rollcall. The rest of the text I just wish for more readability. For example I put a huge number of line spaces into my critique.
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Post by heartfulfocus on May 20, 2016 19:14:12 GMT
Heya! Trojansnared is only in it's early panels, but I am having trouble grabbing peoples attention. Would anyone mind critiquing it and helping me find how to improve? mspfanventures.com/?s=13739&id=1Thanks!
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quixoticTokki
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baby gangsta
Posts: 702
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Post by quixoticTokki on May 20, 2016 20:12:06 GMT
Heya! Trojansnared is only in it's early panels, but I am having trouble grabbing peoples attention. Would anyone mind critiquing it and helping me find how to improve? mspfanventures.com/?s=13739&id=1Thanks! Wow, that's quite an intimidating first page you have there! Four images for one page, and then a MASSIVE wall of text. When starting a new fanventure I want something that I can quickly jump into, but all that text looks like a chore to read so I normally wouldn't even continue with it. But, this is a review, so I will READ IT ALL! Okay, so still on the first page, I probably would have stopped at "You use a deeply flawed AssassinsModus, based undoubtedly on the Assassin’s Creed series and Pesterchum is your messenger of choice." and put the rest on the next page to break it up a little. Also, it's sort of a pet peeve of mine when people do the thing where they explain the human kids' "quirks" because human kids don't have quirks typically, so it seems like waste of time. But that may just be a personal thing. Also that text color is reaaallly light. I can read it, but just barely. The puzzle page seemed unnecessary to me. And the tutorial paragraph about it was very long and confusing. I got lost reading it and I still have no idea what you were trying to say other than explaining Mika's modus. It would have been better to just have her start looking for stuff and as she takes things explain the modus. Info dumps are never fun. Also there wasn't really a puzzle to solve anyway? Unless opening the door was the puzzle? I'm a little confused. Page 8 is very ominous. I'm intrigued. And Eagle Vision seems like an interesting feature, I can see it being a cool thing later on. Overall, there's not a lot to go on yet at 17 pages, so I have no idea where you're going with this. But that's fine, like I said it's only 17 pages long right now. So story-wise I can't say much. I like the art, it looks pretty good. I especially liked the first couple landscape drawings at the beginning. Really quality stuff. You have have some typos and grammatical errors, but I'm not going to get into that right now. I would just say to go back and read it out loud to help catch those errors. Or if English is not your first language, get a beta reader or someone to help you. So I can't say you've really drawn me into the story yet, but I think it has potential. Keep working at it and readers will increase over time!
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