cherrypetrichor
Juvesquirt
this website fills my body with cold water
Posts: 15
Pronouns: he/him/his
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Post by cherrypetrichor on Feb 15, 2019 0:50:51 GMT
>become god emperor
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Post by lalaland on Feb 22, 2019 23:24:53 GMT
maybe you should get some thing to cover your face. like a normal person.
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Post by tailortf on Sept 7, 2019 12:04:10 GMT
>Maybe you should get something to cover your face. Like a normal person.
Great idea, totally normal voice in your head! After all, you're so totally ordinary it might actually be scary to them.
Here, this piece of junk you're carrying around after having bonded to it will work perfectly fine. Just gotta cram it down and...there we go.
>Watch them some more.
Yes, ha ha! It may be good to examine them for a little while further. Juuuust until it stops being normal.
Hmm. Like most normal people at your age, your sense of smell has gotten pretty bad. Do you hear something burning?
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OH DEAR JIMINY YOU HAVE CAUGHT YOUR CLOTHINGS ON FIRE
THOSE WERE VERY EXPENSIVE PURCHASES FROM THE CLOTHINGS STORE
YOU HAVE TO SAVE THEM AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE
>Run out and scream in normal agonising pain.
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HELLO FELLOW NORMAL PEOPLE PLEASE HELP
THIS FIRE IS CHASING YOU AND WILL SOON RUIN ALL YOUR CLOTHINGS
AND KILL YOU
THAT IS ALSO POSSIBLE
HA HA YES
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WHY ARE YOU NOT BEING ASSISTED
YOU ARE IN URGENT NEED OF MEDIC-AL AID
HOW MANY HOMES DO YOU HAVE TO BARGE INTO TO GET SOME RECOGNITION AROUND HERE
>Greet the townsfolk.
Alright, alright, maybe you got off on the wrong appendage. Like most normal people, it's probably best to approach these fellow normies and talk it out, starting with the most basic of conversation. Surely, as normal individuals, they will understand you fully and let go of the whole "setting them on fire" thing.
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...right?
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Oh, well this is just great. So much for honor amongst normals.
How are you going to feed yourself? With this thing attached to your hands, you could very possibly die of starvation, which is a real issue affecting you for real.
...and also you're in jail for arson for an indeterminate amount of time in a culture you know nothing about. Just normal people concerns, you know.
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And if that big ol' statue is meant to be who you think it is, you've been adopted by them as some kind of warrior god or legend based off what you did for them all those centuries ago. With this kind of knowledge, you could exploit it and rule them with an iron fist!
If you weren't stuck in jail, of course.
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...yeah. Just...just normal people concerns. You know.
Ha ha.
Yes.
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Post by spinydoughnut33 on Sept 7, 2019 15:22:51 GMT
> Suppress your Terry urges.
> Take your mask off. It’d be hilarious to see their reaction to having put their god in jail.
Or, alternatively:
> Just wait through the sentence. It can’t be that long, right?
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Post by tailortf on Sept 30, 2019 12:07:15 GMT
>Fuck this.
...yeah, okay, you'll stop. The problem with the whole "optimism" thing is things are NEVER good. Just varying shades of crap.
Like hell are you giving THIS guy any of your time, though. You've literally got an endless supply but you still don't want to expend any on HIM, that should say it all.
>Take your mask off.
You'd love to (it's starting to get pretty clammy), but it's on there pretty good. You could MAYBE break it open, but that'd mean losing Skullsburry, so, y'know, no go on that.
See, this is what happens when you play around. You end up with your devoted followers not even being able to recognise you. Why'd you ever try to pretend like this was normal again?
>Break out and kick some slimy ass.
You know what? Yeah! You've broken out of tougher cells than this. Probably.
Let's see here, how does this go? You are the IMMORTAL MAN. Exits are NORTH, SOUTH, and...
Wait, WHAT exits? There's nothing in here, what the hell?! You can't improvise a wacky jailbreak adventure with this!
>Just wait out the sentence. It can't be that long, right?
Yeah, okay, you're overthinking this. Whatever you were charged with, you can't be in here for THAT long, couple years tops.
This cell doesn't even have a toilet or windows. Clearly this is just some kind of short-term holding. Nap time!
Yep, just gonna slink off to dreamland and make the bad thoughts go aw-
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-ahh!
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Well that's just great. What kind of cell is this, throwing you around?! And why is it suddenly so crowded?!
You are SO filing a complaint with the manager of this prison when you find him.
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...Ah. Apparently that WAS just a temporary prison back there. Great.
Boy, this society sure is tough on crime. You don't really recall ever encountering any volcano-based justice systems before.
This might seem like kind of overkill if it wasn't, y'know, you.
You...still should find a way out of this, though. You're not sure your slick new jacket would survive a lava bath, but why even bother checking?
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Post by connorkelly on Oct 2, 2019 23:03:51 GMT
>Try talking to one of the other prisoners
(Hey you, you're finally awake.)
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Post by tailortf on Oct 18, 2019 3:56:21 GMT
>Try talking to the other prisoners.
Well, ignoring the fact that you don't speak their language, these guys are kinda lame.
All they do is sit there on the floor moaning. Their ancestors were much cooler, they could be riled up to become an angry mob in no time.
That's okay, though. You can improvise. You're great at it!
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IMPROVISE THIS, SUCKER
CAN'T CATCH WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE
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Man, running away from your problems is great! It's like you just leave them all behind and start over fresh with no consequences!
Why don't you do this more often? It works SO WELL!
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OH GOD THE CONSEQUENCES
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?! THE PLAN WAS PERFECT!
>Let them find out you're immortal.
YES! BRILLIANT! LATER, NERDHEIMER!
THEY CAN'T FIRE YOU, YOU DON'T WORK IN THIS VOLCANO!
YOU'RE GONNA GET WRITTEN UP FOR THIS YOU KNOW
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You are so goddamned smart. Sometimes you wonder why you bother with other people at all when you alone contain enough genius for the entire planet.
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Actually, hold on, hmm. You may not have thought this next part of the plan COMPLETELY through.
You wanted to stay AWAY from the volcano, right? Hmm.
Ah, screw it. Not like anything can hurt you anyway. What's the harm in a little dip?
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You're going to kill them all. Every single freak. Doesn't matter how many there are, they can be the dominant species on the planet for all you care.
You've got nothing but time. You can be a one-man extinction event if you really want to, and god damn it do you want to.
They're all going to pay.
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...after you get out of this caldera, at least. Right now the only place to vent your rage is these sulphur, uh, vents. That would just be counterproductive.
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Post by spinydoughnut33 on Oct 18, 2019 4:28:54 GMT
>Rise out of the lava like the terminator.
>How hard could swimming in lava be? It's just like, rock liquid.
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Post by What? on Oct 19, 2019 0:35:57 GMT
How are the shirt and pants surviving?
Maybe just walk out. Swimming will just get up to the surface of the lake, but right in the middle.
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Post by tailortf on Nov 3, 2019 8:47:19 GMT
>Drink some of that lava juice.
Absolutely. Why wouldn't you? You're nothing if not a consummate showman for your audience of intrusive thoughts.
Hmm. This tastes better than the radioactive waste, but worse than that goop they had you in when you were in the pod. Go figure. Surprisingly, not as spicy as you might think, just hot.
...okay, enough screwing around. Time to get out of here and enact your revenge.
>Use your shirt as a parachute and catch the vent's updraft.
IT'S WORKING! IT'S WORKING! IN OPEN DEFIANCE OF PHYSICS IT IS WORKING!
Alright, well, with a speed like this, Immortal Air's inaugural flight should get to the surface in about...5 hours or so. Better sit back, relax, and-
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-ahh dammit. Stupid diffusion. Go back to making liquids mix, jackass!
Okay, NOW no more stupid ideas. Time to actually come up with a plan.
>Stick thumbs in vents.
...fine, one more thing. But this is it.
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Ow. Yeah, that probably WOULD build up some pressure, huh.
Actually, this DOES give you kind of an idea.
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There we go. A stupid long amount of time later, you've successfully plugged every vent in this crater, which at least makes you feel better.
Plus, now all that pressure is underground like it belongs. Building up nice and slow like a pressure cooker. Actually, you're not even sure this will work, and if it does, the process would take-
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Oh, no, here comes SOMETHING at least. Hopefully this isn't just a naturally occurring random earthquake or you'll feel kinda dumb.
Hey, what's with that incredible rush of explosive power coming from underneath you suddenly?
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IT WORKED! YOU'RE A GENIUS!
Okay, this is a good start to your "kill everyone" plan. The volcano is probably going to blot out the sun with ash, which, depending on how strong the eruption was, could cause agriculture to dwindle and society to collapse.
Hmm, that'll take a while, though, you're mad now. You should try and come up with a plan to do some more immediate damage before you land.
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Post by spinydoughnut33 on Nov 10, 2019 6:24:15 GMT
> First of all, stick the landing.
> Scoop up some lava and throw it in peoples' faces.
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Post by tailortf on Nov 10, 2019 12:02:14 GMT
>Dive bomb at the most important looking mutant.
Hell yeah, that'd show 'em. Mutant President thinks he's so big and bad, let's see how he feels when he gets a faceful of YOU!
...hm. Not many people around, though. It turns out that scorched out badlands full of lava aren't really a popular location for palaces or government facilities.
You ARE getting some really good air, though. It'd be a shame to waste all this momentum. Maybe you could-
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OW.
...is what you would say if you could feel anything. As it is, you're just annoyed at this handsome man for suddenly getting in your way.
>Stick the landing.
Not a problem-
Here you go-
Totally gonna-
Okay, come on now-
Alright, screw this, you'll just go limp until you stop. How many stairs could there possibly be?
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5,623 stairs. That's how many.
Well, at least there was nobody around to watch you humiliate yourself in the middle of this desert.
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Ahh crap. You're not sure if you have really bad luck or if your life is just constantly trying to mix things up.
Either way, this sucks.
>They should recognise you as the messiah now, right? You're in your base form.
Hmm, actually, yeah, that's an angle you haven't considered. They ARE being awfully quiet. Based off your previous cultist experience, they tend to be a lot louder.
You're not sure if this is "God is here everyone be nice" silence or "look at this goddamn infidel idiot" silence, though.
>Have your revenge.
Yeah, that part of the plan hasn't changed, but damn, that's a lot of freaks. You're gonna work up a real sweat hunting all of them down individually, even if we're only talking about this courtyard.
Maybe you should take advantage of your messianic status, if only for a few years. Might make the revenge all the sweeter later on.
You never thought you'd be an advocate for patience, but you're in mutant land now. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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Post by Husad. on Nov 13, 2019 18:17:00 GMT
>Say hi, be respectful and maybe then they'll make you their leader and you could start a nuclear war to wipe them out!
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Post by tailortf on Dec 22, 2019 5:39:03 GMT
>Take credit for the eruption (since, well, you DID do that).
Yeah, alright. Time to get started establishing your authority.
...though it might be kinda hard if you can't even speak to them. Your dance moves are good, but they're not THAT good.
>Learn a language for once.
Alright, FINE. You put away your adventure hat for a while and spend some time living a shit-ass life with these shit-ass people.
Just be cool, IM. Don't let them know how you feel. They'll all be dead soon enough.
Now then, let's take this from the top.
>Check your Chronostatus.
You are the IMMORTAL MAN. It is currently the year TWO DOTS LINE SQUIGGLE TWO DOTS LINE.
...you're still not sure what exactly these guys base their date measurements on, but that's what you've been told.
Over the past few years, you have been living with these humble mountain hermits, learning their ways and appreciating their connection with nature.
You are SO GODDAMN BORED. Any second now you're in danger of letting your mind wander and skipping past this whole thing. Unacceptable.
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Well, at least you have something good planned for today. You've sat on your hands long enough. It's time to go have some fun.
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You really hate this podium. What you want is a giant golden throne with slaves chained to it, but everyone keeps telling you they can't afford it. Buncha buzzkills around here. Who'da thought monks would be so devoted to living a pleasure-free lifestyle?
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Yes, yes, yes! They're actually doing it! When you thought this up last night you REALLY thought they wouldn't fall for it, but they did!
If there's one thing you can say for humans, it's that you're a lot more devious than these guys. Evolution is not a linear improvement.
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Like shooting fish in a barrel. You love it. That'll show this stupid species. They try to throw YOU into a volcano?! THAT'S WHAT THEY GET.
Let this be a lesson to those guys: never trust religion. Not even when the literal god of said religion is telling you to.
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Alright, that was enough to tide over your omnicidal urges for a while. Time for some REAL fun.
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You know, today might be the first good day you've had in a while.
K'schul brings up a good point, though. What ARE your orders? You feel kinda silly - all this time you've been training an army of holy zealots without ever thinking of what you're going to DO with them. #relatable, are you right? You're right. God's ALWAYS right.
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Post by Change of Scenery on Dec 22, 2019 7:14:37 GMT
Find some nearby land that isn't mountains and conquer it in your holy name!
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Post by tailortf on Jan 10, 2020 11:05:08 GMT
>Start a space program. The sun exploding is eventually gonna be a problem.
Yeah, that might be a good option. Though you ARE a little mad you're putting off the murder of all these assholes for a little while longer, SOME future considerations might be smart.
Hmm. Maybe you won't have to? There IS a certain charm to the concept of watching everyone on the planet die from your comfy space home.
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The construction of the Great Sky Machine takes months, if not years. Most of the abbey's resources are depleted in the process. Hundreds are killed in industrial accidents because they refuse to take off their stupid robes.
All in all, it's a pretty good time. Being surrounded by loyal followers always is. Nobody ever bothers asking questions like "how are we all gonna fit in there?" or "do we REALLY need this, though?".
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...hm.
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Yeah, maybe constructing this thing entirely out of wood and with no means of propulsion wasn't the best idea. You don't care about life support, naturally, but you DO care about getting more than a few feet off the ground. Time to strategize.
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>Find some nearby land that isn't mountains.
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Heh. It's just too easy. They love you! They'd do anything for you!
Maybe you should just forget this whole "kill everyone" thing. Start a proper nation, do some real research and be a space-faring race. Sure, you don't know jack about any of that, but you've got more life experience than all these guys combined, you could probably figure it out given enough time.
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Ah.
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Nope, nevermind, omnicidal urges returning.
Of all things that could possibly lead to violence in this world, you never thought religion would be one of them. What a sad reality we live in.
You may need to change approaches here. Again.
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Post by Drool on Jan 13, 2020 3:57:53 GMT
> Go to the Eternal Capitol and demand that they send their best fighter out to duel with you as a matter of honour.
Oh wait, you don't really know how to fight, so that will just get a bit boring as they fail to kill you for a bit. Sounds dull.
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Post by tailortf on Jan 28, 2020 1:33:24 GMT
>Personally demonstrate your immortality and god-like charm to the nonbelievers.
Yeah, you guess showing up with a big army at the door and going "give us all your stuff" IS a bit of a cliche.
You've had some time to think while your followers got the boulder off you. About things like peace treaties, and negotiations, and compromises.
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...on the other hand, they hit you with a giant rock and messed up your cool hat. That is obviously unforgivable.
Thus, you also had time to think about medieval siege weapons and projectile trajectories. And the inherent construction possibilities of nearby forestry.
Compromise is for boring people anyway.
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Is this a good idea, actually? Not that you're gonna get hurt or anything, obviously, you're just not sure if this is the most effective-
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-WHOOP nevermind! K'schul was apparently raring to go down there. You can't blame him. It's like that old idiom - when you have a trebuchet, everything looks like a potential target for destruction.
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Here we go! You're in your natural element now - hurtling through the air at high velocity.
It's kinda weird how often that happens to you, really. You wonder if normal people have to put up with any of this. In their normal, non-freak lives.
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NOPE NEVERMIND GO AWAY BAD THOUGHTS
Pfft. "Normal". Please, who needs to be normal anyway? All you need to do is keep your eye on the prize.
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HELLO
I HAVE COME TO NEGOTIATE THE RELEASE OF ALL YOUR BLOOD FROM YOUR BODY
LET'S BEGIN THE DIPLOMATIC PROCESS
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OKAY GOOD, I LIKE THIS OFFER
SEE?! WE'RE STARTING A DIALOGUE!
THIS IS HOW DIPLOMACY IS DONE
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Phew. You haven't gotten that heated in a little while.
...you may have some anger issues. Not that they're unjustified, mind you.
You know all these stupid mutants have is water? You haven't had a soda in millennia.
Anyway, enough tangents. It's time for work.
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As you sit on your newly-erected throne with your hat restored to its' proper glory, you realise how stupid you were in the past.
So much time spent hating "the man". Turns out, as soon as you BECOME "the man", your perspective on authority changes quite a lot! Someone NEEDS to be in charge to protect all these idiots from killing each other before YOU kill them all. It's so obvious.
...uh, what were you doing again? You've kinda lost your train of thought. As god-king, you usually have people who think for you.
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Post by So forgetful on Jan 28, 2020 2:53:32 GMT
You were trying get access to some metal so that you could get soda reinvented.
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slate
Juvesquirt
Posts: 16
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Post by slate on Jan 28, 2020 4:53:47 GMT
If you're ever gonna get off this dirtball, you'll have to somehow advance these blobs' civilization to at least ~1970s level. Whether you'll command your holy army through the stars or just leave them all to die from there is up to you.
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Post by tailortf on Feb 2, 2020 11:32:40 GMT
>You're supposed to be accelerating technological progress so you can escape the Earth, remember?
Oh, right. Yeah, you better get to business. The Sun ain't gettin' any younger.
...then again, K'schul is right. If you don't know what you have in your wallet, how can you expect to make proper use of the available resources?
One peek.
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The treasury of the Eternal Capital is pretty vast - you've never seen quite so many shiny things with your face on them. Since a lot of the gold humans used to have just kinda sat around in vaults, it was probably pretty easy to collect it all up and turn it into hotness, which explains the golden coins that would otherwise be incredibly wasteful. Hmm. You feel accomplished having taken this tour.
>If you're ever gonna get off this dirtball, you'll have to somehow advance these blobs' civilization.
Right, right, right. You're still on that. See, K'schul sent somebody, it's all good.
In the meantime, you might as well check out these "beauties". Could be good for a laugh.
One tendril.
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Well, the beauties turned out to be more blob things, just with less clothes on and squirmier. Surprise, surprise.
Apparently this is attractive in this society? You don't really know. Even with humans, this kind of thing always just made you feel weird and gross. Bunch of meat sacks rubbing up against each other.
This bath is pretty nice, though. Apparently this is one of the only heated bathhouses in the world (yeah, that's how bad things have gotten). Ahh, luxury.
>You were trying to get access to some metal.
Oh, god, that's right. You kinda got caught up in the moment there for a second, phew.
Okay, it's time to get back to work (for real this time).
...though this national holiday K'schul mentions *does* sound pretty interesting. Maybe you should examine the local culture a bit. After you kill everyone, you'll probably burn all their written records as well, so it's important to remember these things. For future generations.
One round of bloodsports.
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A genuine surprise - it turns out the bloodsports are actually great! If there's one thing that having a society of various flavors of blob thing is good for, it's for some good brawls. Nothing quite like seeing someone squished out of their armor by a giant 12-foot-tall nightmare to entertain the idle mind.
Speaking of armor, weren't you supposed to be doing something related to that? Something about metal, or...hm.
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You are beginning to sense a trend here. Something is happening.
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slate
Juvesquirt
Posts: 16
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Post by slate on Feb 2, 2020 16:20:24 GMT
You're probably never going to have an entire race of beings devoted to you again -- Perhaps letting them all die would be counter-productive.
Oh, also, is that red tree guy still around somewhere?
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Post by Figurehead on Feb 10, 2020 21:56:04 GMT
It looks like K'Schul is trying to stop you from getting anything done.
If you aren't running this empire than who is?
Throw K'Schul into the arena and go find out.
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Post by tailortf on Apr 24, 2020 11:49:22 GMT
>Slowly begin to realise you saw civilisations rise and fall, that some of your only friends are dead, that you are most likely the last of your kind, and that you are trying the ditch the only people who ever cared about you.
You know, right?! Isn't it great?! You've seen a lot of apocalyptic events in your life, but you never thought you'd be the *cause* of one. Being a grim reaper, people running in fear of you, having a sick throne of skulls to sit on...now *that* is the dream. These dicks are totally gonna pay for, uh...what is it that they did again? Broke your...friend? Killed your...skull? Man, that was a while ago. They all gotta die, though, that part is for sure.
>You're probably never going to have an entire race of beings devoted to you again - perhaps letting them all die *would* be counter-productive.
Then again...killing everyone (or making sure they're all dead) *is* kind of a lot of work. And you're kinda getting sick of wandering around post-apocalyptic deserts. You could probably use your sick past-future-science knowledge to teach these guys all kinds of stuff! You could advance their society by thousands of years in just a few decades, get yourself declared President of Earth or whatever, and then...retire? Write your memoirs? Pizza break? Either way, that sounds a lot better than sitting in some cave on a shitty skull throne with little to no lumbar support. You're a creature of comfort.
>Ask K'Schul what the hell he thinks he's doing.
Alright, it's decided, you're gonna stick around and try to make this dump into something. First off, you should probably set up some better infrastructure, agriculture, a constitution...just throw in whatever you've got left over in your head from civics classes in high school.
Oh yeah, first, though, you should deal with whatever *this* is.
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Ahhh crap. Crap crap crap. How is it that even when you're trying to be nice, you screw yourself over?!
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Okay, okay, this is still salvageable. Just gotta do the standard politician thing - deflect, deny, shift the blame. People might grumble, but who's gonna remember your genocidal urges when they all have running water and electricity!? Nobody, that's who. This is just a little bump, you can still-
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OH SHIT
SO THIS IS HOW IT ENDS
WHY MUST THE GREAT ALWAYS DIE (POSSIBLY) YOUNG
ALL YOU WANTED TO DO WAS KILL EVERYONE
WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD THE UNIVERSE HAVE FOR DOING THIS TO YOU
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...oh, right. You...may have bought into your own drama for a second there. Whoops.
Okay, this isn't a problem. All you gotta do is find an opening and push through the crowd to some guards. *They* know who's in charge and you're...probably paying them well. Right? They know whose side to be on in an attempted coup.
...actually, technically you're not the one doing the accounting. But they know that you're the boss and-
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Ahh crap.
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Not bad as far as memorable last words go. Hopefully they'll remember to write it down or something.
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Well, great. All that hard work you put in getting these guys somewhere and your reward? Getting stuffed down like a TV dinner.
It just goes to show, being nice simply does not work. Someone will *always* want to take you down because you're more successful and popular. Friggin' K'schul. Well, at least this smells better than the other times you've been in this kind of situation. Maybe you're used to it by now since you've been spending so much time around these guys.
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slate
Juvesquirt
Posts: 16
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Post by slate on Apr 24, 2020 12:55:20 GMT
Make sure your hat is safe from the stomach acid, as you use the sword behind you to cut yourself out.
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